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Angry and annoyed at family members. - Carers UK Forum

Angry and annoyed at family members.

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
So the other day my father ( he has Parkinson’s and dementia) was rushed from a rehab facility into hospital by emergency ambulance due to vomiting ‘coffee grounds’. He was so close to coming home to. I was waiting in resus for 5 hours to see how he progressed and made sure he had me by his side. I felt so alone so tried to ring my auntie she said she was on the way be there no trouble but she didn’t turn up now was avoiding my calls got through to her today she put the phone down on me as soon as she heard my voice and blocked my number. Thankfully my dad is recovering now and there looking at getting him home soon. But i feel so alone and I feel so on edge and worried all the time feeling like I can’t relax like something is going to happen again or I’ll lose him ( even though his vitals are stable) for like two days I was in tears constantly, now I just feel so weird. im angry at the family cause it’s like they don’t care to see how me or my father is just argh it’s frustrating cause what can I do now?, I don’t want to bug them anymore but I’m finding it all so hard. The doctors also gave me an ‘end of life’ chat and what there saying is playing on my mind.

Thanks for reading just needed to vent :( .
Ruth
It is sad when families don't pull together, whether that through fear, selfishness or any other reason, but that doesn't mean you are all alone . There are many of us in here who can listen and help.

The first thing I think you need to do is realise that you can cope, your love for Dad shines through and with that you can do anything. Sadly, with his diagnoses he is likely to pass away and you do need to start preparing yourself for that. You can do things to help him and you through this sad time, but you cannot stop it nor heal him. You will feel sad but you will get through it, and the time after. Grieving may take a while but you can show Dad how much you love him by coming out the other side stronger, healthier and more confident.

Have you been to your doctor about the anxiety you are experiencing? There are several things that can help, some mild medication, some counselling perhaps?

I see you are just 28, how old is Dad?
Do you have work or friends to see so you get a break from the situation occasionally?
Remember if you need to talk to someone the Samaritans are there 24/7 on 116 123. I think they will be able to ease the build up of anxiousness you are experiencing.

You did the right thing reaching out. I am so sorry your Aunt let you down.
Xx
MrsA
Hi Ruth,
So sorry you had to go through this. You know that ‘coffee grounds’ means blood, don’t you? Did the doctors explain to you why he was vomiting blood which has been half digested in his stomach, which is why it looked like it did? Whatever the reason, it appears that they have stabilised him for now, but that unsettling chat from the Doctor isn’t good news.
I don’t know why auntie is behaving so badly. I doubt that it is you. Maybe there’s something in the past between her and your dad or between your dad and her husband that you don’t know about and they cannot forgive. Maybe they are just plain horribly selfish. You might never know the reason but this is the final proof that they will not help you or him. That’s a hard truth to swallow but you must put it aside now, forget them as if they never existed.
Another hard truth my dear is that dad probably hasn’t got long to live. I’m so sorry to be so blunt. Now you have to concentrate on how you are going to manage until the inevitable happens. Do you think perhaps that having him home, if they will let him home again, isn’t the best for either of you right now? It sounds as if he needs 24 /7 nursing care now. You cannot possibly provide that all on your own.
You have to decide, do you want Dad home again? In that case I hope other members here, who are much more ‘up to speed’ than I am will tell you how to get all the help you need now. More than the carers. Continuous Health Care is surely a possibility but I am not knowledgeable.
If you decide that it would be better if dad was looked after by a team of people in a place where you could visit, spend all day if you wanted to, then there are things do to make that happen. To start with you tell them he can’t come home because you cannot meet all his needs, even with the current care package.
Your duty is to make sure dad is looked after but also to look after yourself. You are important too. Never forget that.
KR
Ruth, you are very young to be dealing with this, so be kind to yourself, and feel proud of what you can do for dad, not guilty about what you cannot do.

Forget about the family now, they are apparently always going to disappoint you.

My mum was 87 when she died, she spent the last year in a nursing home, to frail to live at home. She needed a TEAM of carers round the clock, as your dad does now. Of course no one wants to see a relative move into residential care, it's not a sign that the carer can't be bothered or doesn't care. It means that someone needs that TEAM.
My mum had been housebound for years, even when dad was alive he worked away from home a lot, so I did everything she needed then, although I also had a son with learning difficulties to look after too.
It was a huge relief to know that I was not fully responsible for her any more, although I still had to empty and sell her house.

Does dad own his home, or rent it. This is a REALLY important question.
Has he made a will?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Do you now have control of his finances?
Is he receiving Attendance Allowance?
Claiming exemption from Council Tax due to his dementia?
Have you ever made final arrangements for anyone after they have died?

Please tell us what worries you most, and feel free to ask us about anything at all, most of us have already faced the loss of a parent. Do NOT bury your head in the sand and think dad is going to live forever when he is so poorly, however tempting it seems.

Is there a hospice in your area? If so, they might be able to support you, each one seems to work slightly differently.
Hi Ruth,

I'm a similar age to you (26) and it's my Gran that is my Caree (she has Motor Neuron Disease, which is in the Parkinson's 'Family'). I felt compelled to reply to you because I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in what you're going through- I have family members that are never there when they're really needed, too. A week and a half ago, Gran was admitted to hospital with suspected pneumonia and I was the one who had to rush to the hospital to be there for her- none of the other family members came to sit with her in A&E and even find out what was wrong. They are all much older than I am, yet I am the one who has to do all the 'adult things'. It shouldn't be us doing these things, but it is and we have to deal with it.

However, when both of our respective relatives pass away from their conditions, we will take great pride and comfort in the knowledge that we were there for them when everyone else wasn't. From then on, absolutely forget about all the other family members that never helped and that weren't there- they can fend for themselves and, should a wave of grief ever hit them and they want to reach out to you for anything (i.e. a shoulder to cry on or anything like that), tell them to naff off!

It's a long, horrible, grief-ridden road we're travelling down- there is no happy ending. However, the one thing we can take from it is that we will know that we are the better people at the end of it. Our carees know we're doing everything we can for them and they are grateful for it (though sometimes it's us they inevitably lash-out at, at times).

Muster all your strength for the next few months and really take care of yourself as much as you can. It's going to be so hard, but you'll come out the other side and, eventually, you'll begin to smile again :)