Round 3..

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
Hi everyone..
I'm new to the forum but not new to caring. I was a young (child) carer from the age of 5 to 15, and then a carer in my 20s to my grandmother who died of vascular dementia.
I have recently became a carer again, to my mother in law, who has moved in with me, and is rapidly deterating. Her mood swings are becoming very severe and she is struggling to cope with the changes. She has had a lot of loss and bereavement in the past few years, and I think the whole thing has triggered her decline.
My partner works full time and can be reluctant to even take us food shopping, everything is a massive rush and he wants things done yesterday. He treats his mother like a child and won't even so much as allow her to open a car door on the side of traffic coming (which she's more then capable of doing) he doesn't realise that things take a little bit longer due to his mum's illnesses ..Ive trued asking him to just be patient and allow her time for her to catch up. I understand he works full time, but just a lift to the shops would be a massive help. We are awaiting a disability car so I'm hoping this will give us some independence.
We have all social assessments, caring assessments, money etc in place already, I guess that's all from experiance. I just wonder why, why I find my self in this situation again.. knowing what's going to happen is scaring me more then going in blind like my grandmother. I find myself already grieving and my mother in law is not even in her late stages yet..I'm tired and I've only just began this journey again. I know I'm putting my life on hold again, i try to have a break, but then my partner wants to spend time with me, he even sat on the loo whilst I had a bath the other night. There's always a reason why I can't go and do something woth friends and I guess I just kinda feel trapped again. My mother in Law won't attend anything wothout me glued to her side and won't have any carers etc on the house.
Sorry for the rambling. :silly: :silly: :silly:
Hi Vickie,
It sounds like you are pretty clued up and have done all the 'basics'. Knowing what you were in for why did you agree to have MIL come live with you? That question is not meant to be critical just wondered whose idea it was?
MIL cannot refuse to have carers come into YOUR home.
Your husband is very wrong in refusing to help you look after HIS mother. It's not your responsibility and you do not have to do it.
What do you suspect or know( diagnosis) is wrong with MIL? Is it old age, dementia, a combination of moving etc?
What is the consensus between you and your husband? Do you think a Care Home is a possibility? Maybe assisted living?
Do you work/have a job?
Where did MIL live before? Has she more than £23,000.00 at her disposal?
It's not fair that you should sacrifice any more of your life and well being. Maybe hubby agrees?
I think stern words with both are needed.
So your husband has dumped his mum in your home and expects you to care for her until she dies?!?!

NO!

I think you need to have a "Her or Me" conversation. You deserve better than this and he is your husband, if he thinks your role is just that of slave then escape! (Sorry, my feathers have been ruffled today!)
Vickie_1910 wrote:
Wed Oct 23, 2019 1:09 am
Hi everyone..
I'm new to the forum but not new to caring. I was a young (child) carer from the age of 5 to 15, and then a carer in my 20s to my grandmother who died of vascular dementia.
I have recently became a carer again, to my mother in law, who has moved in with me, and is rapidly deterating. Her mood swings are becoming very severe and she is struggling to cope with the changes. She has had a lot of loss and bereavement in the past few years, and I think the whole thing has triggered her decline.
My partner works full time and can be reluctant to even take us food shopping, everything is a massive rush and he wants things done yesterday. He treats his mother like a child and won't even so much as allow her to open a car door on the side of traffic coming (which she's more then capable of doing) he doesn't realise that things take a little bit longer due to his mum's illnesses ..Ive trued asking him to just be patient and allow her time for her to catch up. I understand he works full time, but just a lift to the shops would be a massive help. We are awaiting a disability car so I'm hoping this will give us some independence.
We have all social assessments, caring assessments, money etc in place already, I guess that's all from experiance. I just wonder why, why I find my self in this situation again.. knowing what's going to happen is scaring me more then going in blind like my grandmother. I find myself already grieving and my mother in law is not even in her late stages yet..I'm tired and I've only just began this journey again. I know I'm putting my life on hold again, i try to have a break, but then my partner wants to spend time with me, he even sat on the loo whilst I had a bath the other night. There's always a reason why I can't go and do something woth friends and I guess I just kinda feel trapped again. My mother in Law won't attend anything wothout me glued to her side and won't have any carers etc on the house.
Sorry for the rambling. :silly: :silly: :silly:
My only tip is to practice being assertive. Stand up and say no. Be confident.
Sounds like you did not have much of a say at all.

You need to sit down with your husband and discuss this.

I can understand that he is going to be scared for his mother because this could be a new thing he has never dealt with before.. but this is exactly why he must acknowledge you have lived through a similar experience and came out the other end, that you have the benefit of hindsight in this case and have a better grasp on how things will pan out in the long term.

In the same breath, he must be sensitive to the fact while this is a difficult time for him, the situation is going to cause painful and traumatic memories to re-surface for you as well as MIL's health deteriorates.

Put your foot down, he needs to realise this is one of those things where he is vastly out of his depth and needs to listen to what others are saying. Its already potentially creating relationship problems for you to be left feeling like this.
How are you today?