This Carers Week article on 'Building Carer Friendly Communities' was kindly submitted by Scottish carer, Lesley MacCulloch.

This year, Carers Week runs from 8th to 14th June. The theme is 'Building carer-friendly communities'.

This topic has already generated much contemplation, both for myself and many of the carer charities who are campaigning for increased support and awareness of unpaid carers in the  community. But what does this mean exactly, and why do we need to campaign for it?

I am what is known in the care sector as a full-time unpaid carer. I look after my mum who has advanced dementia. I have been Mum’s full-time carer since February 2024 and am no longer able to work in any capacity.

I'd like to say that during this time I have had an abundance of support and assistance from our local community, but I haven't. It’s not that I’ve been looking for it, or even that I expected it, because I didn’t. But taking a moment to highlight this as a theme across the UK... I feel the focus could be on friendly or caring communities in general, as I think we’ve lost a lot of our community trust and togetherness over the decades. I do see this campaign as a 
positive step.

The thing that bothers me a whole lot more than a community not being there for me, however, is the community that Mum has lived in, supported, and served for 50 years not being there for her.

As Mum's mental health declined, so did her community. Indeed, it was 13 or so years ago, when Dad developed Parkinson's and then dementia, that the community they had both been an active part of since 1975 started to look the other way.

Watching this form of rejection has disturbed me a whole lot more than their community not being there for me.

I believe we need a significant culture shift in our communities, and not just in relation to carer support. We need to get better at community support in general. I see so many aging couples, all with their own issues, trying to look after each other, with absolutely no support whatsoever. Where did we go so wrong. When did our priorities change from each other to materialism and distraction.

I think there are a few things at play: 
1. People are confronted by other people's illness and pain. It’s easier to turn away than to face the inner demons that are creating the barriers.

2. People are scared they might have to get involved, and so they tell themselves they don't want to interfere. A bit of help, some shopping, a portion of soup from time to time... this is definitely not getting involved or interfering.

The most support I've had from the community is a few moments when random young men have stopped traffic to make sure I had plenty of time to help Mum across the road, or approached us in Asda to check we were okay and then sought us out before they left to see if they could help carry shopping to the car. The same thing happened with Dad, strangers going out their way to see if we needed assistance. These strangers bring tears to my eyes, 
every single time. 

I find it very interesting that it's people who don't know us that help us the most. My heart would burst open if someone asked if I needed anything while they were at the shops. I spend a lot of my limited and precious respite time in supermarkets. If someone's making soup, it would save me having to think for one meal if they made double and left a portion on the doorstep. It would touch me in a way I don't think anybody really appreciates, and I don't think it would be too difficult a thing to do. I was very moved last Christmas that a friend had made, and left, two portions of a beautiful home-made curry outside our door on Christmas morning. She had cooked for me, driven a ten-mile return trip for me, and been a true fairy godmother leaving the best and most meaningful, practical Christmas gift I could have received.

But that was a friend. I'm not suggesting people have to go extensively out of their way, or even out of their way very much at all. It’s small touches, thoughts, easy offers, that make all the difference, and they don't take too much out of other people. It's not even always about doing; it's about compassion, and showing you care about others. My experience with our community and the way backs turned first with Dad, and now with Mum, has been eye-opening and dismaying. There are a few true friends who stayed the miles. To me their authenticity shines through with grace, humility, love, and respect.

As I've been contemplating this topic, this reality, for the past few weeks, I've become more aware of myself, and how much better I could be. We have lost a lot of community over the years, but we can build it again, by opening our hearts to caring and what that means.

If you happen to be reading this article, what one thing could you do or change today to help build a carer-friendly community around you? It might simply be a conscious decision to change a belief system, or to become more aware of what's going on for other people and generating a small and easy way to show support. Even just a card or a note through the door can make the difference between a person – be it the carer or their loved one – feeling lonely and isolated, or feeling cared for and valued as part of a neighbourhood or community.