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I am so very confused. - Carers UK Forum

I am so very confused.

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
Hi- I'm new to the forum. I am eighteen years old, and am currently caring for my Mum, who has CPTSD, due to a traumatic childhood and adult life, BPD and several other conditions (I do not currently know what else).
Mum is not in need of physical help (other than chores around the house), but needs constant moral support and encouragement. For example, when her best friend moved, and her then boyfriend was working out of the country, Mum moved my previously abusive and manipulative Dad back into the house, just so she might have some company. Whilst my Dad is no longer abusive, he is the reason she was sectioned in around 2008. She remained in hospital for eight years after this. Thus, she was deprived of watching my brother and I grow into young adults.Due to this, Mum constantly treats me like a child, does not listen to my advice and often overshares regarding her past. Whilst I understand that everyone needs t share, perhaps some more than others, I often feel physically sick when she insists on describing her past to me, I feel guilty in telling her to stop sharing with me, so instead I listen. I feel that, since she has come out of hospital, I have heard more than a young adult should hear (let alone a ten year old, when she initially left hospital). I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but I just want to get all of these confusing feelings off of my chest.
Mum complains when I eat in my room (because I don't like how the sitting room smells, due to untoilet trained dogs), and 'isolate' myself in my room, with my boyfriend. I feel that, after a 9-5 shift, I should not have to feel forced to interact,, despite feeling that Mum needs it. Thus, when isolating myself for respite etc, Mum sits downstairs and talks about how much I've changed with my brother. She says unsavoury, opinionated things about me (and has once told me she resents my boyfriend for taking me away so much) and the two collude over how they might force me to improve. Perhaps that is the wrong type of wording, but I really feel like I am losing myself sometimes. When they do confront me, it is to demand more time with me, cry about how useless she feels (despite my reassurance) and (I think) to make herself feel like she is the right one, and the adult in control of the situation. She also constantly guilt trips me into going to family days with her (despite having told me in years previous, that her adopted family is abusive), and makes me feel absolutely terrible for telling the dogs off when they bark non-stop. She says they are just protecting her.
Mum pushes her problems onto my brother: she is constantly self diagnosing him with her therapy books and it really worries me, She occasionally snaps at the dogs, after they've been barking for hours.The dogs often bark through the night, and I have constantly get up to tell them off, or to let them out to go to the toilet. Thus, I am extremely tired at my apprenticeship each morning.

Mum makes me feel bad,and I would like to move out to live with my boyfriend of several years. However, she constantly tells me that she and my brother will be forced into a smaller house, somewhere else, if I moved out. HOWEVER, I am not satisfied with ,my living facilities (box room, constantly blocked utilities and mouldy bathroom, brother eats the majority of food shopping withing the first two days of the week). I have previously offered to pay my mum for rent,but she has refused, as she does not have to pay rent herself, I have asked if I can have a small cupboard in the kitchen, so that I might buy my own food and she would not have to worry. Unfortunately, she thinks she has OCD and thus will not allow this. I am not ungrateful for the food bought for us, by her boyfriend, but am slightly sore over the fact that she will not allow me to help pay, or at least store my own food in a separate place.

I finished school in June, 2017 and started my Customer Service Apprenticeship four days after.
I am now eight months into my apprenticeship, and have just been informed that I will need to pay rent for our council house, from the date of my eighteenth birthday to now.This is because the council do not consider my apprenticeship to be full-time education, as my contract states that I must work 38 hours a week (more than the amount the council require), and do not go to college (my assessor comes to visit me instead).I told Mum several months ago that, should I start [paying rent, I would rather move out into my own place. She insisted she would sort it, and as she is my Mum, I trusted her. Now, I think she is extremely overwhelmed. The rent amounts to a lump sum of just over £400 (July to March), and then around £100 each month after that. I am happy to pay the monthly sum until I find a new place to live, but am very stressed over the lump sum, as I am currently trying to start saving money (to move out and continue driving lessons). Mum is also very stressed, as she thinks that she is being threatened. Her telephone phobia is growing worse, and, whenever her Care Coordinator calls to make an appointment, Mum cannot pick up the phone as it is an unknown number. Mum also refuses to call back when the Care Coordinator leaves a message. have now taken responsibility of this, and have to set up appointment for her.
I do not want to live with my mum, nor do I want to be her carer. However, my brother is only sixteen, and doctors say he may have some form of depression. Obviously, my mum cannot rely on him for the moral and emotional support she needs. I feel that, if I leave her, she will lean on the wrong people for support (ie my Dad). Her Care team are supposedly useless, although I would not know, as I have not yet interacted with anyone.

I do not wish for her to suffer, I do not wish to come off as selfish- but I am. I've been writing this for thirty minutes now, and it probably makes no sense, but I think this is all my feelings summed up. Whether you are commenting to help, or simply let me know that I'm very stuck up and selfish, I would appreciate your opinions, to help me figure out what's happening.
Move out as soon as possible.

To be honest, her behaviour towards you comes across as very abusive. You need to move out to protect yourself. Leave your mother and brother to sort themselves out. I'm amazed you have tolerated so much and done so well. The premises is unhygenic and your mother an emotional vampire.

Just go.
You sound like one of the most UNSELFISH young people I have ever met! You have helped and put up with emotional abuse for long enough. Time to think of yourself, your own needs and health, physical and emotional.
At 18,you should be enjoying life, both work and play.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Plenty to fell sad about.
Others will be along to advise you on practicalities.
Please please think of yourself now, and let the authority try to help your mother.
thank you for your prompt, caring and intuitive replies. i will be focusing on moving out once i have sorted the rent lump sum issue (who can i talk to about this? so that i might either gain more understanding or solve this problem. neither my mum or i have the money at hand, and it is due on the 1st March)

ps. apologies, not certain as to how to reply to initial replies, so i hope people see this
Hi Emily, welcome to the forum. First of all you are a lovely girl, despite a difficult childhood, and I wish you all the best for your future. We can help you.
I'll deal with the rent issue first. Mum is the tenant of the property, and it is ultimately her responsibility, not yours, to pay any rent.
I'm no expert on Housing Benefit, that is administered by the council. Whilst you would be automatically exempt I think if you were a student or apprentice, you can still have your share of the rent reduced depending on your income and expenditure. I suggest you go to the council office yourself (make an appointment first) take details of your income and expenditure, by taking about 3 months of bank statements. Also take some photo ID. They should do a financial assessment on your ability to pay any rent. I can't see that it would be the full amount, unless you are very well paid!
Come back here whenever you want, we will do our very best to support you. There is no future for you in mum's place.
Please think seriously about your current relationship. In a crisis it's easy to grab the first hand that reaches out to us. Allow yourself time to grow, be happy before committing yourself long term to anyone, or having your own family.
i am sorry i cant give any practical advice,but i can relate to sooo much with what u said,im 25 and caring for my gran,and have to contsantly give moral support and cheer her up because she feels her kids dont care and had to be exposed to stuff i didnt need to as a kid ,i am scared to move because of how she is,heck even feel guliy for writing that down, the psycological side to caring can be hell,i wish u all the best,i wished i had the mentally u do when i was 18,maybe move nearby so u can check up on her,yr bro can ring u if somthing serious goes down,there doesnt have to be absolutes in this,go live a good live u really do deserve it.