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Partner not listening to advice - Carers UK Forum

Partner not listening to advice

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
Hello - this is my first time posting. I'm feeling really stuck but am really pleased this forum exists even just to vent to people who will understand.

I care for my partner (soon to be husband) - he is autistic and struggles with OCD, anxiety and depression. We both have regular therapy and speak with the doctors, but I don't feel like he's taking professional advice seriously. If I try to push the advice of therapists or doctor's, and he doesn't like it (i.e. going to see his parents makes him stressed due to contamination anxiety and taking his medication makes him stressed because he's worried he'll be addicted), then he tells me I have betrayed him because I'm the one he can depend on to support him. He always apologises for his outbursts and I understand it's difficult in the moment because he lives in this state of constant fear and frustration.
However, irrespective surely he should be following professional advice!

It feels like there are a million other things going on I could take about here - but any shared experiences or advice on being the carer but also the "enforcer"would be so helpful. I feel like I'm the only one who makes him feel truly loved and heard but then when I try to get him to follow advice, in his eyes I undermine that. I then worry about how alone he feels when he doesn't think I'm "on his side".

Thank you!
Hi Lydia

I don't have the answers to this, you have got a big task on your hands for sure.
Maybe he needs more processing time or there's a bee in his bonnet that is sticking
Some things will never be resolved, others take time or a very long time
Not feeling heard, listened to understood can make it far worse in the mind of a neurodiverse.
As an ASD I get his responses but I cannot give answers.

Are you aware of this website that could help you as well?
https://www.autism.org.uk/

There is a forum and a section for carers
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers
But reading/lurking in the adults section might help you have more insight too.
Welcome to the forum,

I find your post worrying, please be careful.
As an outsider, it sounds like he is treating you more as a carer than the love of his life, the person he cannot perceive living without.
You need to establish some "ground rules" about what your actions will be when he does things, i.e. talk to his parents.
If he is annoyed with you now, how is it going to be when you are married?
Breezey wrote:
Mon Aug 01, 2022 1:15 pm
Hi Lydia

I don't have the answers to this, you have got a big task on your hands for sure.
Maybe he needs more processing time or there's a bee in his bonnet that is sticking
Some things will never be resolved, others take time or a very long time
Not feeling heard, listened to understood can make it far worse in the mind of a neurodiverse.
As an ASD I get his responses but I cannot give answers.

Are you aware of this website that could help you as well?
https://www.autism.org.uk/

There is a forum and a section for carers
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers
But reading/lurking in the adults section might help you have more insight too.
Thanks so much for your reply, I really value insight from another ASD. I think you hit the nail on the head actually, there is a real lack of validation from his parents who essentially see him as "not autistic enough" to be struggling the way he is. Perhaps that bee in his bonnet is making it difficult to accept help. I so want him to feel heard and listened to, whilst I recognise I can't always understand, so I'll focus on that and try to let him do this in his own time and own way. Thanks again :)
bowlingbun wrote:
Mon Aug 01, 2022 7:28 pm
Welcome to the forum,

I find your post worrying, please be careful.
As an outsider, it sounds like he is treating you more as a carer than the love of his life, the person he cannot perceive living without.
You need to establish some "ground rules" about what your actions will be when he does things, i.e. talk to his parents.
If he is annoyed with you now, how is it going to be when you are married?
Thank you for your concern - we have been together for 8 years and whilst is a rollercoaster for us both, there is mutual love and respect. I think it's fair to say some days I am more of a carer and in less of a partnership than others. I am not concerned about the marriage, we have lived together 24/7 since day 1 (we were university flat mates) - I just want so what's best for him without losing myself, hence this forum is such a useful place to speak with other carers who love someone who can also be challenging! The idea of some ground rules is great, thank you again.
I tend to act as "Devil's Advocate" at times. It's great to hear you have been together for so long.