[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
Done before I truely start - Carers UK Forum

Done before I truely start

A place for those 18-35 to chat about all things caring.
33 years old and on the 2nd of October my mum of 54 was taken into hospital with a stroke. She was in the hospital for a month at which time I and her partner looked after her house, 3 dogs, 2 cats, rabbit and guinea pig. The routine was simple enough, up, feeding pills, visit hospital, come home and sleep. Didn't have much of a social life as it was due to a mixture of depression/introverted tendencies.
Before she went in, i was a visitor once a week as she lives out in a rural area that is somewhat isolating. Also while we had a good bond she was in possession of a legendary temper and had various ailments and illnesses which meant she was on PiP and ESA already.
She was discharged to home care on the 26th of October under the premise that I would be being her full time carer, a fact not discussed with me in the slightest but at the moment of me finding out, I could hardly tell her no. She wanted to come home.
Ever since, when she has good days she is normal and pleasant, but when even the slightest portion of tiredness kicks in its like a knife fight with every breath, if someone else has done wrong such as an appointment missed or other such, its me in the wrong. If the dogs pass gas, it suddenly becomes that I'm not tidying the house to her standard. If an occupational therapist doesn't have the part to sort her bed, its that I haven't badgered them enough.
My mothers partner is at work or university every day bar weekends and my sister has a full time job with kids so neither are a constant presence, the latter completely absent bar one night a weekend where she says nothing.
I'm being told that I have to move into my mothers full time when she gets a new place to continue the routine, to make it easier on her finances by adding universal credit so she can get a better place. Another fact explained to me rather than discussed. I might even look on it favourably if I was allowed out of the house for more than weekends, but I'm not even allowed to make a GP appointment to discuss rapidly mounting depression (my mother believes in neither antidepressants or therapy and doesn't want me to have them, when broached on the subject saying it will help to balance my mind and help her, I was yelled at not to try blackmailing her).
I'm at the end of my tether this evening after being informed that I shouldn't have been around as it would have meant she could have gone to rehab, the fact she refused it for home care cannot cross her mind.

This said, I adore my mother, I understand she is not well/suffers from sensory flooding on a daily basis and has got a lot of frustration at her lack of independence. But I'm pretty sure if I continue I'm going to end up cracking like an egg or doing something stupid like walking away and leaving her without the care she needs.
I'm pretty confident the family are not able to care for her or afford additional people (considering she doesn't want people "lookin through her things and stealing" I would think she doesn't want others herself) so its me or bust, to top it off, her friend has started sending internet researched lists about what she should be receiving (45 minutes occupational therapy, 45 minutes speech therapy, 45 minutes physiotherapy daily among other things) which has led to even more fingers being pointed at me stating how crap I am.

I'm at a loss and pretty sure I'm in either a constant anxiety attack or repressed anger. What do I do?
The only power she has over you is the power you let her have. DOnN'T care for her. Before she left hospital she should have had a thorough assessment, and you should have been involved. If mum can't afford to pay carers then she can have a financial assessment. You are being used and abused.
While I understand the statement, I can't just not care for her, there's nothing in place to continue on after me and no one able to be there if I am not. The power that exists is because I am the only option and the alternative is I walk out one day and never return, leaving her to fend for herself when on some days she has trouble using a spoon or chewing. She and the rest of my family know I won't do that.
Are there any alternatives? I've looked into home care costs and they are unaffordable on an hourly basis, she has to have pills 4 times a day at specific times (if they are early or later than how the hospital did them, she will become confused and angry) and 4 visits a night, not including lunch times, would set me back way beyond what JSA can pay for.
Adam, there are a wide range of options to consider. Financially, your are NOT responsible for funding the care mum needs. If mum has under about £23,000 in savings, then the local Authority (through Social Services) or the NHS (through NHS Continuing Healthcare) can arrange AND PAY FOR that care.
Learn to play act a bit. Walk away as if forever and social services are immediately on the back foot. They don't know if it's just a ploy to get things sorted. They will suddenly become very amenable to sorting things out so they don't have to provide full time care. They have as much duty of care to you as a carer as they do to your mother. Make sure they know that you know that. Think through what you really want and stand up for yourself - or get a social worker to stand up for you. Good luck and best wishes.
PS I remember my partner's friend telling me all the extra things he said I needed to do when my partner was apparently dying in intensive care. I don't know who these people are that treat carers like that but I really understand how horrible that feels when you're already trying to deal with more than you can cope with. Since you obviously have internet access perhaps you could contact an online gp or get a local gp to come and visit you. Or corner your mother's gp if he/she visits often. They are supposed to make a special effort for carers. Flu vaccine could be a good cover story for your mother. They're given free to carers and encouraged and this is the right time of year for them. Try to get them to see that you won't have time for cbt, not to mention the waiting lists. If not how about using district nurses, OTs or whoever else you have contact with to help you.

Ignore any suggestions you don't like but I hope something in here helps even if it's only the fact someone else is listening to you. I often find a good friend on the other end of a phone line, either to sound off to or to take your mind off things by talking about something else is one of the more successful short term solutions. If you find posting on the forum helps then that might be a good route too.
The advantage of this forum is that you can get a whole range of ideas, and then pick the ones that suit you most. (I was told to apply this principle as far as "bringing up baby" was concerned!)
Many of us have "helicopter" relatives who only drop in, usually without warning, then they tell us what MORE we should be doing, only to fly off to be seen...who knows when!
My brother usually visited the UK once or twice a year at most, but still gave me the benefit of his advice!!!
Fnd ways of turning things round, by saying "would you like to come and try that with mum when I take a break"?!

You haven't said what the partner (presumably not your dad?) is doing to help? Is he just opting out?
Who is telling you that you must do this?
Adam, if you went under a bus tomorrow, a solution of sorts would be found for your mum. So that's why you do NOT have to do what she wants, or whatever anyone else wants.

You MUST have a life of your own.

Can you leave where you live now, and move far, far away?!

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER. Above all, do not.

Sorry, her partner can give up his job, whatever whatever, to look after his partner. What on EARTH makes her partner think he can use YOU? Disgraceful!

YOUR LIFE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT - it's MORE important because you are younger, and have had less of it than your mum has had.

You MUST find the strength of mind to stand up to her, and everyone who is trying to USE YOU for THEIR convenience!

YOU ARE NOT THEIR SLAVE. They are ALL being selfish and manipulative.
Whatever else you do, don't agree to move in with your mum. Once you've lost your own place, you could find yourself trapped. Remain a non live-in carer, by all means, but nothing more. By the sound of it, if you're in this state currently, then you're already a risk in terms of your depression getting worse. At the very least, I'd suggest talking to your GP. Have you had a carer's assessment? If you break down, they'll all sort something out for your mum. Your power in this, with the system, is that they'll do whatever they can to avoid having to care full time for your mum. They'll assume you'll do stuff unless you say 'no'.

It's worth checking whether there's a carers' organisation in your area you could attend, if you wanted to. That would give you the chance to share these very real pressures and frustrations would others who know and understand. We all feel them! Your GP would know if there's such a group.

And why on earth are you ending up doing this? How did your mum's partner push you into that position?