Hi,
I've been caring for my 94 year old Grandmother for over two years now. Her health has been progressively getting worse and it has become harder for me to cope.
I believe deep down I care about my Grandmother but she never was an easy person to love, she's always been cold was never very nice to my Dad and thinks Adolf Hitler was basically a good person. She also tried to murder my Grandad if that gives you some idea...
Anyway perhaps I am writing this to try and justify my feelings but in reality I know deep down that I don't love her and I am entirely fed up with caring for her. I am 28 now and I feel like I am wasting the best years of my life, fortunately my family are generous and are paying me more on top of my carers allowance and I am completing an access to university course while I am doing this, which has been difficult as my Grandmother can be very demanding and there are days where I get little time to myself.
To top it off I have been very lonely, especially with the covid lockdowns. I am been unable to see friends or pursue any kind of romantic relationship. This has left me frustrated and depressed. My Grandmother gets infections a lot which basically makes her go demented, when this happens she throws things such as her drinks. She bangs her table and shouts and she can say unpleasant things.
As her health worsened I've been fortuitous to get some support from the NHS in the form of daily visits from carers who are helping me with personal care since my Grandmother has now lost almost all mobility below her waist and I was beginning to get a bad back.
I've been experiencing real insomnia last night for example I barely slept, and was still dosing in bed at 7am when the carers arrived, unable to sleep. I feel my health is beginning to suffer and I have lain in bed at times wishing I had some way of disappearing, I've even had suicidal thoughts which I think are becoming less prolific now as my course comes to an end. (so could be linked to academic stress too). I'm just tired, frustrated, lonely and fed up. I'm not proud of my self pitying and I try and actively stop myself but there are times when I just want to wallow, but I cannot because I am reminded every few minutes by a yell or demand in the next room that I'll never have a peace of mind while I am staying here, and the cycle continues.
I guess I just wanted to vent. Thanks for taking the time to read this if you got this far.
Joe
I've been caring for my 94 year old Grandmother for over two years now. Her health has been progressively getting worse and it has become harder for me to cope.
I believe deep down I care about my Grandmother but she never was an easy person to love, she's always been cold was never very nice to my Dad and thinks Adolf Hitler was basically a good person. She also tried to murder my Grandad if that gives you some idea...
Anyway perhaps I am writing this to try and justify my feelings but in reality I know deep down that I don't love her and I am entirely fed up with caring for her. I am 28 now and I feel like I am wasting the best years of my life, fortunately my family are generous and are paying me more on top of my carers allowance and I am completing an access to university course while I am doing this, which has been difficult as my Grandmother can be very demanding and there are days where I get little time to myself.
To top it off I have been very lonely, especially with the covid lockdowns. I am been unable to see friends or pursue any kind of romantic relationship. This has left me frustrated and depressed. My Grandmother gets infections a lot which basically makes her go demented, when this happens she throws things such as her drinks. She bangs her table and shouts and she can say unpleasant things.
As her health worsened I've been fortuitous to get some support from the NHS in the form of daily visits from carers who are helping me with personal care since my Grandmother has now lost almost all mobility below her waist and I was beginning to get a bad back.
I've been experiencing real insomnia last night for example I barely slept, and was still dosing in bed at 7am when the carers arrived, unable to sleep. I feel my health is beginning to suffer and I have lain in bed at times wishing I had some way of disappearing, I've even had suicidal thoughts which I think are becoming less prolific now as my course comes to an end. (so could be linked to academic stress too). I'm just tired, frustrated, lonely and fed up. I'm not proud of my self pitying and I try and actively stop myself but there are times when I just want to wallow, but I cannot because I am reminded every few minutes by a yell or demand in the next room that I'll never have a peace of mind while I am staying here, and the cycle continues.
I guess I just wanted to vent. Thanks for taking the time to read this if you got this far.
Joe