Feeling guilty

[Laura_20041]

Hi everyone,

Its been a while since i've been here but im struggling again, my friend suggested i come here and talk.
I look after my nan, im her full-time carer, i live with her monday-friday and i try to go home at weekends.
She has battled 2 different cancers and come out the other side, however there is always that scare. She has Chrones Disease, her kidneys are failing and multiple other smaller things.

The reason im strugging and feeling guilty is because i went out with a friend today. I havent seen any of my friends in months because she doesnt like it, but when i came home she was so angry that i'd been out. I hadn't been out all day and id checked in numerous times. I understand she's having troubles of her own but im not a verbal punching bag either.

Most nights im too terrified to go to sleep until the early hours because she threatens suicide if she isnt happy. I've tried talking to her and offered to get her some mental health help and i get a right ear bashing for even suggesting it.

Im slowly giving up here and with another lockdown on the way i don't get to go home and see my family, so im here for the next month.

I guess i just need to vent or get some adivce, a bit of both would be nice though.

[sunnydisposition]

Hello Laura and welcome

I look after my nan, im her full-time carer

What age are you?

Laura are you the only family member who can look after your Nan. Although you Nan has has a lot to deal with she has not right to treat you in this way. How long have you been her carer and when did things change.

The reason im strugging and feeling guilty is because i went out with a friend today

You have every right to see speak and met who ever you like. Nan could have a personal alarm when you go out.

https://www.which.co.uk/later-life-care ... bn15v6qmgq

You would not need to keep checking as she could use the pendent for assistance/ emergency help. And if she didn't use it that means she was OK to wait for your return.

As we are going into lock down. I would be inclined to get a pendant organised. So you can leave the home for me time walks.

[bowlingbun]

She is the one who should be feeling guilty. She is so lucky to have you!

Please start recording her verbal abuse on the phone. Walk out o the room stop whatever you are doing when she does this. Take an hour off every day for daily exercise, as instructed by the government. Read up about "coersive control".

[Laura_20041]

Good morning everyone.

Im 28 years old and I gave up my job etc to help her out.
My uncle lives here with us but he's about as useful as a chocolate teapot! He lives here because it's free for him, and it makes me angry that he takes advantage like this.
I am the only one that can help her, she has 5 children and none of them want to help, it's silly that it's her grandchild looking after her I think!

I'm feeling a little more human today however I'm still getting the silent treatment from her for a reason I don't know as she won't talk to me, so we sit in silence all day.

[bowlingbun]

Laura, you need to get out of this situation.

It is COMPLETELY untrue to say that you are the "only one" who can care for nan.

This is no way for a young woman like yourself to live. You should be meeting your friends, working, meeting a partner, getting married, having a home of your own, having babies.
Instead, you are a virtual prisoner with an ungrateful nan and uncle.

We can help you find a way out, but first need a bit more information.
Start making an Escape Plan now.

How old is nan? What does she NEED (not want) help with?
Does she have any disability, or dementia?
Does she own or rent her home?
Have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No)
Claim Attendance Allowance?

Are you claiming Carers Allowance?
Do the family pay you anything?

[Denis_1610]

Hello, Laura. It would also help if you could tell us how old your uncle is. If he is over 60 this could affect what would happen to the family home if a decision were to be made for Nan to go into care.

There are a few options here; would you like also to respond to Bowlingbun's check list and we can then perhaps help you to narrow down the options.

[bowlingbun]

Laura, it's OK to disagree with any posts here, they are hopefully part of a conversation you have never had before about your own right to live a happy and fulfilled life, realising your own dreams.
I'm now 69, widowed when I was 54.
Looking back I realise how much of myself I gave to others, leaving nothing for myself.
I used to be fit, happy, adventurous, worked in the outback of Australia, had a road racing motor bike I rode in hot pants and a midriff top. I would swim 20 lengths each lunchtime and then go to the beach in the evening.
We returned to the UK in 1976, three years later my son was brain damaged when he was born, and life changed forever.
By that time mum was virtually housebound, and I cared for her for almost 40 years. She lived 6 miles away, dad was a leading scientist and often working abroad, so mum was mainly my responsibility, even then.
She didn't want anyone else, only me, like every other parent.
How I wish I'd put my foot down then. It's too late for all those things I was going to do "one day".
Don't let this happen to you.

Let us help you, before it's too late for you.

[Beth_20111]

Laura you are an Angel! There are other people to help they should be pitching in. You deserve to live your own life! Nobody is going to thank you for taking all the responsibility yourself!
You are allowed to put yourself first.