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Carer for dad and feel unappreciated - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Carer for dad and feel unappreciated

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Aug 11, 2020 3:23 pm
If you don't stick up for yourself no one else will.
I would suggest dad leaves the house to YOU in recognition of your care, or else leaves it jointly to you and your siblings, in trust so you can stay there forever, then it's divided up equally.
I'm in the process of putting the bottom half of my garden in trust, and my house will be in trust after I die. It's the only way to keep the taxman at bay. Our little cottage in the New Forest cost us well under £20,000 in 1976, but we've done a lot of work on it, and property in this area is now horribly expensive.
Yes, sadly that is what I have come to realize. And he is now probably thinking he has many months to live, which he may do but I also know this disease can come quickly at the end.
Arrange for a solicitor to visit dad asap.
My brother died suddenly, don't leave it or you will regret it!
bowlingbun wrote:
Wed Aug 12, 2020 3:26 am
Arrange for a solicitor to visit dad asap.
My brother died suddenly, don't leave it or you will regret it!
I will do, thank you for all your advice!
It's really important that a solicitor does this is possible, so that there are no allegations of you influencing the will. My mum was housebound, I let the solicitor into her house, then went into the kitchen. The solicitor asked me to go into the garden, happy to do so, then there could be no allegations. After mum died, my brother didn't think he'd had enough inheritance, and I was sent a threatening solicitors letter. My solicitor told him where to go!!
My dad doesn't like solicitors, he spent most of his life writing complaints letter to them over petty issues, they even offered him money to sort out the issues but he refused and kept complaining, thinking he could change the system. He'd rather do that than spend time with us as kids. So he doesn't want to use a solicitor. He would have changed the house to 1/3 my name but my mum doesn't want him to, and as they own it jointly he needs her agreement to change it. My mum said to me "I do feel that you are asking for all this because you don't trust me, it won't matter if he dies without a Will because I know you've been caring and I'll make sure you get something." She may keep her word but it seems strange that she just doesn't want o sort anything out now. Why wait. My dad could leave his half (or whatever portion he wanted to in his Will, but he won't). I feel it's very unfair but I think all I can do is start to rebuild my life. My sister has refused to come back and help so what will happen if I decide to move out... I will be getting carers in to look after him if he needs more help and I will concentrate on my work and catching up on everything which I have sacrificed. Luckily right now he is pretty much well enough to look after himself, but if he gets worse I will make sure I don't make any more sacrifices for him. He was an alcoholic, more of a functioning alcoholic and although he's stopped drinking due to his illness, he still has the self centered thinking. I'll keep working on myself and my recovery.
You hadn't said it was owned jointly before.
I would suggest that YOU consulted a solicitor even if dad won't to establish the legal position.
bowlingbun wrote:
Fri Aug 14, 2020 1:24 pm
You hadn't said it was owned jointly before.
I would suggest that YOU consulted a solicitor even if dad won't to establish the legal position.
Sorry I didn't make that clear. It's a weird situation , they both own it but my mum hasn't lived in the house for at least 6 years. She couldn't ever bring herself to asking him to sell it, or getting a divorce, her divorce idea was dropped when he got ill. She denies that now, and she says she hadn't thought of getting a divorce for over 5 years but either she can't remember or she is lying because I do remember.

I suppose as he doesn't want to leave anything to me anyway now because my mum doesn't agree to giving me part of the house, there's nothing I can do anyway. But if he was going to put part of the house in my name I see it's a good idea for me to get a solicitor.

He just asked me now if I could take family medical leave (unpaid) to drive him around in his motorhome for a few weeks. I said it was something I'd thought of before, but the problem for me now is that I won't have an income and I won't be able to get a mortgage. He didn't say anything in response to that. He clearly doesn't understand that I'll be even further behind in my work and promotions etc. I'd be willing to do whatever he wants, but not when he doesn't treat me fairly.
Mum probably knows that if he divorced her, she'd get nothing!
Has he made a will?
bowlingbun wrote:
Fri Aug 14, 2020 2:42 pm
Mum probably knows that if he divorced her, she'd get nothing!
Has he made a will?
If they divorced then she'd get half the assets I think, no sure.. but if he dies then she'll get his pension I suppose.. well it definitely makes sense for her not to divorce him now!

She would never come back to live in this house, or live with him again in normal times... I.e if he wasn't ill. But she would come back here to care for him (if she wasnt caring for her mum), however I know it wouldn't be happy and they'd argue a lot if they were living together.

Mum sacrifices her life caring for one person then another. She is severely depressed and doesn't know how to enjoy life by herself, needing to keep caring for others. Even now caring for her mother with dementia, she refuses to take a break as she'd feel guilty doing something for fun.

My dad has not made a Will, he talks of making one and may make one next time she comes to visit. He won't make one on his own. There is no urgency about it and the Will would leave everything to her and when she dies it would go equally between me and 3 siblings. But he isn't too interested in making one because if he doesn't then intestacy rules state the same thing, everything goes to the spouse then to the children.