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What help is available for a carer - Carers UK Forum

What help is available for a carer

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
Hi, so I am just writing on here about a specific need I have.

I have been living with my partner at his parents home for the last six months. His parents have decided they want to downsize their property and that means they want me to move out eventually.

Unfortunately for me I have a very specific phobia and mental health problems that literally prevent me from living alone. Ever since they said they wanted me to move out I have been having intense panic attacks. My partner has witnesses those, my symptoms are worsening. I have tried to talk to people but unfortunately they just say about adapting. I just do not think I can and the cost of living will out have a huge impact.

The only option I may have is moving back home, but here is the worst part. My mum has extreme mental health problems causing all sorts of problems. She literally needs someone to do everything for her. I was depressed at her home and unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to go out without her. She also would not be alone under any circumstances. I know there is a pattern here, but I assure you hers is worse. My fears stem from not being able to cope and not talking to people.

Due to the circumstance, I think I may have to return there as it doesn’t cause as much panic as living alone.

Anyway, I am just waiting for two referrals one is for a unrelated health condition and the other is for mental health services. Both referrals are important and upon returning I know I will need to put my health needs first, and I wonder how I can do that.

I am still very young and underpaid so the thought of living alone is not some thing I can handle and we’ll I just don’t have what it takes. This is the third time I have been met with these circumstances and everytime it is the same.

I just want to know what help there is for me in terms of effectively becoming a carer once again. There are some things I can handle ironically my mums finances, but on the other hand I can’t deal with her behaviour. Whilst I have been at my partners house I have been swimming to counteract some difficulties with my health. Again with mum I will not be able to do that.

I am just wondering if there is any help available for me.
Hi Coolcar

Sorry to hear that they are downsizing but you have some time to find out about help before you have to make a decision to return home which should be a last resort.

First of all, phone the Carers UK helpline in the morning.
If your appointments are sooner rather than later you can discuss with them too.

Carers UK information and support
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm

Well how is your mum coping on her own without you now?
Does that not prove that she can do it?
She cannot keep you indoors that is effectively to hold you hostage in the home to be with her, that is illegal. You are a grown adult in a free country and can make your own choices about your freedom and going out.

I have no knowledge about your conditions or how to advise you other than to say phone the helpline and discuss with your support professionals your options for yourself.
I don't know if shared house would be an option for you and it is pot luck for the others in the house and the turnover of them but it is a thought that you could explore and discuss with your professionals.

Don't delay, you have time but don't sleepwalk into a last minute rush.
It may take years for people to downsize - I speak from experience - and the housing market has got worse now. Obviously you need to try to find a solution, but let's hope you can stay where you are for a while.
Coolcar,
I remember what a huge leap for you to leave home (your Mum's place) and how living with and caring for her was seriously affecting your health.

When your boyfriend's parents downsize (which could take a while) where will your boyfriend live? Could you find somewhere to rent together?

If that's not a option - then look for a room in a shared house or a scheme such as https://homeshareuk.org so that your aren't living alone.

There is nothing worse that thinking about a problem and doing nothing/ feeling powerless to change it - being proactive takes a lot of effort but just knowing you are tackling the issue feels more empowering. You can do this - you found the inner strength to leave your Mum's.

Keep us posted and we will encourage you along the way.

Melly1
Hello Coolcar,

To be honest, I don't think that it would be a good idea for you to move back in with your Mum.

Have you thought about you and your partner finding somewhere to live by yourselves? Have you thought about applying for social housing, as your own health condition might mean that you would be eligible for social housing?

I really hope that you get the situation sorted out.
Eibhlinn99 wrote:
Sun Nov 06, 2022 12:26 pm
Hello Coolcar,

To be honest, I don't think that it would be a good idea for you to move back in with your Mum.

Have you thought about you and your partner finding somewhere to live by yourselves? Have you thought about applying for social housing, as your own health condition might mean that you would be eligible for social housing?

I really hope that you get the situation sorted out.

Hi. Thanks for your response.

Unfortunately I am in a position where his parents want to sell up and move to a bungalow based on his mums health conditions. He thinks he needs to help his mum and since her disease will be terminal he wants to be around her as much as possible. Though he can still see me. I kind of wished I could go with them.

I do believe I have a health condition with my mental health too aswell as pcos. I know pcos is not a bad condition and very adaptable with the right treatment. I am thinking about applying for pip based on my mental health.

I went to see my mum today and unfortunately she is in a very bad way. I kind of realised at that point in her state I cannot move back into that home. She was very agressive towards me and by the end was threatening to kill herself. He also told me and my sister to leave, we did and called an ambulance. We don’t know the outcome.

She was just not my mum anymore. She was different and a wreck. Much more than when I left. I have been ringing social services and the mental health team for the last six months but they haven’t done anything. Apparently no capacity or assessments have been done either.

My sister also told me that many of my mums friends have been contacting her concerned. A lot of people have rung social services. Also mum continues to drive her friends away as they cannot deal with her state right now. No one can.

Apparently she was taken into a therapy centre the other day but she refused to be treated and opted to leave and go to the pub instead. She was probably taken there by an ambulance again today.

I am very concerned really. I will be making yet another call to social services.

The house, my former home is a wreck with items everywhere. She has lost so much weight yet no one does anything. I don’t know what to do
Melly1 wrote:
Sun Nov 06, 2022 11:59 am
Coolcar,
I remember what a huge leap for you to leave home (your Mum's place) and how living with and caring for her was seriously affecting your health.

When your boyfriend's parents downsize (which could take a while) where will your boyfriend live? Could you find somewhere to rent together?

If that's not a option - then look for a room in a shared house or a scheme such as https://homeshareuk.org so that your aren't living alone.

There is nothing worse that thinking about a problem and doing nothing/ feeling powerless to change it - being proactive takes a lot of effort but just knowing you are tackling the issue feels more empowering. You can do this - you found the inner strength to leave your Mum's.

Keep us posted and we will encourage you along the way.

Melly1
Thanks for your response I replied to another person with a similar thing.

Unfortunately he wants to stay with his parents to be with his mum because she has a condition which will be terminal in the coming years. The move is also to help her. Unfortunately there is not space for me though I would like there to be.

I do suffer from anxiety and my biggest fears stem from feeling alone. Whilst I can enjoy my own company, the thought of having a day where I have been on iwn at work (which sometimes happens) and going home and not talking to anyone scares me. I also fear finances and money management unfortunately I don’t nessisarily want to leave my job because it’s in a position I strived for. Finding similar sources of employment are very hard at the moment with limited positions.

I also have anxiety issues and don’t have the greatest self confidence. I am thinking about applying to pip to see if it will help.


The biggest thing about losing my dad was because it wasn’t like loosing a parent but both, only now my remaining parent needs so much support.
Perhaps because of your upbringing, you don't want to live alone.
I think you NEED to get over this, with the help of counselling.
Then perhaps for the first time ever, you can take control of your life, and live it your way.
If you stayed with boyfriend with an ill mum, then you would end up caring for her, and the same if you go back to your own mum. You KNOW tat would be a disaster!
You don't have to stay in all the time in your own home, you could come and go as you please - when did you ever do this?
Join an evening class, a social group, go on coach trips.
After I was widowed I read a book called "Starting Again" by Sarah Litvinoff, published by Relate. Initially written for someone who is recently separated or divorced, it looks at how things used to be for the reader, and how they would like to be in the future.
Not how to fill your time aimlessly, but doing things you REALLY want to do.
I found this very difficult at first, especially as I fell in love at 16, married at 19. We were each others "other half" we worked together, played together.
The book is usually on ebay, it's easy to read.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sun Nov 06, 2022 4:35 pm
Perhaps because of your upbringing, you don't want to live alone.
I think you NEED to get over this, with the help of counselling.
Then perhaps for the first time ever, you can take control of your life, and live it your way.
If you stayed with boyfriend with an ill mum, then you would end up caring for her, and the same if you go back to your own mum. You KNOW tat would be a disaster!
You don't have to stay in all the time in your own home, you could come and go as you please - when did you ever do this?
Join an evening class, a social group, go on coach trips.
After I was widowed I read a book called "Starting Again" by Sarah Litvinoff, published by Relate. Initially written for someone who is recently separated or divorced, it looks at how things used to be for the reader, and how they would like to be in the future.
Not how to fill your time aimlessly, but doing things you REALLY want to do.
I found this very difficult at first, especially as I fell in love at 16, married at 19. We were each others "other half" we worked together, played together.
The book is usually on ebay, it's easy to read.
Thanks. I suppose this it too. I have never been away from home for long. His mum has needs but she is very self capable, my mother isn’t.

Twice already I have tried to move out, and in the end I couldn’t. I first did when I first when to uni in 2017 aged 20. I lasted 2 weeks in accommodation. I suppose a major factor was also money as I was living in my home town still. I just realised it went from £90 per week rent to £15 per week bus pass. The second time I tried to go to Salford uni to do a masters degree, my heart was set on it. I was accepted and worked hard to save up for it. When it came to it. I couldn’t go I was having panic attacks and was too scared. I opted to attend my old uni in my home town doing a similar but not the same course. Soon after Dad was also diagnosed with cancer so it would have been a challenge anyway.

I’ve been in hotels on my own and I am fine. I have also been travelling alone, yet I am just not comfortable living alone. I suppose it occurs that my money only stretches so far, and I am on the minimum wage.

My partners parents have opted to still support me and will accept me into their new home, they said the support would have to be a two way process. I get her needs but I know she will be fighting till the end. My mother won’t fight at all.

Deep down all I want is one of two things; a space with my partner, or a space with my mum barring she gets help.

To see mum like that earlier was not nice and she was not the woman I know. She was easily agressive, not the laughing joking woman I once knew.

Have you got any experience with social services not helping and what you did?
I've been caring for over 40 years. A lot of the time battling with Social Services!
If they think there is a family member around, then they give very little support.
Maybe you and your boyfriend should set up home together?
You are obviously very intelligent, I'm sure with some good counselling your life would be transformed. Mine was.