I've Cancelled Carers Allowance - What now?

[Sarah_160912]

I posted some time ago asking for advice on a difficult relationship with my disabled alcoholic mother. I was her carer and she was abusive, I wanted to stop caring for her but felt to guilty to do so.

Long story short, this Saturday was the straw that broke the camels back. She was alone for the first time in ages and she got absolutely hammered on vodka at 9am. She has been on a bender ever since. She wont answer my phone calls, and I can't risk visiting her on my own as she can be very violent when drunk.

I can't do it anymore, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. It's been 13 years of hell and I'm only 25, I need to take care of myself now. Please don't tell me I'm selfish for giving up my role as primary carer. I didn't ask for this job I was forced into it from a young age. It has taken a lot for me to admit that I can't help her anymore.

I went on the GOV website and have officially told them I'm no longer caring for her as of Today. I know I'll get a bill for the money already paid for this week, I'm more than happy to pay that back!

Does anyone know the answers to the following:

Will she get a letter in the post / a phone call confirming I've stopped receiving CA?
Will CA contact me to try to convince me to carry on caring?
How do I pay back the CA that has been paid to me this week, will they send me a letter?

I want to tell her myself that I'm no longer receiving CA but need to wait till she comes down off her bender. For anyone interested I will try my absolute best to arrange alternative care for her. I'm not abandoning her, I just need to not be responsible for her primary care needs. I have to go back to work and crack on with my life before my 20's are ruined like my teens were.

[DC-dogmummy]

Sarah you have done exactly the right thing in my eyes. You have the right to pull your own life back together. Who knows- once time has gone by a different relationship may evolve that is more meaningful and less abusive. IN the meanwhile if she needs care it does not need to be you who provides that. I am caring for my mother (94) and have been caring on & off for her my whole life. Now at 67 I wish I'd had your courage at your age.

Contact Social services to tell them she no longer has a carer and the responsibility needs to be re-assessed. Then ring the CA people to ask them the question you pose about over-payment Then - job done! Go away if you can for a few days or at least get a takeaway and a good dvd and turn off the phone.

Good luck sweetie!

[helena_1512]

No you are not selfish and I agree with your decision. Alcoholics can be a nightmare frankly and it is to a degree a self inflicted illness.

My advice would be to write to her GP that she is a vulnerable adult and you are no longer caring for her on a day to day basis. I would also write to Social Services - keep copies and send recorded delivery and try to get a name to address your letter to.

Have you thought about Al Anon? It is a support group for children and family/friends of alcoholics? I feel you may well benefit from some support right now.

I can only imagine what you must have gone through over the years. Please post for support if you need to - none of us will judge you. I wish you every happiness.

[Sarah_160912]

Thank you so much DC-dogmummy & helena_1512.

I've just given Carers Allowance Unit a call. They were lovely and very understanding. I'll get a letter in the post confirming I've stopped receiving CA, they didn't mention if they'd contact Mum but it doesn't matter. I'll keep trying to contact her in the meantime. I recon I'll be able to get in touch before any letters get sent her way.

Once I've spoken to her I'll get in touch with the GP & social services to get her the help she needs. I know she'll be more receptive to outside help once she knows I'm no longer receiving money for her care. In her mind I was getting paid to look after her so she wouldn't allow me to get any outside help.

I'm just so glad that I can finally move on. I'm going to go to the GP myself this week and talk about getting on the waiting list for counselling sessions. My doc knows the situation and has been asking if I want to go on the list for a while now. I'm finally ready

[bowlingbun]

Sarah, this isn't a site where we tell people off, we are all carers and understand just how difficult long term caring can be.
Don't beat yourself up in any way for giving up caring for mum, I'm amazed that you have managed for so long. You must feel PROUD of all the love and care you have given mum, but it sounds like she is beyond help or understanding.
It will take time to recover from all this, counselling will certainly help you to move on. If you feel like you need support through this period, just come here and we will help as much as we can.

[rosemary]

I agree with the others before me in that time to look out for yourself. No one judges here, most of us have shoes that no one else would want to try on, never mind walk in them.

As an aside, if your mam is in receipt of certain benefits and lives alone, there is a chance she may be qualify for a disability premium to be added to her own money. If she is on benefits a review for her may be needed. She could use this towards paying someone else to help her until you find out if she is eligible for a care package from social services.
Please note this is only a possibility not a guarantee.

x

[MrsAverage]

Hi Sarah
Anyone dealing with an alcoholic has to develop an invisible 'Teflon shield' which deflects the slings and barbs and allows you to build and heal yourself behind it. You have to remind yourself constantly that you are a good person who is worthy of a good life and that Mums behaviour is because over time her brain has become damaged. You did not cause this damage, and it is likely unrepairable. It is a very sad situation but you have done everything you could.

Have you contacted al-anon who provide support for family and friends of alcoholics?
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk

((Hugs))
MrsA

[Diane_170812]

You have totally done the right thing I gave up caring for my mum cos she was so difficult and when I rang the carers line they told me they probably not ask for the money back as it was only one week. As far as I know she never got informed and they never tried to persuade me to look after her again. You are a young woman and you have given it your best time to think about you deep down you might feel guilty but don't. You need to live your life

[Alison_17081]

I can't do it anymore, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. It's been 13 years of hell and I'm only 25, I need to take care of myself now. Please don't tell me I'm selfish for giving up my role as primary carer. I didn't ask for this job I was forced into it from a young age. It has taken a lot for me to admit that I can't help her anymore.

Oh, Sarah You should never have been put in this position to start with, especially at such a young age. It takes a lot for any of us to admit that we can't manage any more, and it's good that you've done it before it's too late. I regret that this forum software doesn't have a "Like" button, because I think I'd have Liked every one of the replies on here. Hoping that both you and your mum get your needs sorted out.