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Carers UK Forum • Feeling the guilt or not wanting to care anymore
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Feeling the guilt or not wanting to care anymore

Posted: Wed May 05, 2021 12:41 pm
by Katherine_2105
Mum has severe bipolar and is physically disabled (uses a Zimmer) Early 2020 she was discharged home from a section 3. She has carers 3 x a day.
Mum has always had bipolar so I have always cared for her to an extent growing up as a child. Childhood was rough.
My studies as a teen were effected and I ended up dropping out of uni due to caring commitments.
I am now 30, I work full time, I am back at uni part time, completing what I once started.
The past 2 years it has been full on.
I just feel now I don't want to do it anymore.
I never feel free. I want to prioritise my work and studies without feeling guilt or being under constant time pressure. I want to be able to socialise, have the headspace to be able to consider dating / relationships. Every time I even consider this, something happens which makes me emotionally unavailable. I feel is I carry on caring I'm not going to be able to live the life I desire.

I feel so selfish saying all of this but I just don't know what to do.

Re: Feeling the guilt or not wanting to care anymore

Posted: Wed May 05, 2021 2:49 pm
by sunnydisposition
I feel so selfish saying all of this but I just don't know what to do.
You are allowed to feel this way. It's absolutely fine! You have got to this point because you have reach the end of the road.

There is plenty of help available is just knowing where to start.

Mum's age? Mum needs to have an up to date needs assessment and you an up to date carer's assessment.

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... assessment

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... assessment

The current care hours need increasing.

What would you like to do leave home and live independently. Has there ever been any discussions on residential care.

Re: Feeling the guilt or not wanting to care anymore

Posted: Wed May 05, 2021 5:09 pm
by bowlingbun
Why feel guilty when you've been caring for so long???
You have done more than enough already. You have a right to a life of your own, to realising your dreams.

Re: Feeling the guilt or not wanting to care anymore

Posted: Wed May 05, 2021 6:26 pm
by bowlingbun
Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Mum is, you are, I am.
The only power mum has over you is the power you let her have.
Imagine you had moved to Australia, or were ill yourself.
Somehow, she would have to manage.
Suitable support would have to be arranged. There would be no choice.
Mum has a choice, residential care or sheltered housing, carers or residential care.
She cannot and should not be allowed to tell you what to do, now you are an adult.
Enjoy your young life, don't do things that you will regret later.

Re: Feeling the guilt or not wanting to care anymore

Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 12:24 am
by Anivad319
I feel like I need to empathise with you Katherine. I came on here about my concern for my son but your situation is close to my heart. My mother has always had a mental health condition and growing up was difficult. I'm middle aged now and my mum moved to be near my sister 20 years ago.
My sister feels like you, she hates herself for feeling resentful but knows that comes with it.
I understand the feeling of having to care for your mother even when you know you should have a free life of your own.
The way we have tried to cope is changing our thinking when we're strong enough to reminding ourselves of different cultures, who unconditionally look after their parents until the end. Thinking like this can maybe change your perspective to empower you. Instead of feeling downtrodden, you are the strong one! You are keeping it together and doing a remarkable duty! You gave up the drink!
Slowly try to do more of your YOUR things your way.
Hope this helps. Family matters are the most complex sometimes, love, guilt, remorse, worry. Love yourself too.
Think I've just helped myself too!
Take care best wishes.

Re: Feeling the guilt or not wanting to care anymore

Posted: Wed May 12, 2021 3:26 pm
by Allen_2003
Katherine,

It sounds like a really difificult situation. I am in a similar situation with my eldest daugher who has borderline personality disroder and previously looking after my mum who suffered from bi-polar. The guilt of not supporting them and leaving the house can be totally overwhleming. Over the years I have created my own ways to deal with it. Firslty, I talk to my friends and family about what is going on and get their support when to even pop in when I am away. I have joined a number of carer support groups in my area which has really helped. Laslty. and the biggest bit if advice I can give you is to recognise you have your own life and you are not being selfish by focusing on yourself, when you have done so much to support those around you. Let your mum and your family and friends know how you feel if you can.

Allen