[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
Emotionally abused - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Emotionally abused

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
I know what he does is wrong but I also know it's due to his mental health. When my mother was alive, she was able to focus on him and keep him calm and now it's just me, he is a mess. He feels lonely and takes it out on me because there is no one else. He does care about me in his own way. Sometimes he does thank me or says he appreciates me but he is so wrapped up sometimes in his needs, he forgets that I am not his maid.

I have a couple of medical conditions myself and he doesn't seem to understand why I can't do lots of things young people do. That can annoy him. I also don't have the same interests as him or hold the same political views. It's one of the reasons I took him to mental health services but they let us down so completely. I can cope 85% of the time. I have to. But sometimes I just need to let it out. Thanks for listening.
Stop making excuses for him. He has no respect for you, you deserve so much better.
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/contro ... ents-signs

https://www.lifeadvancer.com/controllin ... with-them/

From above link .....

Parents with manipulative tendencies may have experienced hurt in the past. They may hold their children on tight leashes because of their insecurities. Having been in submissive positions before, managing their children is a way for them to be dominant.

Of course, some parents are narcissists. They become manipulative to defend their egos. Such parents feel that others should attune to their expectations, and refuse to consider any alternatives. To them, compromise is a weakness.

First, empower yourself. You may have parents who try to keep you in an Alcatraz-like, emotional prison, but you are responsible for your actions. Develop a plan to set boundaries and gain control of your life.

Make the decision to stand up to them, and not get overly angry. Do not obsess over pleasing them; remember that you have your life to live.

You cannot change your parents; that is a fact you must accept. However, you can choose to distance yourself from them. Stand your ground, and do not get too defensive if they accuse you of neglecting them.
This article you may perhaps find helpful to reinforce the principle that there's no excuse for domestic violence which includes the types of neglect, threats and controlling behaviour that you've outlined. You are perhaps better at seeing his mental health issues as a factor or context, but never a justifiable excuse to be on the receiving end of this and that you must put up with it.

You can swap out the word 'partner' and change it to 'father' because domestic abuse isn't solely something that happens in a personal relationship but in a family relationship, too.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/ab ... onnection/

What was he like before he became ill, if you remember a time before his health conditions started? Do you think if his mental health condition is properly diagnosed and treated that he would treat you with respect and kindness?

Abusive behaviour can take place when the mental health disorder is under control because it can relate to the person's character, attitudes and behaviour, their sense of entitlement to be disrespectful and put themselves first. Even when the mental health symptoms are under control, and it does seem that he has a significant condition, is there any expectation on your part that you would be able to forge ahead with your own life?

By the sounds of it, all you can recall is abusive behaviour to you. You are unable to look after your own health, have a romantic relationship, live elsewhere, sleep peacefully, have friends or earn a living. Do you hold any hope in being able to do these things if he gets professional support?
Sakura wrote:
Tue Oct 06, 2020 4:14 am
I know it has been a while since I posted but I wanted to come back and thank everyone for their input.
Good day, Sakura. Thank you for taking the courage to come back with some detail.

Your dad is a sad, sick man who needs medical help. You clearly have medical issues too and also need help. For the benefit of both of you, this situation is unacceptable and must change. Let me go through some of your posts.
To answer a few questions, he has mental as well as physical issues which affects his ability to cope with strangers so getting in another carer putting him in a home would put a page amount of stress on his heart. . .
Who made this diagnosis? A GP? A social worker? A psychiatrist? The NHS has facilities for people with mental health problems. It is not acceptable to just let things rest.
He refused to let me go to hospital because I would be leaving him on his own for hours. When I fell, I did so in front of a witness who tried to bang on my door many times to get him to come out and he continued to watch TV. It took a long time to heal but it has never been right.
Can you make it clearer what actually happened here? You said earlier you were not allowed visitors, yet this fall happened in front of a witness. Was the witness inside the house? Did your dad lock himself in a room? Which door did the witness bang on? If you dad continued to watch TV, what prevented you from going to Accident and Emergency right then? Could not the witness have called an ambulance?
. . .
Unfortunately, a neighbor heard him one night and called the police. They came and separated us to talk. I explained his illness and they seemed satisfied and left but he blames me for them turning up and claims it was because of my abuse of him that night . . .
(my emboldening)
I would change the first word to "Fortunately". It is good that your neighbour is now aware of the situation. If the police are involved again, I suggest you are not so conciliatory towards your dad and focus more on the unacceptable treatment you are receiving. The police are constantly frustrated by many cases of unacceptable behaviour they cannot pursue further, because the victim does not want to press charges. Have you taken up Sunnydisposition's suggestion and arranged a code system with your neighbour. There could be more than one code - one for "I need help," and another for "Call the police." Don't be averse to calling the police if things get really bad. Physical or verbal violence is not acceptable.
. . .
The mental health team where I live have done nothing. They basically saw him twice and then stopped talking to us completely. I tried to get him to join a local group so he could get out more but he refused.
What is this mental team exactly? A group of doctors at the local mental hospital? Or a local volunteer advisory group without formal qualifications? Don't try to get your dad to join anything; you are wasting your time; this would not achieve anything.
. . . Putting him in a home is not an option. Getting another carer is not an option. Asking family for help is not an option. Not because I won't, I literally do not have those options. . .
You are right. Now I know a little more about you I agree these are not options. He would wreak havoc in a care home, and would not be accepted into this type of care anyway. This is going to need more work than bringing in another carer. You can't expect your family to handle him; he needs professional help.

All I want is a full night's sleep, a day with no shouting, and be able to look after him without being told everything I do wrong. . .
The operative word here is "All". I think you want, and deserve, more than this. Don't you want to have friends, have a job, be able to have hospital treatment instead of being scarred for life? Better to aim high and possibly achieve slightly less than aim low and meet your target.

Mental health is a form of illness and you cannot be expected to either cure him yourself or put up with the difficult consequences of his illness. You need to take steps to improve things for both of you. I recommend two actions.

1. See your GP. Explain in full the circumstances and seek advice on what can be done for the benefit of both of you. Ask if your dad needs a referral to a mental health specialist for further treatment.

2. Visit your Citizens' Advice Bureau. Explain the situation and say that you want a full Social Services assessment of your dad. They should be able to direct you to how to arrange this. Yes this will mean leaving Dad on his own. Just do it. If he cannot cope with being on his own for a couple of hours he seriously needs help and you must take steps to arrange it. This is all part of the condition you should explain to people.

Please put aside your feelings of, "He can't help himself so I must just put up with everything." Start thinking about asserting your independence and helping him towards becoming a happy and contented human being. He is your dad, after all!
The witness wasn't anyone I knew. I was outside in the front garden when it happened and they saw me fall. They offered to call someone but I said it was okay because there was someone in the house. They tried to knock on the door but Dad wouldn't answer (it is my job to answer the door for mail and things so if someone knocks when I am doing the shopping or walking the door, the door doesn't get answered) I eventually just thanked them and then attempted to go around to the back. Wasn't easy because my leg was very painful but you do what you have to. Dad was concerned about my leg but he didn't want me to get stitches. I have never been allowed to go to hospital for any injury since I was a child. My parents didn't like hospitals and I was mostly told I was being dramatic if I asked to go. I probably was but still.

The mental health team are doctors and nurses but to be honest, they just let us down badly. Mental health services where we are are poorly funded and not great.

I don't really have much ambition to be fair. I have always been pretty much invisible all of my life so I don't really think about that. Thank you all for your advice and kindness. I just need to vent mostly.
Sakura wrote:
Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:03 pm

I don't really have much ambition to be fair. I have always been pretty much invisible all of my life so I don't really think about that. Thank you all for your advice and kindness. I just need to vent mostly.
We all need to vent sometimes Sakura, usually it helps, (it certainly helps me when I do), but you also need to think much more positively about yourself.

Make a start right now: just think of one simple thing that you want to do and begin to make the arrangements for that to happen, once you've done that you've begun the process and you can go on from there and do more.

There's a whole world of experiences out there waiting for you. Come back and tell us about it, however trivial it may seem, anything is a start.
Your dad wants you to feel invisible and worthless to make it easier to control you. Horrible. A good parent wants to support their child to realise her dreams, to feel loved, half fulfilled, not treat her the way your dad does. We are here to help and support you as much as we can.
I know that you say that you don't have ambitions. I think they were probably extinguished by your intense caring role where you've been treated like a maid and all your time and energy is spent on your father.

I hope we are not overwhelming you with our advice and opinions.

However, it would be lovely if you could give some thought to what you would like to do, if you were free from that role. What kind of interests would you like to follow? Is there a particular job or college/Uni course that you find inspiring? Do you want to have a partner and family of your own? Where would you like to go on holiday?
Sakura wrote:
Thu Oct 15, 2020 7:03 pm
The witness wasn't anyone I knew. I was outside in the front garden when it happened and they saw me fall. They offered to call someone but I said it was okay because there was someone in the house. They tried to knock on the door but Dad wouldn't answer (it is my job to answer the door for mail and things so if someone knocks when I am doing the shopping or walking the door, the door doesn't get answered) I eventually just thanked them and then attempted to go around to the back. Wasn't easy because my leg was very painful but you do what you have to. Dad was concerned about my leg but he didn't want me to get stitches. I have never been allowed to go to hospital for any injury since I was a child. My parents didn't like hospitals and I was mostly told I was being dramatic if I asked to go. I probably was but still.
. . .
(my emboldening)
Thanks, Sakura, for clarifying the position. No you don't do what you have to. You don't have to obey totally unreasonable instructions from a man who is so mentally sick that he can't be left alone for a short period. You were not dramatic when you told your parents you required medical treatment. It is everyone's right.

I get the impression that you tell people that things are OK when they are not. You have made a good step forward by coming to this forum and telling us about the things that are wrong. Now you should take the next step - tell the people that can really make a difference.

Ayjay and Joanne have made some good suggestions. It is also time to go and see the doctor. Tell him the full story, including about the accident. Ask him if he considers the fact, that your father is effectively imprisoning you because he (says he) can't be left alone, is reasonable. Say that you think his condition has deteriorated and he needs a further referral for psychological assessment. Also visit Citizens' Advice. They may have ideas apart from what I suggested.

Best wishes