Walking away entirely - anyone done this?

[Jessie04]

Hi
It is very hard to understand why people with plenty of money will not pay for care. My aunt is well off but refuses paid help and doesn't see how much we struggle. A few years ago she had a friend cleaning weekly for her until she was forced to employ someone when her friend was ill.
Are your parents misguidedly trying to preserve your inheritance? Can you persuade them that your time, job and peace of mind are more important to you than money?
Elderly people sometimes seem to get stuck in habits of thinking that are hard to shift.
I hope they will understand.

[bowlingbun]

Jessie, one of our relatives was still "saving for a rainy day" when he was 86, had bowel cancer and heart failure. He was so determined the landlord wouldn't benefit from anything he did, that he wouldn't even put draught excluder round the front door, preferring to live in a wind tunnel wearing Long Johns, ankle length pants!!
He had the chance of buying his house, in the middle of the New Forest, for just £8,000 about 30 years ago, but declined the offer, as he didn't think it was good value! It's just been sold for over £400,000.
The older generation were brought up during the war, and soon after, when rationing was still going, and everything was scarce. I'm 65, when I started work, my first pay packet for a WEEK'S work was £7.50 (but our first house cost £6,000). So as the older generation begin to decline, they can gradually lose touch with modern prices and values.
Telling someone that age that you'd rather see them warm and cosy at the end of their lives, than leave you an inheritance, doesn't always work.

[jenny lucas]

Jessie, you must not do ANYTHING for your aunt that could be done by a paid care-worker or cleaner or whatever. If you do it, then she won't pay for them herself (I mean, why should she?!!!!)

The choice for her is not: Pay care-worker or Jessie does it for me for free

Instead it is: Pay care-worker or go without whatever it is she would do.

YOU DO NOT DO IT.

(The only alternative is that you do it FOR MONEY - ie, whatever a professional costs!)

[not a martyr]

Jessie, you must not do ANYTHING for your aunt that could be done by a paid care-worker or cleaner or whatever. If you do it, then she won't pay for them herself (I mean, why should she?!!!!)

The choice for her is not: Pay care-worker or Jessie does it for me for free

Instead it is: Pay care-worker or go without whatever it is she would do.

YOU DO NOT DO IT.

(The only alternative is that you do it FOR MONEY - ie, whatever a professional costs!)

I think this is right. I am trying to live to this stricture!

[not a martyr]

Soooo.....
Hello lovely people here. x
Update from today:

My wonderful and long suffering husband went to collect my mother as arranged from her respite care home, to take her to visit (what I think anyway) is a wonderful home. She had been invited there (following an assessment by the owner and the nursing matron) for today. The idea was that we would take her and after a while leave her there and she would have lunch, join in or at least observe any activities that had been arranged for the afternoon, and then Mum's sister (who is here rarely but could do this today) would pick her up and take her back to her current home which is less than half a mile away. This was so Mum could see if she would prefer to go to this home rather than the one she is in at the moment which she doesn't particularly like and where the care isn't actually all I would want it to be. It's OK but she is bored, there is a lack of "proactive " care, (they are just feeding and bathing her with a few visits a week from the district nurse) and although Mum is confused and physically incapacitated she has a lively mind. Today she had been incontinent when my husband visited her. I am sorry but I can't deal with that on a day to day basis. I work with people who are a one on one and I can't answer the phone for most of my working day. She can't change the bed for herself but thinks she can come home to "look after" my Dad who is in hospital having surgery that may leave him in an even worse state.

The up shot of it was that Mum won't even go to see the other home. She wants to come home with no carers (except me) and have her car back which I confiscated. Before anyone jumps on me for this I would add that she hasn't been well enough to even walk to the car since her hospital stay in December and my father has had many prangs, the worst of which involved multiple parked cars (he didn't even realise he had done it until the police came round - caught on camera). So yes, I stole their cars. Then she will drive off to her holiday home (in a remote location) and be out of reach of pretty much all care. Until I get a call expecting me to drop my life.

I don't care about the inheritance thing and actually it wouldn't even affect it (complicated).

As others have said, they just want things to "go back to normal" but it is totally delusional. I understand how depressing this idea must be, this bleak future at the end of life.

But they do need to decide if they can make the best of it or end their days in misery. I reckon this isn't easy and I may well be even worse when or if it happens to me.

[jenny lucas]

Jessie - But what you can - and even maybe should do - is to use your 'caring time' instead to provide 'companion caring'.....instead of doing the 'drudge work' stuff of caring, which should be paid for if the caree can afford it, which in this instance they can, spend 'social' time with them instead, so they have your company, not your labour.

It really does, though, to my mind personally, depend on what the relationship was like 'pre-caring'.

Not-a-martyr, what made you, do you think, so averse to being responsible for another human being? As I said earlier, for me, it was because my own mother had MH issues, which made her 'needy' (but there were other, incredibly significant compensations, like her unbounded and devoted love for me), and when that 'neediness' arose in my MIL as well, I simply 'freaked'.....(But my MIL was also a 'good woman' and apart from her wanting me to look after her as her dementia took hold, I had a great deal of time and respect and fondness for her.)

[not a martyr]

Here's an interesting one too....

My mother's GP won't visit her at the home even though it is round the corner. They have it on record that she has a daughter who is perfectly capable of taking her to her appointments which are very frequent.

I can't tell you how angry this makes me.

[not a martyr]

Jessie - But what you can - and even maybe should do - is to use your 'caring time' instead to provide 'companion caring'.....instead of doing the 'drudge work' stuff of caring, which should be paid for if the caree can afford it, which in this instance they can, spend 'social' time with them instead, so they have your company, not your labour.

It really does, though, to my mind personally, depend on what the relationship was like 'pre-caring'.

Not-a-martyr, what made you, do you think, so averse to being responsible for another human being? As I said earlier, for me, it was because my own mother had MH issues, which made her 'needy' (but there were other, incredibly significant compensations, like her unbounded and devoted love for me), and when that 'neediness' arose in my MIL as well, I simply 'freaked'.....(But my MIL was also a 'good woman' and apart from her wanting me to look after her as her dementia took hold, I had a great deal of time and respect and fondness for her.)

Hi Jenny, I am going to sound so stupid here, but what are "MH" issues?!

[jenny lucas]

Hi - sorry, quite a bit of jargon gets chucked around here! MH is 'mental health'. If you look at the MH section at the end of the index, you'll see loads of acronyms - eg, BPD, which I used to think meant Bipolar Disorder, but which apparently means Borderline Personality Disorder (I think!). There's quite a bit of 'benefits' jargon too you'll come across, like CA (Carers' Allowance) and AA (Attendence Allowance) and PIP (Personal Independence Payments)(which replaces DLA - Disabled Living Allowance)( etc etc etc etc!)

Re your mum's GP. Nope, they don't like calling at all! You may have to spell out that you are NOT your mum's carer, and will NOT be available in any way whatsoever. Not sure if that will get the GP out - might, or might not. Others here with more experience of that will tell you, I'm sure!

[Jessie04]

Not-a-Martyr
I do sympathise with the fact that your parents are not facing reality at all. But how do they react when you tell them you just can't fill the role they want you to? Have you told them that you know yourself that caring would worsen the relationship between you and you would rather be able to visit to chat? That you have enough self knowledge to know you wouldn't be good at it? That you would have to give up your career? I wouldn't want my children to be so unhappy if I had the means of avoiding it.