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Carers UK Forum • Never sought help until now - Page 3
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Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2022 1:45 pm
by Breezey
No I don't think anything one way or the other about your dating, it is your life, your choices.
I am trying to be supportive to you.
I had no idea of your age group preference, it was an observational comment.
There was no intention of any inference of you being doomed to that age group, that is what you read into it. I wish you success in finding a supportive wife, fulfilling, happy and forever relationship, don't settle for anything less.

Your frustrations and your want and passion for your own life are loud and clear.
You will know when you are ready.

To strike out on your own is a big thing, but you will know when you are ready, preparation, finding out about accommodation, jobs, benefits, cost of living etc. You have all of this in mind already, you have started considering it.

I appreciate it is difficult for you to get out, but could you do one morning or one afternoon a week volunteering at a charity shop? Not ideal because it isn't paid work, but you will build experience there of working, teamwork and work relationships and you will be able to get a reference for a job after a few months or so, that's if you can get out. You have a lot of transferable skills from your care duties and managing the home.

Yes going out is easier said than done for you. Try a walk around the block, say you need some air to clear your head/headache and disappear for half an hour. Face the music on your return with a deaf ear to the hot air spouting off at you for your audacity for needing a bit of exercise and fresh air. This is coercive control, imprisonment, it is toxic and you deserve so much more, not getting at you, not judging, just trying to give some empathy.

Mistakes - we all make mistakes with work and friends, it's uncomfortable and cringey and sometimes it can feel like the end of the world, but it is tomorrows fish and chip wrappers and someone else's mistake and blushes the next day. People understand and are forgiving, supportive where applicable. New people at work are supported in learning the job.
We all make mistakes it is called character building and life, it's all experience.

Your situation is wrong, you should not be trapped like this, like a prisoner and beholden to your mother for a roof over your head, you should be living your best life.

The main big stuff - pay your rent and bills, manage your money for food end expenses - you are savvy enough to do that, be wary of people who might take advantage - you are already, keep your own counsel - don't gossip, trust your gut instinct. Stating the obvious, you know all this I am sure, it isn't rocket science when you break it down into these elements.
People can be fickle. You find out who your friends are when the chips are down, that can be crushing at times but in a positive spin you know what's what then!

You are young, you can adapt to a new life, you have the advantage of knowing how you like things to be, you probably aren't so stuck in your ways. Through life I have had many major changes, adapting to the new, being flexible over circumstances and resilient as part of survival.

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2022 11:48 pm
by LordJeromiah
Breezey wrote:
Wed Aug 03, 2022 1:45 pm
No I don't think anything one way or the other about your dating, it is your life, your choices.
I am trying to be supportive to you.
I had no idea of your age group preference, it was an observational comment.
There was no intention of any inference of you being doomed to that age group, that is what you read into it. I wish you success in finding a supportive wife, fulfilling, happy and forever relationship, don't settle for anything less.

Your frustrations and your want and passion for your own life are loud and clear.
You will know when you are ready.

To strike out on your own is a big thing, but you will know when you are ready, preparation, finding out about accommodation, jobs, benefits, cost of living etc. You have all of this in mind already, you have started considering it.

I appreciate it is difficult for you to get out, but could you do one morning or one afternoon a week volunteering at a charity shop? Not ideal because it isn't paid work, but you will build experience there of working, teamwork and work relationships and you will be able to get a reference for a job after a few months or so, that's if you can get out. You have a lot of transferable skills from your care duties and managing the home.

Yes going out is easier said than done for you. Try a walk around the block, say you need some air to clear your head/headache and disappear for half an hour. Face the music on your return with a deaf ear to the hot air spouting off at you for your audacity for needing a bit of exercise and fresh air. This is coercive control, imprisonment, it is toxic and you deserve so much more, not getting at you, not judging, just trying to give some empathy.

Mistakes - we all make mistakes with work and friends, it's uncomfortable and cringey and sometimes it can feel like the end of the world, but it is tomorrows fish and chip wrappers and someone else's mistake and blushes the next day. People understand and are forgiving, supportive where applicable. New people at work are supported in learning the job.
We all make mistakes it is called character building and life, it's all experience.

Your situation is wrong, you should not be trapped like this, like a prisoner and beholden to your mother for a roof over your head, you should be living your best life.

The main big stuff - pay your rent and bills, manage your money for food end expenses - you are savvy enough to do that, be wary of people who might take advantage - you are already, keep your own counsel - don't gossip, trust your gut instinct. Stating the obvious, you know all this I am sure, it isn't rocket science when you break it down into these elements.
People can be fickle. You find out who your friends are when the chips are down, that can be crushing at times but in a positive spin you know what's what then!

You are young, you can adapt to a new life, you have the advantage of knowing how you like things to be, you probably aren't so stuck in your ways. Through life I have had many major changes, adapting to the new, being flexible over circumstances and resilient as part of survival.
Thank you for both your replied and also bowlingbun's as well!
So, do you think that for as long as I stay with mum and live the life I am now I'm just simply not going to get the things i want such as a relationship, and that my only option is leaving home?

You see, over the years all our family members and friends have abandoned us both or died and we find that I am all mum has. I am her one and only friend and family member. Our neighbours all hate us, it started with them all hating mum but now since I've grown up they hate me too. They don't bother with us. I get accused of things I didn't do and all of this hate is not justifiable either. So not only do I not have any friends or family members or relationship near me I am also isolated in my/our own neighbourhood. I've had to adapt alot to being a loner because I've always been the type that loves lots of people around, a nice big supportive loving family around me and lots of excitement and stuff going on around me! I had this as a kid but I've had to adjust to a mundane existance with no excitement other than the local hooligan kids coming and harassing us and trashing our property over the years. I am so used to it now and I do like my alone time. I even distance myself from mum alot. She often comments on how I am either in bed or going out.
I will admit I do go out ever other day and have done so for the past 3 years since mum broke her hip and then shortly after that covid happened, so she has stopped going out altogether. Now it's up to me to go out and get the groceries, so every other day I get a few bits we need and then do one big weekly shop at the local supermarket. I also stop in at the town between me and the supermarket but I do it in secret.
I've also started going swimming once a week also in secret. mum has caught me out recently as I can't keep stuff secret from her for long. she always knows.

Just recently I've had a friend tell me that our other mutual friend has the house to herself and that I should pack a bag and go stay with her for the week. I told him I can't. i asked mum anywhow, she confirmed that I can't. He insisted I packed a bag and that he was coming on saturday to pick me up (now the next day last weekend) and when I said no I can't he said "well just think about it and let me know by sunday and if yes I'll pick you up" I told him theres no thinking about it, I simply can't. I told him that if I was to go on holiday mum would say I can just stay away then... I was right and when I asked her she did say that if I left for this weeks stay away,I was not allowed to come back!

I will admit I at least know that if my mum ever kicked me out or I decided to leave I could stay with this friend. We have since fallen out with the male friend because he was trying to push me to do this and a bunch of stuff happened and his true colours came out and blamed me for everything. He even said that "wll you don't do as your mum wants you to do so no wonder you get yelled at " but before he sympathised and said my mum was abusive... and that I wasn't to blame. now he has changed his tune! Between him and mum apparently I am a terrible carer and "daughter"

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2022 8:58 am
by Breezey
You have said that is the case for you, that you do not, can not and will not be able to have your life while at your mothers, but since you are asking, it is your opinion that you can't and you are wary of leaving and supporting yourself and then you are loyal to your mum saying you are all she has got, you are contradicting yourself, it is a push-pull situation.

It is not for me to tell you what to do, the decision is yours to live your life whichever way you choose.
My responses are supportive of you, I am not a professional, just a member of this group seeing a toxic situation and saying it is wrong and you don't have to live like this, actually nobody should live like that.

You have said you are only allowed out for short trips to get groceries, seemingly there and straight back and that is the only way you are allowed out, that you do not have permission to go out. Now you are saying you go out every other day for groceries and then the big shop and you secretly stop off in a town on the way back and that you secretly go swimming.
You say that you want your own life, but you say you are the only person your mother has in life and You are all that she has got. Push-Pull of loyalty, coercive control, abuse and desire for freedom and frustrations of wanting your own life. Your mothers actions are her own doing.

People will only take refusal so many times before they give up and in some circumstances are angry about it. Glad to hear you have some friends. He thought he was looking out for you and doing you a good turn, he spoke with mutual friend to arrange this, was probably pleased and excited to help you and then had the disappointment of rejection. Upset and lashed out. People live within their own experiences. Your friend knows your situation is wrong and wanted to help you but doesn't have the full understanding of being in your shoes with your mother.

You need to report incidents with the police and have a case officer to deal with the damage.

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2022 1:43 am
by LordJeromiah
Breezey wrote:
Thu Aug 04, 2022 8:58 am
You have said that is the case for you, that you do not, can not and will not be able to have your life while at your mothers, but since you are asking, it is your opinion that you can't and you are wary of leaving and supporting yourself and then you are loyal to your mum saying you are all she has got, you are contradicting yourself, it is a push-pull situation.

It is not for me to tell you what to do, the decision is yours to live your life whichever way you choose.
My responses are supportive of you, I am not a professional, just a member of this group seeing a toxic situation and saying it is wrong and you don't have to live like this, actually nobody should live like that.

You have said you are only allowed out for short trips to get groceries, seemingly there and straight back and that is the only way you are allowed out, that you do not have permission to go out. Now you are saying you go out every other day for groceries and then the big shop and you secretly stop off in a town on the way back and that you secretly go swimming.
You say that you want your own life, but you say you are the only person your mother has in life and You are all that she has got. Push-Pull of loyalty, coercive control, abuse and desire for freedom and frustrations of wanting your own life. Your mothers actions are her own doing.

People will only take refusal so many times before they give up and in some circumstances are angry about it. Glad to hear you have some friends. He thought he was looking out for you and doing you a good turn, he spoke with mutual friend to arrange this, was probably pleased and excited to help you and then had the disappointment of rejection. Upset and lashed out. People live within their own experiences. Your friend knows your situation is wrong and wanted to help you but doesn't have the full understanding of being in your shoes with your mother.

You need to report incidents with the police and have a case officer to deal with the damage.
I never said I cannot and will not have a life whilst I'm at my mothers. I said I wondered if it was the reason a lot of things aren't going the way I wish them too. I fully believed that I could be a carer and still have a life it's just that my mum doesn't believe this to be true. She said to me "you can't have a life and be my carer. You have to choose and if you choose to have a life of your own, you have to move out". But I personally think this is bull... I think it is and should be possible for me to do both! It is possible it's just that she was always relentless and restricting me..

It is true that at one point I was only permitted to go out and whip to the local shops and come back ASAP, but I did start lengthening the times of how long I was out for until eventually I was going out every other day for half an hour, then an hour. I kind of did this gradually to push the boundary. I figured that if my mum wasn;t actively giving me permission to have a planned day out, every other day, every week or whatever that I would just take it myself and see how she took it. She did comment on it every now and then that I was out for an hour and it doesn't take an hour to go to the local shops, get what we need, and come home, it takes 10 minutes, 20 minutes tops if there's queues and its very busy or I have to go to more than one. But she never actually stopped me from going out for an hour. She did start to ask me what I did that took me an hour. I told her the truth, that I go to the co-op, got myself a pasty and a coffee from their hot food and drink machines, had a walk, sat on a bench, at and drank and observed my surroundings and then walked home (I walked to the park and back which is slightly further afield but not too far. it takes about an hour to go there, sit, eat and walk back) I'm like her in her youth and I love to walk!
Of course she doesn't believe me that that is what I do. She thinks I sneak around and secretly have lots of affairs with men and meet up with people... lol, i wish.... occassionally I meet up with the odd new person I met online but I always tell her about them. The meetups are perfectly innocent..
Before my mum fell and broke her hip, i was more under the thumb and only ever went out with her every week, twice a week if I was lucky, and then would go once to the local shops, just going there and coming straight back, occasionally walking around the block which all took 10 to 20 minutes. Since the hip break I've had more freedom. She's recently allowed me the privilege of going out for 5 hours one saturday a month, usually th 16ths or whichever day the nearest saturday lands on.
My only beef is that she expects me to do all the cooking and clean a big house all by myself. the house is cluttered and needs a bloody good clean but I just don't have much energy. I have only the energy to cook, make cups of teas, hoover and tidy up the kitchen.

I have my own dreams of starting my own animation business b ut I fear that needs time, effort, focus and it'd be divided between that and my being her carer

and my final beef is that she won't allow me even a short holiday, even one overnight stay somewhere else!

As for the friend he is now an enemy of our small friend group. The reason for this is because he started acting more and more frustrated like an "incel" .

I do appreciate your help advice and support. The reason why I contradict myself (seemingly) is because I am trying to give you all the whole picture of my situiation so that you can help me better understand and make a proper informed decision whether I should move out or stay and just become more hard working . moving out is a huge decision and I am unsure if it will be the best decision I ever made or the wrong one. I could end up missing mum terribly, living a life of poverty because I have 0 life/job skills/financial skills. I only know basic skills like how to cook and clean. I have f all clue how to manage finances or house or mortgage heck I don't know what one of those is. it has been explained to me several times but I don't know I guess I'm just dumb. I don't feel I'm smart enough to manage living on my own . i could be taken advantage of. I may have autism and ADHD and BPD which is taking forever for the doc to diagnose me with. I get overwhelmed very easily and if I move out and things go awry but have no mother to help me... I'll just go into a deep depression and have a melt down. i know i will

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2022 5:30 am
by bowlingbun
Read your post again and look at how mum controls your life. You are an adult and can do what you want. You do NOT have to account for where you go, who you see or meet in real life or online!
I would suggest that you have some counselling, hugely helpful for me when my own very disabled mum expected me to do lots for her even when I was very unwell.

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2022 9:44 am
by Breezey
Exactly what Bowlingbun said.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2022 2:05 pm
by Breezey
Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome?
You are not and should not be a hostage.

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2022 2:46 pm
by Breezey
Contact the Carers Helpline

They might be able to guide you where you can get guidance for staring on your own.

None of us can tell you that you can do it and you will be ok, we don't know you.
Your success will be down to you - apply yourself to life skills, have discipline for budgets.

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2022 2:59 pm
by bowlingbun
At the moment there are lots of jobs in my area (New Forest) available. Everywhere I go service seems to be slow due to lack of staff. Caravan parks are desperate for cleaners, coffee shops need waitresses etc. Whilst it might not be what you want to do long term, it would mean that you would be earning money.
Would I be correct in thinking you haven't been given any money for the caring you have been providing?

Re: Never sought help until now

Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2022 5:32 am
by LordJeromiah
bowlingbun wrote:
Fri Aug 05, 2022 2:59 pm
At the moment there are lots of jobs in my area (New Forest) available. Everywhere I go service seems to be slow due to lack of staff. Caravan parks are desperate for cleaners, coffee shops need waitresses etc. Whilst it might not be what you want to do long term, it would mean that you would be earning money.
Would I be correct in thinking you haven't been given any money for the caring you have been providing?
I do get carers allowance.. that is how mum got me.
Although I had already agreed to be her carer out of obligation, she told me I could get carers allowance and when I got it she said "ahh now you are getting paid for being my carer you HAVE to do everything i say and want, now, you have no choice" that sort of thing.
If I ever complained after that, she would say "well you can always stop being my carer but you'd have to give up carers allowance and you'd have no money coming in and you'd have to get a job, but who knows what job you'd do as you have no qualifications"
Thanks for that mum.