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Carers UK Forum • Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out
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Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 10:46 am
by Ben_2208
Hi everyone,

I'm 25 and living with my mum and have done for all my life and the last few years especially has been really hard on me for my mental health.

My mum more than likely has a neurological disorder from her body not absorbing certain vitamins properly. She went to the doctors many times about not quite feeling right then around 6 - 8 months ago she got a lot worse by not being able to walk properly, feels like she has to think about walking and she can't run really at all, and the second she starts to do anything active she gets very tired. The doctors FINALLY stopped blaming it on depression a month ago and currently getting vitamins to help the body work properly but after a lot of research it can turn into a neurological disorder which is hard to treat. I'm lucky that she can still do stuff for herself. She absolutely hates feeling like this too and wants to feel better.

She doesn't really have any friends at all, apart from 1 friend who can't walk properly and sometimes frustrates her badly but at least it's someone who she can talk to. But when I'm home a lot of her energy is mostly pointed towards me, she also doesn't have any family that she talks to either. . She most likely is on the autistic spectrum most likely aspergers but hasn't been diagnosed so this does explain a lot of her behaviour. If I spend 1-2 days with only talking/spending time with her for an hour or so on my days off then she get annoyed and pissy with me so it feels like I'm even more trapped

I also don't really have any friends either. The few people I do know can barely lift a finger to make any effort for me, but will jump if it's for other people. I had a lot of friends online a few years ago as a big group but for a few months I was going through some stuff and wasn't really active at all and they kicked me from the group and wouldn't really reply at all, including my best friend and since then I have really really struggled with making any proper friends at all, truthfully I don't even know how to make friends anymore. I've never really had a proper true friendship in the past 10-15 years in real life where we see each other more than once a month, the last time I seen a friend was 1.5 years ago, before then was another year before that was 2 years etc. I'm not a horrible person at all and probably one of the most caring people you'll know, i always ask if people are OK, even to strangers when they seem upset when I'm working. My social life is my work basically, it's the only time I get to interact with people in real life.

I work in retail full time where most of the people here are pretty decent and it's in a nice area so we don't get much trouble at all which is quite lucky. My mum wants to work but as she feels so tired all the time she physically cannot.

We currently live in my dads house but they split up around 5-10 years ago and he moved out into another place so it's just mum and me here. I'm very lucky that I don't have to pay rent so I can save but I do pay for all the other bills.

The house itself is a complete mess truthfully, it's pretty messy with things everywhere that needs to be cleaned up properly but I just don't have the energy or motivation to do it, and it's not in the best condition either with a leaky roof, large cracks in the walls, the main lighting circuit got damaged with some water and everything needs a fresh coat of paint, but my mum absolutely hates loud noises and having her privacy invaded, when next door had an extension on their roof she had a mental breakdown because of the noise, so having it inside the house would would be devastating to her mental health. So because the house needs so much work done to it I really don't have the motivation to clean up because it feels like 'what's the point the house is in such a dreadful condition it doesn't matter'.

She's also terrible with money too when she gets very depressed so she spends loads then gets into debt, and this is with me paying for all the bills so I highly doubt she would be able to pay for all the bills if she's on her own.

I'd absolutely love to go to university and get on with my life but I wouldn't be able to cope living at home while having the pressure of university. I'd also love to move out too but I just don't see how this is possible at all.

I love her dearly but with everything going on this is really affecting our relationship and I'm starting to feel really angry towards her.

I want to get on with my life, meet new people go to university and basically live my own life rather than being tied down it feels like. As horrible as it sounds it feels like I'm just waiting for her to die so I can get on with my life, I hate feeling like this but it feels like my only escape right now.

I know people will say to get out and everything else to escape, but HOW? I can't see a way at all, and if I do leave there's a high chance that she will commit suicide.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 2:15 pm
by Breezey
Hi Ben

There are options.
There is a way.

Whilst you are there looking after your mum, the authorities will leave you to it - for life.

Your mums diagnosis is key, you need to know if she will be better or if it is permanent and if it will get worse. If it won't get better then your mother needs carers. You can't do it because you work and you are going to uni and you are sorting the house out.

Whatever the prognosis, you need to be planning for university next year - not this year, you have a lot to sort out first and get yourself set straight and ready for it. Find your uni and course choices and what is required first - access course, foundation year etc.

The leaks and electricity need to be fixed, you will be having mould and ill health.

Friends, people are fickle, friendships can be fluid, some people are just passing through your life, you find out who your real friends are when the chips are down. But if or when you do go to uni, you will be making new friends there.

Have you had care need assessment for your mum and a carers need assessment for you?
If not ask for them.
If you have ask for a review on yours.
Tell them you are going to uni next year and tell them your concerns about your mums behaviours when you leave.

Your responses are normal, you are young and have a life and career to have.

Contact the helpline to pointed in the right directions.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 2:35 pm
by Breezey
Procrastination is the worst enemy.
The longer it is left the worse it gets and the worse you will feel and the less you will want to tackle it.
Don't be overwhelmed or defeatist, just do it - get the rooms tidied and cleaned up before you worry about the painting of walls.

Start with upstairs because when downstairs is done you might not be bothered about upstairs, but when upstairs is looking good, you will want the same downstairs!

Get your earphones on with your fave music or radio show or a talking book to lessen the boredom and make it feel better doing it.

Pick the easiest rooms first to get a sense of achievement and into the swing of it so you aren't overwhelmed and defeatist in the harder rooms.
Take hourly breaks or do one hour a day on one room.

Yes it will be tiring, it will be a long slog, there are better things you can be doing with your time, but this is worthwhile in the end because you will have that gremlin off your back and keep on top of it.

You are in charge but you know it can be done and it looks better.
You will feel better that it's no longer sitting on your shoulders to be done.

Then you won't have a last minute rush to clear it all before you go to uni.
This is part of your preparation if you get accepted on a course and your mum sorted out for her needs.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 3:00 pm
by Breezey
There is nothing worse than works being done next door that you know nothing about.
You have no idea when they will end and it feels never ending.
There is no control over when they make the noise.
So the noise and the time they're taking to do it seems louder and longer.
But it it's not forever, it will get done.

Hopefully the roof leak is a quick and simple job and you can have them do it on your day off.
Same with the electricity repair.
Not sure who responsible for those with it being your fathers house.

Having help in - carers, nurses is intrusive and impersonal.
But carers are trained to bear that in mind and the awkwardness of the intimate sides to care.
After a number of visits a rapport builds and confidence and trust in the carers.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 3:27 pm
by sunnydisposition
Hello & Welcome Ben

You do have a lot on your plate. Sorry to read of Mum's issues.

We are not totally responsible for others that is why we have organisations that help with care needs. Cleaning agencies sitting agencies etc etc.

You have a right to live your own life and have experiences unique to you. The fact you want to go to uni suggests you are looking for suggestions on how Mum can be supported when you are away. Note how I have written the sentence.

You need to start having conversations with Mum. Mum I'm going to uni next year we need to look for support for you. As has been mentioned Mum requires a needs assessment and you a carers assessment.

Within these assessments support can be started to support Mums and your needs now. And can be updated accordingly as things change. Most importantly Mum could have arranged respite so that work within the home could be carried out.
and if I do leave there's a high chance that she will commit suicide.
What has already happened for you to be thinking this way.
You are not responsible or to be held to account for what another person actions may or may not be.

What age is Mum? Does she currently receive any benefits related to her medical health needs.

I ask as you seem concerned Mum will not manage financially if you leave for uni. I think you may find she may will receive financial help.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 4:40 pm
by Breezey
I agree with Sunnydisposition, you cannot be and are not responsible for the actions of others.
And, you need to start the conversations about getting her the help she needs and reviews when required. Many people are reluctant to get help, too proud, too intrusive, but then the time comes they accept they can't manage and accept or welcome the help.

Focus on starting uni in Sept 23, that gives you a deadline, a focus on you and a future to look forward to and motivation to clear up the house and keep on top of it. .

Getting the help, care and benefits your mum needs is helping her, caring for her and setting her up for her independence.

Going forward with your life, moving to uni isn't the end, you still care about your mum, you still love her and you have given your mum her independence back.

If you are not receiving carers allowance and you qualify for it then have it going into a different account and save it towards uni - deposit on accommodation, travel there and buying books etc.
Beware that it is taxable against your earnings.

Start listening to BBC Radio 4 and any other intellectual radio stations to get your brain in tune and your vocabulary expanding again. Do it while sorting out the rooms in between having music on.

if you aren't reading books then start reading - novels in a few different sections, autobiographies and anything related to your chosen subject if applicable. Half an hour an evening, or in your lunchbreak if you are at a loose end.
That will get your brain flexing, the plot, characters, the twists and turns etc and the discreet bonus of rebooting your grammar and remembering what you've read the previous evenings

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 6:14 pm
by bowlingbun
Welcome to the forum,

There is no reason why you can't go to university. I finally studied for a degree when I was about 40, It was a special course for mature students, and although I had two young children at the time, one brain damaged, I loved studying again.

It takes planning, so why not plan how this is going to work for you.
Start by deciding which subject you want to study, and where. You can't go without a place!
Then ask for a reading list, and read as many of the first year books as possible, before the course starts.
You will find settling in so much easier knowing that you have prepared well.

You say the house is a tip. Start with your room or section of the house. You can't control mum's behaviour, but you are responsible for what you do yourself.
Are you taking pride in your own appearance? This will make you feel so much better, and is another way of preparing for life in the future.
At uni you will have to cook for yourself. Think about what equipment you will need.
Do you have your own TV, bed linen etc. etc.?
What skills do you need to learn?

I am concentrating on you, and you alone here, as you have your own life to lead, and need to finally break the apron strings which are strangling you. A bright new future is possible, but it will take courage.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 6:44 pm
by Breezey
I had forgotten about the reading list Bowlingbun
However, for engineering the text books would have been alien to me being some years out of school.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 7:51 pm
by bowlingbun
My course (1990) involved "Information Technology". I'd never touched a computer, but my RSA Grade 1 typing helped!
Then there was " Quantitive Techniques". I had no idea what that was. A bit like Statistics.
The lecturer despaired of us at times, but we despaired of his spelling!
On the other hand I had A level Economics, and loved HR and Law.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 12:14 am
by Breezey
The foundation year covered all aspects, computing, electronics, maths, manufacturing and engineering and you decided your course at the end so the reading list wasn't so prescribed.