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I don't want to provide care anymore - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I don't want to provide care anymore

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
Always remember that a parent has absolutely no right to any support from an adult child.
Does this mean that supporting an adult child will or should be sanctioned ?
Parents of a child under 18 are expected to look after their children. Once they reach 18 this does not apply.
Bowlingbun is absolutely right. The legal basis is that the law makes it plain that parents are responsible for their child's wellbeing, and this is always interpreted that parents have a duty of care. It's often used as a "reason" to deny parents assistance in caring.

However, parents are also entirely responsible for their child's learning, and yet schools are provided. "Responsible for" does not mean you have to do it all.

Once the child turns 18, they become an adult. When that happens, there is no duty of care placed on any individual, other than what they decide. No one can coerce you. This is enshrined in law, at least for now.
Sharon_22021234 wrote:
Sun May 29, 2022 12:37 am
What a terrible situation you are in.

Once caring for a loved one starts to effect your own mental state of mind, it’s time to let go and let the professionals deal with it. Once you notify them of your withdrawal they have a responsibility of care for your mother.

We all have one life and you need to make the most of it. Selfish as it may sound, we as the sons and daughters of mothers and father’s were not put on this earth to solely take care of them in their later life.
We give as much as we can and help them the best we can, but if they are becoming selfish and not being considerate of your needs then you must let go as a career and become a loving daughter again and then and only then will the resentment go away. Stick by your decision trust me the professionals will have no choice but to get involved.

Take care of you
im in this same boat whereby i have sacrificed my entire youth to become a carer for my mum and as a result i get not much social life or dating life and I've not gotten to travel or go on holiday since I was a kid. I'm now 31 and still single and isolated. I only get to go to the local shops as my going out time and sleeping are my only time off. My mum expects me to do everything for her and with no help. she wont get another carer in to relieve me even tho she says I'm a crap carer anyway. she wont have a stranger look after her. it makes it very difficult. she even keeps telling me that one day her problems will get worse and I'll have to do even more for her and she still wont let me get help. Shes akways complaining and criticising everything I do and says I can't have a life of my own AND be her carer, I've got to choose, but if I choose not to do it anymore I know she will feel betrayed and she will just disown me. what shall i do
You are not a child any more, but an adult. Mum has no right to ANY of your time. You don't have to do what she wants. Google Coercive Control and Narcissistic personality. YOU choose what you want to do, and what you won't. If mum doesn't want carers in, it does NOT mean you do it instead. You have a right to a life of your own. Sadly, we have had others in your position who I have urged to escape.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sun Jul 31, 2022 9:11 am
You are not a child any more, but an adult. Mum has no right to ANY of your time. You don't have to do what she wants. Google Coercive Control and Narcissistic personality. YOU choose what you want to do, and what you won't. If mum doesn't want carers in, it does NOT mean you do it instead. You have a right to a life of your own. Sadly, we have had others in your position who I have urged to escape.
Hello, thank you for understanding.
Here is an update for you: i have a friend who recently offered me to share her home if I want it. If things become too difficult with mum and she goes off the rails again like she did back last years and a little bit this year when she had severe breathing problems due to a rat infestation and she became very very aggressive and almost physical with me.

Yes, her breathing difficulties made her so frustrated and angry to ME as if the rat problem was my fault that she actually would get up, chase me and one time came at my face with scissors. It was her very first time doing anything like that it was scary. She started getting in my face, grabbing my arms and shaking me as she yelled and screamed inches from my face (that last bit happened a few years ago but the scissors thing happened last year the day before or after my birthday on the 16th june 2021) It was so scary that whenever she gets angry I have to move well away from her.

I actually got that incident on camera because I was livestreaming on youtube at the time. My viewers were shocked, especially my 3 friends who saw it, nobody else who watched seemed bothered at all. was honestly expecting a visit from the police because one of my viewers were concerned and called them.

I was relieved the police didn't come as if they did mum would question me as to how the police knew this happened and would go ballistic if she knew I was recording.

She didn't even seem that angry at the time and she came around me and then in my face with scissors. I should probably have left at that point but had nowhere to go and wasn't aware mum was being abusive. I figured she was so frustrated with me because I did dinner late. It made her breathing problems worse if I made dinner late as she kept yelling at me. So that is my fault I guess. She was the one who didn't want to poison the rats though. She expected me to get rid of them some other way which I did and clearly it didn't work. After she finally agreed to my poisoning them, she blamed me and said I should've poisoned them ages ago when they first invaded the house! Well duh, but she wouldn't let me kill them! I only did as she asked. She said I should've disobeyed her. I'm like what? If I disobey her, she would get angry at me for that, so what the hell am I supposed to do? I agree she was right, I should've gone behind her back and just bought poison and kill the damn things. They've ruined our house.

Anyway so the most recent thing that happened was that I had a discussion with my mum and it somehow got onto the subject of my being transgender and she told me that if I'm going to be changing myself and transitioning I can just move out then, she doesn't want a weirdo living in the house with me, she said. I never said I would fully transition because I knew she wouldn't like that plus I'm terrified of surgery and permanent body alterations just incase I ever regretted it for whatever reason. I've felt this way (trans male) since I was 11 and I'm 31 and haven't changed my mind apart from brief experimenting with going back to living as my assigned gender.

Anyway I told mum fine then if you want me to move out, I will. She wasn't expecting me to agree to it and later when it sank in, she started warning me of all the stuff I'd have to know (usually scare mongering) about moving out, such as having no money when I got my carers allowance taken off me. I informed her I could get other benefits. She said I couldn't get a job because I have no qualifications. She's right and I wouldn't want to get a full time demanding job as that would just replace the one I already got and would be escaping from!
She asked me where I'd live, I said my friend in wales offered me her place. She said "well she'll soon get sick of you when she finds out how lazy and useless you are" I told her she doesn't care... she would happily look after me and she also has a mother who normally does all the cleaning and the cooking and another "lazy arse" living there (the dad who literally does nothing but play on his computer) as she calls me.
She then started ranting and raving about how she'd have to learn how to take care of herself and do all of the chores (like cooking, cleaning, getting cups of tea, snacks, putting bins out, washing pots, washing and so on) all with her breathing problems and disabilities (she can walk and do stuff but struggles with pain, stiffness and breathing problems due to aspirin allergy and salicylates ) I said that she doesn't have to struggle alone, she can get carers in. She said carers only come in once a week or day and she needs full time care. I was sure she could get that and with a professional carer which I am not. I am crap at it, as she says, because I was not trained nor is it what I want to do... no offence but for me personally its like being a servant and that is just not for me.
a friend confirmed full time care was available for those who need it and do not wish to be put in a care home.
I told my mum this and she acted dumb like she didn't know why i was saying this. I reminded her of the conversation we had. Clearly she was hoping I was still bluffing about moving out, even tho it was her idea!.
When I said this she went ballistic again and started doing stuff herself that I'd normally do all the while making passive aggressive, snarky and sarcastic comments about how I'm abandoning her knowing she is disabled, in ill health and have nobody else in her life to help her or for company. guilt trip city.
Anyway I ended up saying "I won't move out then, I'll stay if you want, but I still want a holiday for a week or at least 3 or 4 days away with my friend in wales." she calmed down and begrudgingly said "right" and went quiet. She said "a break from what??? you sleep for 12 hours and go out every other day " I said that may be but I still have to wake up to chores and my whole day is about chores and being yelled at, I may go out but I still have to come home after an hour or so to chores and being yelled at, i need a proper break, for days!" She said "Oh I see so you mean you want a break from ME"
I said
"you, the house, the chores, the area, the neighbours" everything! Just to see what it's like away from here and being your full time carer!" she really resents me wanting a break. She thinks my outings every other day is enough. I've been doing this for a decade with no holiday or official break apart from her version of a break which is my going out for only an hour and getting a decent nights sleep... that doesn't count does it? So you see. I can't move out OR have a break without her making me feel guilty about it. I'm not even sure if my friend is serious about putting me up. I know she is serious about letting me live with her family if I get kicked out or came at with scissors again and I'm scared.
At 31 years old you are a grown adult, others your age had supportive parents enabling them to achieve their goals or they had the passion and determination and got off their backsides and went out and worked hard and achieved their goals, they weren't held back by a gaslighting controlling mother. There are some grandmothers at your age or a few years later if they had early starts with having babies.

Think about what your mother was doing at your age and remind her of that, give her some perspectives that you are no longer her child, you are an adult with your own mind and desires for life.

It seems to be a contradiction of herself that she's so helpless and then can attack you with scissors.
She might not be as helpless as she has you believe she is.

Life is out there for the taking, it is up to you to leave and take it.
If you don't want her left high and dry, leave a few days groceries and the social services number.
She will probably survive when she admits to herself that you have gone and she needs carers.

There is no magic wand to wave, it is down to you to take charge of your life and destiny and move out.