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Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 7:31 pm
by stacey _1705
Thank you henrietta.and everything jenny said opened my eyes.its good to re read it there.when you never hear of advice like that you dont know no different to what your doing but this valueable advice from an outsider really guides you.

Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 7:44 pm
by jenny lucas
Stacey, I think that is perhaps one of the worst aspects of young caring (apart from the 'daily prison' of caring). ie, that the people who 'should' be your 'parents' (ie, older, wiser, looking out for you etc etc) are the very ones YOU have to care for.

So not only do young carers 'gain' a 'care burden' they also LOSE the 'parenting from an elder' that they SHOULD have.

It's a double negative in their lives.

It's so odd, talking about my own mum makes me remember an incident where, when I was in my early twenties, I was living at home (all a bit grim, couldn't get a job, didn't know what I wanted to do with my life), my father had heart disease, and one day it all just got to me. I sat at the kitchen table and started sobbing.

And mum found me and for the first time that I can remember she went into 'mum mode' - ie, gave ME emotional comfort. I remember it so vividly BECAUSE it was so rare that she GAVE, instead of only 'received'.....

(Again, I really don't want to 'over-diss' her, because she was very very loving and 'devoted' to us, just that she never did the 'maternal emotional care' bit for us once we were adult)

Back to you, though - in a way, I often think of this forum as being largely a 'collection of aunties' (!) as most of us are female, and most of us are middle aged at the least!

And because there is a large cumulative 'life experience' amongst us all, hopefully we can help validate things that are complicated and 'under-represented' in the lives of those like you, who have 'care responsibilities' that, ideally, no young person should have.

Hoping you are enjoying your life more now!

All the best, Jenny

Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:36 pm
by sunnydisposition
Victoria_170612 wrote:I'm new to the forum but I'm Vicky and I'm 25. I've been a full time carer for my parents for just over 2 years. I've lost the few friends I had because I have no time and no money to go out and socialise with them. I'm single and have been since I split up with my ex 2 years ago. I am so lonely all the time because the only people I ever see are my parents and their doctors. I don't have the time or money to go out and meet people and I just feel so isolated. I'd love to get married and have children one day but I feel like my life is passing me by and I'll end up old and alone.
Hi Victoria and welcome.
It absolutely OK to feel the way you do! Have you been able to join any carer support groups in your area?
As with many of us carers are circle of friends do change. There are many reasons. Lack of understanding the carer role etc. It's like changing jobs or new career. Are you able to leave you parents throughout the day? Would you be able to attend a short college course. I found I needed to leave the world of work but could attend college.
Where I was able to meet other people. That didn't always relate to caring. Have your parents had a home assessment? Have you had a carers assessment by your LA. Your would be entitled to some parent sitting time. You may also be able to apply for funding to go back out/reestablish with your friends.

Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Sat Jul 08, 2017 7:42 am
by jenny lucas
In terms of college etc, what about online courses you can do from home? The OU is the obvious one, but I think these days there are a lot more on offer.

It would give a sense of purpose, plus, of course, preparing you for the independent life you WILL be having at some point....

The OU also has a student forum as I recall, so that gives a bit of company as well.

Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Sat Jul 08, 2017 9:19 am
by bowlingbun
Victoria,
I was very concerned about your comment "I don't have the time or money to go out". If your parents need a lot of care, then they should be entitled to either Attendance Allowance, if they are over 65, or PIP - Personal Independence Payment. These allowances are available to anyone meeting the criteria, there is no "means test" involved.
Once they qualify, then you would be entitled to Carers Allowance, if you meet the criteria, and possibly other income related benefits.
Please click on the red "Help and Advice" tab at the top of this page, a whole new section of the website opens up with loads of useful information.
I do hope you will come back to the forum, so that we can offer support.

Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 6:31 am
by Kimmel30
Janine_1706 wrote:Hi Vicky. I'm 28 and am a carer for my twin. Like you, I've ended up losing friendships because I'm basically never free. Try and get help like Stacy suggests. I'm in the process of doing that too :) Do you want to do a lot to help out your parents or would you rather do a little and have a lot of help? If it's the second, you probably want to be a care manager, which is a term I picked up here on the forum. Before that, I just thought a carer was a care manager too, and didn't realise there was the ability to be just a manager of care instead of a care giver.
Hey Janine,I can relate to your experience specifically, cos like you i'm a twin too and the exact same age as you.

It is lonely, you kind of miss out on all the same stages as your twin because you are caring for them. On top of that my parents devoted more time to their disabled son than their abled-bodied one.

Like you said, there are many external sources for help which should be utilized by carers.

Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 9:22 am
by jenny lucas
Hello Kimmel - it must be, I think, particularly hard to have a twin who has special needs. And, sadly, being an able bodied child in a family where there is a disabled child as well, does take a toll.

I hope your parents can make SOME time that is 'yours alone', and you are not regarded purely as 'the helper son'.....

Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 4:35 pm
by Lena_1711
Hello, Vicky! You're doing a great job by not abandoning your parents. I understand how you feel, because I’m in the same situation myself. I also take care of my mother and stepfather and I also feel that I can’t leave them. And I didn’t have the time or money to go out with my friends. So I lost many friends and I felt very lonely. And you know what helped me? I began to get to know people via the Internet. I honestly told them about my situation and invited them to visit me. Just for tea. You won’t believe how many interesting people I've met! And now some friends even help me out when I need a break, even though I still feel I can’t leave my parents alone. And don’t neglect a sedative. Drink something like Calmax and you will feel a bit better and in that state it’s much easier to get acquainted and find friends.
Good luck!

Re: Being a carer is very lonely

Posted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 5:54 pm
by Henrietta
Hi Vicky , I notice this is an old thread so hope you are still with us but for anyone in similar circumstances reading this thread the Red Cross offer a service that me be of interest

http://www.redcross.org.uk/What-we-do/H ... n/Response