New member, young carer of 25

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
Hi,

I’ve been caring for my mum since 2016. Was age 22 when she started to need help. I’m now 25, I live at home with her as her primary carer. She recently got access to carers and has them 3x a day ontop of my help. Her health declined after my sister passed away. She has mobility issues, depression and anxiety. I too struggle with anxiety which I try my best to manage and have recently overcome depression. Not inclined to depression as tend to fight off the feeling out of sheer determination towards not wanting to feel defeated.

I have siblings much older than I but neither take much responsibility for my mothers care. I feel resentful a lot of the time as I feel they can undermine my feelings an awful lot. I have a few close friends and a 5 year relationship with a great man but it’s awfully hard to get non carers to understand how it feels. I also study therapy but taking a year out to focus on getting my mum back on track after a very long hospital stay.

That being said, I’m looking for real friendships with other young people like myself! Id love to chat on the phone or by email if we get along well. Aside from my responsibilities, I am a fun loving, soft hearted girl who really lives off her sense of humour. I have an adorable dog, love music, books, art, walking, movies and YouTube.

Please reach out to me if you feel the same, I would love to hear more about this community.

Take care,
Claire
Claire,

We may be able to help a bit to give you back the life you deserve. There is a fine line between depression and being utterly hacked off with a situation. If you are fine when away from mum then you are definitely hacked off. You DESERVE a partner, children, a life of your own, and we may be able to help. Too many of us here have been in similar situations!!

To start with, it would help if you could give us answers to a few quick questions, to help us give the best advice.

How old is mum?
Does she own her home?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No)
What happened to dad?
Do you have any other brothers and sisters?

What does mum expect you to do for her?
bowlingbun wrote:
Mon Nov 05, 2018 9:07 am
Claire,

We may be able to help a bit to give you back the life you deserve. There is a fine line between depression and being utterly hacked off with a situation. If you are fine when away from mum then you are definitely hacked off. You DESERVE a partner, children, a life of your own, and we may be able to help. Too many of us here have been in similar situations!!

To start with, it would help if you could give us answers to a few quick questions, to help us give the best advice.

How old is mum?
Does she own her home?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No)
What happened to dad?
Do you have any other brothers and sisters?

What does mum expect you to do for her?
Hi, thanks so much for replying.

She’s 67
Yes
No
Divorced and remarried
I do, they don’t help much
Personal care, meals, lifting, emotional support

P.s. can we make this post private? Not sure how to do it.
Claire, hi again - I'm wondering if the mods would 'unite' your posts?

However, from what you say here, it sounds like the 'big problem' for your mum is actually the depression and anxiety, rather than the mobility problems (what is causing them)(I've asked on your other thread).

I'm wondering whether your mum wouldn't actually be happier in 'supported accommodation' maybe? Where she has lots of 'other people' around her, to 'take the load' off yourself??


If I said to you bluntly - how long do you think this current set up will last if you do nothing about it, what would your answer be?

If you are 25, she presumably is in middle age only (though you mention older siblings). My point is, alas, sigh, that the situation could potentially last 'until she dies'.......

How old will YOU be then?

Emotionally needy parents are VERY hard to 'manage' - we love them to pieces, but they 'need' so much from us.....very, very hard. I was torn in two by my parents, and in the end I chose 'my life' (with my partner). But to this day I feel bad about not doing more for them. So, so sad.
Hi Claire, if that's your real name, just change it to a "nom de plume".
Your replies were really helpful.

If mum owns her home, but has less than £23,000 in savings, then Social Services should be contributing towards the cost of her care after a financial assessment.
If she now has carers three times a day, then THEY should be providing the personal care, meal preparation etc, not you. Is she "saving up" jobs for you? My mum did this. On the verge of a breakdown, newly widowed, seriously disabled myself, I had counselling to help me manage her expectations. Absolutely life changing, at 60, I was still being a dutiful little girl. Counselling showed me I was letting her control my life. Once I learned how to take control, things were much better.

The most worrying bit of your last post was "lifting". When and why are you lifting her?
There are too many of us here with damaged backs.
When did mum last have an occupational therapy assessment?

We know all about absent siblings here, we call them "Helicopters". Drop in, tell us what more we should be doing, then fly off again.
Do you realise that by being the sacrificial lamb you are protecting their inheritance from mum's house?!?!
You have every bit as much right to a life of your own as they do, it's worth fighting for. Don't expect anything from them, or you will be eternally disappointed. They will only take an interest when the inheritance is being shared out!!
bowlingbun wrote:
Mon Nov 05, 2018 10:59 am
Hi Claire, if that's your real name, just change it to a "nom de plume".
Your replies were really helpful.

If mum owns her home, but has less than £23,000 in savings, then Social Services should be contributing towards the cost of her care after a financial assessment.
If she now has carers three times a day, then THEY should be providing the personal care, meal preparation etc, not you. Is she "saving up" jobs for you? My mum did this. On the verge of a breakdown, newly widowed, seriously disabled myself, I had counselling to help me manage her expectations. Absolutely life changing, at 60, I was still being a dutiful little girl. Counselling showed me I was letting her control my life. Once I learned how to take control, things were much better.

The most worrying bit of your last post was "lifting". When and why are you lifting her?
There are too many of us here with damaged backs.
When did mum last have an occupational therapy assessment?

We know all about absent siblings here, we call them "Helicopters". Drop in, tell us what more we should be doing, then fly off again.
Do you realise that by being the sacrificial lamb you are protecting their inheritance from mum's house?!?!
You have every bit as much right to a life of your own as they do, it's worth fighting for. Don't expect anything from them, or you will be eternally disappointed. They will only take an interest when the inheritance is being shared out!!

Thank you I will change my name.

My siblings are kind hearted but lack practical know how of what needs to be done. I tend to stay calmer in crises with mum and don’t panic, they get upset/argue/worry and it doesn’t get the job done.

She falls in the night and I have to get her up. Mainly happened when she rolls over in her bed and slips out due to muscle wastage. Have spoken to social worker today about getting a bed rail this morning, should be done soon.

Yes there’s certiain jobs the carers simply don’t do eg. Washing up, household duties, packing washing up. Etc. I might have to speak to them! You’re actually very right...
Clare, if mum falls at night, do NOT pick her up. Ring the Ambulance service, it is part of their job.

However, it highlights to me just how disabled mum is. Does she have a hospital bed to help her sit up?
It's very sad that someone the same age as me is so disabled, but it does make me feel that with you being there it allows her to bury her head in the sand about her level of need.

Without you, would she need residential care?
bowlingbun wrote:
Mon Nov 05, 2018 11:55 am
Clare, if mum falls at night, do NOT pick her up. Ring the Ambulance service, it is part of their job.

However, it highlights to me just how disabled mum is. Does she have a hospital bed to help her sit up?
It's very sad that someone the same age as me is so disabled, but it does make me feel that with you being there it allows her to bury her head in the sand about her level of need.

Without you, would she need residential care?
Thank you I’ll remember that. She’s in the process of getting a link line whichll Male things a whole lot better. Did call ambulance last week as she fell and was unable to pick her up due to angle of the fall.

She would be suitable for residential care however I would never opt for this as mums mental state is in tip tip condition; not dementing, confused etc. Would never put her into a home.

Have thought about drawing up a plan for carers to help me with daily tasks so I stop feeling overwhelmed. Going to write a list of things I can’t do/don’t have time to do while I work, or spend time with my boyfriend.
It's good to hear that your relationship with mum is so positive, and that she wants you to get on in life, and you don't want her to move into residential care. Not always the case.

So now you have to look at making everything as streamlined as possible. I was forced to do this after a car accident, wish I'd done it years ago!

Does mum have a dishwasher and tumble dryer? Top priorities
Does mum need anything ironing? Replace with non iron items.
Is the garden easy to look after, or is it full of borders. If so, get rid of them! Then get a gardener to mow the lawn.
Do the carers always leave her bedroom clean, tidy, and clutter free. If not, MUM must take control. She is paying towards the carers, and has a RIGHT to expect them to do everything properly.
If the carers leave your kitchen untidy, take a photo and send to their manager.
Do they have a list of tasks from their manager? If not, give one to the manager, then it is HER responsibility, not yours, to make sure they are all done. (This is part of your new "management" role. It's NOT YOUR JOB, it's theirs!) Get her to return a signed copy to you if possible - to go in the carers file.
Do they always stay for the allocated time? Mum is paying them, and has a right to this.

I appreciate that mum isn't feeling 100% after your sister's death, but neither are you.
Does mum feel she has to accept whatever the carers say or do?
There is no need for the carers to "understand" how you are feeling etc. they are there to care for mum, not comment about you!

How often does mum have visitors, or get out and about in a wheelchair or mobility scooter?
Does she own one?
Can she use it on her own?
Does she belong to any clubs or societies for company?
Does she have any hobbies?
Use a computer?
Hi Claire,

I’m very new here and have just read your post and I feel like there are some areas that I can really relate to you. For example, I’m 22 and also care for a parent, I don’t have any emotional support either and I would also like to connect with people on here.
As I say, I’ve just joined and posted my first topic, if you’d like maybe you can read it and if you feel like you can relate to me too perhaps we can speak further? https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... nely-35126

Our situations are still of course very different and honestly I can’t offer a huge amount of advice because I feel very “in the dark” at the moment, but I can be someone to reach out to/ offload to and hopefully relate if you ever need it.

Hannah x