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Carers UK Forum • Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out - Page 2
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Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 4:15 am
by Ben_2208
Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate the help.

You lot are completely right, I know in my head that my actions are my actions and her actions are her's and that I shouldn't feel tied down/guilty if she does do something, but as you lot more than likely know, that knowing something and emotions are two very different things.

My mum hasn't yet been diagnosed yet, currently on a 3 month plan for the supplements to work. She hasn't felt quite right for the past few years, but last year when she got the vaccines she got a lot worse within 3 hours, then felt gradually worse over the next few days and it wasn't until 3 or months later when she started to feel better, whether she caught covid or if she just reacted very badly to the vaccine I'm not sure, she's always reacted quite badly with vaccines throughout her life, along with other foreign objects such as stitches but never quite this badly. When she did start feeling better this is when next door had work done to their house for the next 6-9 months, during which she had a mental breakdown which left her almost catatonic, she didn't really feel many emotions at all and just kept going basically. Doctors were basically non existent throughout this ordeal and would not do a thing to help, just kept passing it off or blaming depression.

She's still mobile and get things done, going shopping etc just gets very tired very quickly and needs to have a sleep afterwards.its more to do with finances and mental health that I'm worried. Mental health I know in my head anyway I shouldn't be relied on. But with finances she's always been horrible and not being responsible, she's good 90% of the time but if something happened or she's just feeling really depressed then she doesn't care about money, maybe if she needed to be responsible she might change, idk. But if she starts to fall back on bills I don't want my dad to get screwed over either. Along with energy prices skyrocketing as well I don't even know if I can cope either living in a flat/shared house.

She currently gets basic universal benefits although I'm sure she's more than likely eligible for pip or other benefits options too, but she never bothers to try and do something about it even if I've found all the information. I don't believe I'm eligible for carers allowance as she's not completely disabled and can still do stuff for herself, along with me not caring for her 38 hours a week. At least I don't think I'm eligible anyway.

She's been trying to get help with her mental health but apart from group therapy there seems to be hardly anything around even in a decent size city. She tried group therapy but as it was more about talking about how you felt then immediately moved on to someone else she really didn't like the little interaction with others. Felt like opening yourself up to others and no connection is there at all. She's felt very frustrated with the lack of services here that it's just made her depression worse. She wants something where she can be slightly active or do something that she might find enjoyable rather than concentrating on the woes in her life without any proper tools on how to deal with it.

The repair of the house at least financially with be down to my dad fortunately and he doesn't mind at all. There's probably gonna hace to be a few bits under the roof that needs to be fixed as it's been leaking for quite a while and the wood might be a little rotten, I'm not too sure really.

I do try and use my brain, I'm always the one to problem solve things at work and home, I try not to use calculators and work stuff out in my head before trying it on the computer, along with helping people sort out computer issues. I do CAD/modeling work on the pc fairly often as well which would definitely help me in university. I'm not completely using my brain but I do try and keep it active.

My appearance is OK definitely not good though, with my depression, lack of friendships and where I don't really do much outside of work/home, I'd like to do more but with time, money and major motivation issues I just haven't really keeping up with my appearance, especially with hygiene wise as I constantly feel like 'what's the point nobody really cares about me so why should I use energy to do it'.

For my university I need to do quite a bit of research and ask people as well about certain aspects of it. I'd like to do mechanical engineering as I really enjoy working with my hands and designing stuff on the computer. I'd definitely be doing a foundation year as I've been away from school for so many years and even back then I didn't do too brilliantly, particularly my fault and I missed 2 years of schooling due to my health, but I did pass basically everything except English which might make getting into university a little harder. I also would like to one day move to Australia as I know a few people over there and I'm starting to feel more repulsed by the UK, this might be just be me wanting to escape as well. But to become a qualified engineer over there they want 4 years of university and as most universities in the UK are 3 years I have to figure out what would be the next plan.

I can cook just about although I get quite/very anxious about it with stuff maybe not cooking quite right, what foods to use etc. Most of this stems from when I was younger I had an eating disorder which made me not hungry (genetics and not mental health issue) so I feel quite repulsed by it truthfully, I eat more to survive rather than enjoying it. After years of battling the doctors and social services with my eating disorder my mum feels exactly the same as well.

I haven't actually had a TV in many years as I normally find the vast majority of programs quite mind numbing and boring to me, I do sometime watch stuff on my computer, but it's mostly YouTube I watch, some stuff is crap but entertaining, and I do watch some science stuff as well as that is quite fascinating too.

I may have accidentally missed some questions by accident, if I did and think they are relevant then just ask away again.

Thanks for listening to me.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 10:23 am
by bowlingbun
Mum's benefits need sorting out. I'm dismayed that she isn't getting PIP.

This is something you can help her with. See it as part of your "exit strategy".
Ask her if she would like you to help her? If she agrees, you can then apply to DWP to become her "appointee". Then you can manage her benefits on her behalf. Once everything has been applied for you, it won't involve any more work for you.

It will also mean that you can claim Carers Allowance. What have you been living on??

On the one hand you say you can't leave mum because of her ailments, on the other hand she needs you a lot and you always have to be available. This being "on call" counts towards the 35 hours.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 11:28 am
by Ben_2208
It's not so much she isn't getting pip but that she hasn't even attempted to get it, even when I handed all the information to her. She would definitely not be happy if I started trying to manage her benefits.

I currently work in retail full time, I'd like to move on and get a different job too but major motivation issues where I feel, what's the point I'm gonna have to live here all my life.

My mum most likely due to autism she really doesn't understand what drives people to try and get more money from different jobs. Basically feels like if you've got enough money now to live off of then what's the point in trying to get more money. While I know that she doesn't mean to but with her saying this all my life it has really reduced my drive to better myself, I know that at the end of the day I control my emotions and how I feel.

Good point with carers allowance, I might be allowed to do it due to shopping, house work and emotional support may add up to 35h but unsure.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 12:49 pm
by Aaron_Carers UK
Hi Ben

Thanks for sharing your challenges with the community. I just wanted to reply based on this part of your post:
Ben_2208 wrote:
Sun Aug 07, 2022 10:46 am
if I do leave there's a high chance that she will commit suicide.
It can be really challenging knowing that someone you care for may be suicidal, but there are some sources of help that you might want to look into:

https://www.thecalmzone.net

https://www.samaritans.org

https://giveusashout.org

https://www.mind.org.uk

As well as help in a crisis, Mind might operate local services that would be useful, given you've struggled a bit with help vis the GP.

Hope this information is useful and as always, the Forum and helpline (advice@carersuk.org) are here if you need anything.

All best wishes

Aaron

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 1:09 pm
by Aaron_Carers UK
Hello again

Just thought I'd link to our page and resources on Carers Allowance https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... -allowance

The requirement for your mum receiving a qualifying disability benefit might be a challenge - but could also be a way to encourage her to apply, so that you can receive what you're entitled to as a carer.

Best

Aaron

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 8:49 pm
by thara_22071
No advice but good luck.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2022 9:01 pm
by Breezey
Caring more than 35 hours a week - you care for your mother on your days off and from teatime to going to work in the morning. That's a lot of hours.
it does depend on your mum getting benefits and it is taxable against earnings.

Cooking - I meant you are able to feed yourself.

oh gosh that was a long time for the works on the house next door, it is enough to send anyone demented with the relentlessness of it, especially if there is no escape to work or other distractions.

Seriously start listening to BBC Radio 4 and do some reading. Radio 4 to get your brain used to dealing with subjects it doesn't know and reading to get you back into reading and into grammar. Both will help to reboot your vocabulary.

A degree is self directed learning.

There is a lot of research and reading and the dreaded dissertation to write in the final year, almost a book on your chosen subject/project.

Have a look at other options e.g
Ecology scientists could be ten a penny by then, overrun with them!
Marine biology/ecology? Its not for the seasick!

Get some prospectuses and take it from there.
Look at the course on the website, the overview and the course contents.

Re: Would like to carry on with my life but don't see a way out

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2022 1:40 am
by LordJeromiah
Hello Ben, I must say Oh my god... that is so uncanny. I will admit when I read the first sentence I thought it was MY own post from a few years ago! (i know, i now see you just posted this aug this year) but just that first sentence sound like MY LIFE! When I read the next sentence I knew it wasn't me but then I read the rest of it and I swear it's the exact thing I'm going throught apart from the fact that you have a proper go out to work job!
I personally am a carer for my mum, that IS my only job. I am technically an artist but I mainly get paid for being a carer for my mum by ways of carers allowance .
Just like you I have no friends or family members left that bother with us apart from my dad now about 3 times a year: my b-day, mum's b-day and christmas now.
Just like you mum also has no friends or family who bother with her so she literally has only ME in her life and she puts all the owness on me. meaning she constantly complains about how I barely ever see her and she's all on her own! I will admit I do sleep more and go out more now more than ever because
Just like you I have a messy cluttered house that really needs, not only a blooming good clean, but also it is in disrepair and is a huge house! (i don't know if your house is huge) but it's a lot of work for one person to do. I am expected to clean an entire big house all on my own. Mum won't accept me getting any help. She doesn't want people to come to the house and see the state it's in now because she is very houseproud. Before she became disabled she used to do it all and cleaned really well. she kept up with it really well but since she had developed walking and mobility difficulties she just couldn't do it anymore and expected me to do it because she didn't want strangers in.
Just like you I have absolutely no motivation to clean the house or try to declutter it because I wouldn't even know where to start and like you i think what's the point? coz even if I did clean it thered still be the mould and damp and all the disrepair.
I'm not sure you are like this but I pretty much stay up all night because its the only time I get to myself and then I get up late because not only have I stayed up all night but I also have no motivation to get up earlier than 3 pm because I know I only have a day of chores to look forward to!
Mum blames me for the messy house and thinks I should be superhuman like she was and keep it up. i would be happy to do that but it's too far gone now! It would be ALOT of work. IDK what to do with the stuff plus it's all covered in mould and damp..

Just like you I want to move out and have my own life. I'd like a partner and a house of my own in a nice country village.
Like you I know if I moved my mum may possibly commit suicide...
She has said if I leave home she'd disown me and throw all my stuff away and that's all too permanent for me.
She used to be a nice person but since her heart attack 5 years ago she's gotten more cranky and nasty and aggressive . She gets like that every time she gets "ill" in any way like last year we get a rat infestation and she got bad breathing problems and she get very aggressive and nearly stabbed me. she came at my face with scissors because i did the dinner too late. I got it all on film.

We have a lot in common and I'd like to be your friend... even if it's just online. If close enough I could be your IRL friend.