I'm a 24 year old carer and I've had enough

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
Hi Anthony. I’m 30 in June and working full time whilst caring for an elderly relative. He is often abusive especially towards my wife including being physically imposing, touching her inappropriately and trying to whip our cats with towels. He is always suspicious of us and what we’re doing or saying.

We have one shelf in the fridge that we can use and that is it. Even then he still often eats our food that we have been saving and looking forward to. This is absolutely killing us and we’re looking at moving out of the house and onto a narrowboat.

I really feel for you and for other carers who are left in this horrible position. Every day you are living in an atmosphere of old age or sickness and death and it infects your thoughts turning you into a mental prisoner thinking ‘who will care for me when I’m old? Will I be like this one day?’ etc etc. We are at the end of our tether right now and just can’t wait to get out of here.
Bjarki,

That is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Reading through your email, at least two CRIMES are being committed by the person you care for.

Sexual abuse - yes, even touching!
Animal cruelty.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but your name suggests that your family may originate in a different country?
In the UK, our laws apply, regardless of what had to be tolerated elsewhere.

Tell us a bit more about the person you care for, age, disability especially.
Have you ever asked Social Services for a Carers Assessment, for you and your partner?
Has he ever had a Needs Assessment from Social Services?
Is he claiming any disability benefits?
Bjarki_1905 wrote:
Sun May 12, 2019 5:44 pm
Hi Anthony. I’m 30 in June and working full time whilst caring for an elderly relative. He is often abusive especially towards my wife including being physically imposing, touching her inappropriately and trying to whip our cats with towels. He is always suspicious of us and what we’re doing or saying.

We have one shelf in the fridge that we can use and that is it. Even then he still often eats our food that we have been saving and looking forward to. This is absolutely killing us and we’re looking at moving out of the house and onto a narrowboat.

I really feel for you and for other carers who are left in this horrible position. Every day you are living in an atmosphere of old age or sickness and death and it infects your thoughts turning you into a mental prisoner thinking ‘who will care for me when I’m old? Will I be like this one day?’ etc etc. We are at the end of our tether right now and just can’t wait to get out of here.
Hi Bjarki. I am so sorry to hear about your distressing circumstances. I can imagine this must be a particularly difficult time for you and your wife.

For emotional support, you can contact Samaritans. Samaritans is available round the clock, every single day of the year, for anyone who is struggling to cope. You can contact them for free on 116 123. You also might want to consider getting in touch with Victim Support. Victim Support provides confidential emotional and practical support. They have a free support line available 24 hours a day and can be contacted on 08 08 16 89 111. Are you in touch with any local carers organisation at all? You may find it useful to find one closest to you. You can use the directory on our website here: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... -support

Regarding your wife, it is important that you or your wife speak to a specialist helpline such as Women’s Aid which is open 24/7 and free. Their number is 0808 2000 247. Victim Support is another organisation that you can call.

Once again, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. I hope you find the support you need both on this forum and elsewhere. Other forum members may have other suggestions too.
Hi Anthony,
I know how you feel. I am now 25 and have no life of my own. I look after my younger brother 23 who has a Brain tumour and Epilepsy.
Life is cruel and ridiculously difficult but we keep going anyway. One thing I have learnt is my resilience is ALOT higher than everyone around me which is something we all have as Carers and should take pride in it too.
We have no family, it's me and him against the world and the fact you have a fairly big family I would sit down with them and have a discussion with all of them. There are SO many options available to you all! I would even give Carers UK and Epilepsy Society a call to see how they can help.
You might be able to have support provided so you can work part-time - then it gives you a middle ground between what life throws at us.
My own wellbeing is something I really suck at, but I'm learning as much as I can. If we don't look after ourselves, how on earth can we look after others! Sometimes we just need something that is ours and no one else's. You need to find that something.
As you are the primary carer for your sister, look at getting her PIP (personal independence payment) - it's a lengthy process and you need to find local support to fill in the forms with you both but it's totally worth it. Once she has been awarded, you can claim Carers allowance! DEFINITELY look into it.

Remember, keep going! You've totally got this.
Jey, that's a huge amount of responsibility for such a young person.
Have you had a Carers Assessment from Social Services? Has your brother had a Needs Assessment in the last 12 months?
Trust me you are not being selfish! I myself am 25 and have been in a similar situation to you. For years I have stopped myself from doing what I wanted and it has destroyed friendships and even potential relationships. I always felt guilty if I didn’t look after my mum because quite frankly my family weren’t stepping up to the plate and my thoughts were always if I don’t then who will. I now realise I should have dealt with my situation a lot earlier than I did and I probably wouldn’t have been depressed. It will be tough but you need to have an open and honest conversation with your family because your life and existence matters too.
Anthony, my son M is now 40, he has severe learning difficulties. He will never get better, because he is brain damaged. Your sister will never get better either.

M now lives in his own flat, with carer support.
It was a tough decision, but one day I know I will die, and so it was really important to make arrangements while I still can.
Your sister will have to move out when you die too. She and the family CANNOT force you to care for her. Every day you avoid saying "I won't care for her any more" is a day of your life lost forever.

How come you ended up looking after her in the first place?
Where are your parents?