LordJeromiah wrote: ↑
Tue Aug 02, 2022 12:54 am
bowlingbun wrote: ↑
Mon Aug 01, 2022 6:57 am
A good parent would never ever want or expect their child to sacrifice their lives for them. Instead, they would want their child to live life to the full, reach all their goals, marry, and have kids.
It is the parent who should be feeling guilty, not the child.
A cluttered house and hoarding are signs of mental illness, anyone with a disability needs a clear and clutter free home. While you keep supporting mum, the problems will continue.
The only way things will change is by YOU taking charge in some way.
It took me and my two strong sons a YEAR to empty my mum's house! She ended up in a nursing home for the last year of her life.
Yes, i thought that should be the case, my mum has never wanted me to get married or have aboyfriend or any friends. Before I became her carer she wanted me to focus on getting a career before I got myself a man and make sure I had a stable income and savings before I even entertained a man. She didn't seem to approve of me dating or having boyfriends and when she did (as I managed to have 2 boyfriends which she discouraged) she was cool with my meeting with them but of course with her present as she never wanted me to be away from her incase she fell etc etc .Then because she deemed that I wasn't paying enough attention to her when the boyfriend was around, she became reluctant for me to meet them anymore. Eventually me and that boyfriend broke up because he was controlling and posessive and would shake his fist at me and start arguments almost every night via text or messenger (skype at the time). after that my mum was reluctant to meet up with anymore men with me so I didn't get to meet anyone for years, so i didn't have any friends or date anymore. i would get asked out and mum said i couldn't go on a date because it would lead to sex and she didn't want me to have sex.
I dated another guy in secret as he lived far away so we just had cam chats over skype. She told me I shouldn't agree to be with him. but i did anyway. I can date now. I have more free time since she broke her hip and i have to go out alone for the first time in my life but now nobody is interested in me and I don't know why. I have trouble maintaining any long term friendships or relationships.
my mum deems herself OCD so she claims its not her that cluttered the house up and messed it up and that it's me and although its partly true she does buy a lot of stuff that doesn't get used and most of it is big stuff and paperwork and boxes she keeps... she doesn't want me to get rid of any of it but somehow magically neated in all up even tho there is just so much of it that even when I try to do as she says and just put it in boxes and stack it up neatly it still looks a mess and there's no room to actually neated any of it up.
When I'm not sleeping or out shopping she is constantly asking me to do stuff when I'm home. Either chores, cleaning or getting her things like food or cups of tea. i don't even get free time at night as she's constantly asking for food and cups of tea or to reheat a cup of tea i already gave her.
I've been doing this for 10 years and it's taken its tole on me and I feel like I don't really have a life of my own or much free time and i wake up unenthusiastic to get up and do anything.
I haven't done many fun things in all these years.
I've sacrifieced my 20s never dated or had fun with friends like other young people get to do and still a virgin. most men only want me for sex and i don't want that so it's hard to find and it's not my mum's fault in that regard.
if I don't get a a boyfriend or a husband by the time im 35 imma have that sex change I've always wanted and live as a man and hope to goodness one day I get a wife. and then i can be cared for for once in my life. I feel like a virtuall slave and I want to be pampered for once
You are over 18, you can vote, marry, serve the country, have your own life.
Your self esteem has been eroded because your mother is using you as a carer, companion, slave and punchbag for her conditions and frustrations from them.
That is, for want of better words, terrible.
A man should treat and spoil you when called for and pamper you with a meal out or takeaway or some flowers. You are in a dangerous age group where most of the good men are taken and the ones available may not be quiet so free and are playing away from home or are single for a valid reason.
There will be a few good ones in that mix.
Build your self esteem, appreciate what is good in you and about you in a positive way for yourself.
Respect and value yourself - if you don't love yourself then it will be difficult for others to love you.
This is your life, none of your mothers business.
She is using coercive control to keep you there, like a period drama story where an old lady has a young companion at her side and is vile to her whilst reminding her how privileged she is to be there!
Just go out, no explanations, no discussion, no negotiations, just go out and do your thing, let her stew in her own juice about it. It's a need to know basis and she doesn't need to know.
That's a boundary set right there.
Take some control for yourself, it is empowering.
Be kind to yourself.
Be your own best friend and cheerleader.
Watch your self esteem build and maybe some confidence come.
Easier said from my keyboard than done in your life but I hope you can do that.