Hello all, I’m in desperate need of advice. I am the registered carer of my 29 year old son and I love him deeply , but over the years his abusive and prevIously violent behaviour has made life for his step father and I a living hell. I had at last managed to sort out a formal diagnosis of several mental health issues and ASD. I also worked hard to secure him a place in supported living soon to be ready. I’ve bought him everything new as he refused anything second hand and I truly thought there was light at the end of the tunnel for us all. Now he has announced he is only staying there a few months and then Going to France as I have ruined his life. Supported living would have taught him all he needed and he Could have completed his O U degree and then Moved on and perhaps have had a chance of a better life. I am totally distraught at all if this as I believe it won’t work out as it didn’t before and he will expect me to bail him out and take Him back. I have done this before and spent Thousands of pounds trying to help him, but it’s all just thrown back in my face. He at last has the correct Benefits and support Workers who I know find me a nuisance because I do not let up on trying to help him sort his life out - I’m sure they see me as a busybody they don’t have time for and I understand that totally. My question is this - I cannot carry on this way and I definitely cannot have my son Home again when/if this all goes wrong. I know that sounds wicked but we have 6 children between us and my Son has taken 99%og everything. I just cannot do it anymore and i Am becoming more anxious over all of this by the day. Is there a way I can ensure I am not left to pick up the pieces again ? I’m in my late 50s and the stress Is unbearable.ive already told my son that if he does blow this one chance he cannot come back here, but I know he will try. I’m not sleeping and if I do drop off I have nightmares and stomach is in knots constantly. His real father doesn’t want to know. Please - any advice of what measures I can put in place to protect myself from more of this torture would be gratefully appreciated- telling me I’m cruel won’t help - I feel bad enough already, but this is slowly killing me. Thank you
Amanda, you raise the very difficult issue of 'morality and mental heath'.....at what point do we stop 'feeling sorry' for someone with MH issues, and start applying 'normal morality' to them.
To me, reading your post, I feel the point has been passed a long, long time ago. No more excuses for him.
Maybe, yes, the ASD - an actual neurological condition that DOES make his brain 'work differently' from the neuro-typicals of the rest of us - but other than that, well, sorry, he's had FAR too much attention and allowance made for him.
Time for 'firm love'. That means supporting him ONLY when he is making the effort NOT to be a complete and absolute pain in the backside to the entire world. Making an effort NOT to be totally and monstrously self-centred. Making an effort NOT to exploit your love for him for his own entirely selfish and self-pitying ends.
I'm not saying HE is monstrous - I'm saying his MH has MADE him monstrous.
(On the ASD front - I was married to a man who, restrospectively, was pretty obviously in the :Asperger's spectrum - not severely ,but 'characteristically' - in 'my day' in the 80s it was little understood, but once it came onto the public awareness scheme it was 'obvious' that that was why he was as 'odd' as he was. BUT, and I say this cautiously, and I know there are actually a good few members here who have children who are severely on the ASD spectrum, my husband DID 'improve' over the years. And to add to that, my niece's stepson is a diagnosed high-functioning autist who has now, at the age of 18, been 'de-diagnosed' or whatever the term is, to indicate that he is no longer considered to be autistic in any 'disabling' sense. I say all this simply to indicate that it MAY BE, that EVEN your son's ASD cannot be used as a complete 'get out of all responsibility for myself' card for free!)
So, to my mind, your son has used up ALL your love and goodwill. He has been, as you say, abusive and exploitative, and has the NERVE to blame YOU for his woes in life. It's time for him to take responsibility for his own life and the grim truth is he will NEVER do that while you 'bail him out' etc etc.
That's where the firm love comes in - you have to now 'stand back' and let him make his own mistakes and TAKE THE CONSEQUENCES for those mistakes.
It will call for love of a much harder kind - one that is 'anti-instinctive' for a mum - ie, you have to let him SUFFER for his bad behaviour.
Let him go to France - let him mess up, if he does - and then DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK.
How long, in practice, will that supported living place 'hold' for him? If you can persuade them to keep it on standby for him for as long as possible, that would be great.
By the way, how DARE he say he only wanted brand new things! How DARE he? (Sadly, the answer is, because you let him.)
Your son, for what ever reasons, has become 'monstrous' - and sadly, now, only you, by applying your 'firm love' can call him to account finally and belatedly.
He can be 'saved' - but not by any further indulgence. By him finally accepting that his happiness is HIS responsibility, not yours.
I wish you all the very best, but enough is enough. Time to let him go - literally - and focus on your other children who both need AND DESERVE your care and love and attention. (PS I bet they are a LOT tougher on him than you are!)