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Dealing with waiting - Carers UK Forum

Dealing with waiting

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I started to post yesterday and it was so long winded so going to try again.

You haven't heard from me for a while as I got locked out of my account.

My mother passed away on the 12th of September. At home as she requested it was peaceful , I was there.

So in brief how did we get from the Drs saying everything was okay to now? Firstly this is personal experience and not meant to be GP bashing. Their intervention would not have changed her dying but would have given me and her the support and reassurance we both required. So from April when she was seen by a home visit till her collapse in Aug she was not seen by a Dr despite numerous requests and in the end me begging. In August I found her collapsed and non responsive. After a hospital stay of just over two weeks she was released to a home ward ( who were great) with a duel prognosis. She rallied for five days and then got a UTI and passed away 10 days having been discharged from hospital despite nurses requests she was not seen by a GP from her practice. She was seen by a 111 Dr two days prior to her passing. As said it was her request to die at home. She was still on a dual prognosis and not receiving palative or end of life care.

We had prepared ourselves but things were not straight forward with her GP's practice. I won't go into that as it's just to upsetting. So finally after two and a half weeks I finally register the death today as our local registrar is very busy. We are still awaiting a date for the funeral.

Things have greatly changed since I went through this 16 years ago with my father and 20 years ago for my grandfather. Everything has been about waiting, waiting for calls that don't come so I have to chase and chase at every step of this deeply saddening time. The lack of communication from every professional involved has been soul destroying. I understand that services are stretched to bursting goodness I couldn't even get a carers assessment without a months wait and that of course never happened. I found myself even getting jealous as a friends relative passed away last week and they have a funeral date how dreadful is that! I also appreciate that during covid the situation was dire so what I am going through is nothing compared to that and my heart goes out to every person that did.
My husband and son's have been so supportive as have my friends but it has been very lonely as an only child with no family to assist. So there we have it hopefully there will be news today.
Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss, and share your frustration waiting for various things.

Sadly, I've dealt with the death and aftermath of too many relatives.

Write down all the things that you are worried about concerning the last few weeks in a book or on your computer, just "headlines". Then leave everything alone until after the funeral.

Concentrate on the service, and getting some much needed sleep, or rest.

After the service, make formal complaints to all who need one.
Then consider if you need a solicitor.
Medical Negligence is a specialist field, if you have any insurance cover involving "legal expenses insurance" this is the time to ring the relevant people.
I had £10,000 worth of investigations paid for this way after my husband died. It was a very healing process. You have three years to go through the process, but MUST make the formal complaints and have a response before they can take over.
Dear Hollyhock,

I am sorry for your loss and the the stress in the lead up and now in the aftermath.

Take heart that your Mother died at home, where she wanted to be and her suffering is now over.

I hope everything speeds up so you can stop chasing and give your Mother a good send off.

Then time to focus on being kind to yourself for a bit.

Melly1
So sorry for your loss Hollyhock and the circumstances, so heartbreaking for you.

The waiting is bad, it's like a state of limbo, my identical twin had a sudden death and it was a long time waiting for things, it is hard to go through. Even harder for you having to chase for things which is not on at all, you should not have to be doing that, it is terrible.

I hope you get some news and dates today or at least tomorrow before this week is over.
Thank you all sorry been so busy as I went back to work I have not been on line. Monday we finally got the call and the funeral will be the 20th of October. I have made lots of notes, lists etc as suggested and it has helped.

It's reached the denial stage now deep down I don't believe she has gone , like any moment I will wake up. But she was 88 and I am so proud we got her home. I know the funeral will assist in the procress of grief and grieving.
Sorry to read of your bereavements too. And yes the lists will be put to one side till after the funeral. The funeral date is so far a head as it is a small parish and the vicar was and is on holiday so once he returns I can go and meet him which will also help having those plans in place. He suggested zoom or phone to save me travelling but it's not that far and I would rather have the discussions face to face and have the chance to wander round the village I have not seen for some years. :)
Morning Hollyhock

Glad to hear you have progress on things and it is typical that key people can be on holiday or training courses at such times. I'm with you that it's better to deal with your mums service face to face.

I am sure you will do her proud with a beautiful service and will find closure and comfort from that, the fact she passed at home and many happy times in life together.

You will probably feel in limbo now, in a void of empty time where your hands are tied for doing anything, it is a weird time where time seems to have it's own ways of passing slow and fast and it seems like forever but then the 20th will suddenly be here.
Thank you.

We are meeting with the Reverend tomorrow.

I have been quiet shocked how things have changed in dealing with her personal affairs. One company I haven't been able to speak to at all on the phobe and have stopped the direct debit and increased her rates despite acknowledging the death certificate via email nearly 3 weeks ago.

I have sat in a bank in the open foyer filling in forms, we have had letters of non payment as one department which said they would tell the other didn't. A company she had an account with and points she used for home shopping have not replied ( via email).

I won't even go into her pension in depth with her last employer the evidence they wanted of surviving members including all birth certificates....

But we are getting there bit by bit.
When my husband died suddenly I ordered about 6 copies of his death certificate.
Then wrote a basic letter, headed with his name, address date of birth.
"I am writing to inform you that my husband ...died on ..
A copy of the death certificate is enclosed. Please copy for your records and return it to me asap.

Depending on what it's about, I would then have a paragraph that said "please transfer the account into my name".

I used the same standard letter repeatedly.