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Carers UK Forum • Will i lose my home?
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Will i lose my home?

Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 8:28 am
by babybyrd
Morning all
I've basically given half of my life up to care for my dad. I've lived with him in his house for the last 20 years caring for him to some degree for most of that time. I've given up relationships and any social life but do work full time in a job which takes me away for a couple of nights per week. So I manage to stay sane.
I think lol
Anyway dad is getting progressively less able to cope when I'm not here. He won't sign lpa ..he won't have an outsider come in as a carer or anything and won't even speak about a care home but as he gets frailer I fear this is what will have to happen.
My worry is this ..I am under 60 and I have no disability ...so I am understanding that they'd probably make me leave my home to sell it to pay fees for dads care. Am I right?

Re: Will i lose my home?

Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 8:34 am
by bowlingbun
Ring or email the Carers UK helpline. Are you the only child? Dad might be able to give you a share of the house to protect you - the helpline will have all the information you need.

Re: Will i lose my home?

Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 9:40 am
by jenny lucas
It's appalling to my mind that your father has used you for 20 years, and has not had the consideration to gift half the house to you long ago to secure your future. How selfish of him!

Just as selfish as refusing to have external carers......

Can you refuse to do any more caring, but just go on living in the house? Tell his GP that you are now 'withdrawing your care' and leave it up to them to sort out bringing in external carers?

Remember, all the tenancy laws act in your favour, whether or not there is a formal 'lease' for you. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE, as in, move out - it's VERY HARD to have someone living in a house actually evicted, and so whilst you are living in it, you are pretty protected.

Only if your father has to go into care, in a residential home, would the council want to claim the house for fees. And I dont' think they can do that until he has died - ie, they can put a charge on it that has to be paid back out of the eventual sale of the house (hopefully the charge will not be for the whole value of the house, ie, there will be some 'left over' for you.)

Speaking of that, are you an only child? ie, will you get anything and everything that your father leaves in his will (has he made one?!). It's essential that having given up 20 years of your life for him you get EVERYTHING over any other sibling.

Sadly, your situation now points exactly to why it's so, so ill advised for a son/daughter to take on full time care for a parent without pre-arranged, completely adequate financial compensation, or it leaves them very, very vulnerable to exploitation. I do hope that doesn't happen to you.

Shameful of your father, to my mind, not to look after your interests better than he has. Sorry if that sounds harsh on him!

Re: Will i lose my home?

Posted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 7:47 am
by babybyrd
I will call them ...thanks bowling bun

Jenny you're right it is selfish and quite shocking really after my dad himself was at his own dads beck and call for as long as I can remember. He worked for his dad and even though married with kids also cared for his dad despite having 6 siblings. I remember thinking how unfair it was when I was a kid.
My mom died aged just 62 and that's where I made my mistake ...out of pity I started doing everything for my dad ...that's how it all started ...and built up to where we are today. I have one sister but she was married with a new born at that time ... so ...she never really got too involved. So yes dad is selfish but I also think its my fault for letting it get to this stage. I should have been firmer earlier ...saved myself the stress and guilt I'm feeling now ...

The house is in my dads name and yes he has done a will where everything has split down the middle. However he does recognise what I do for him and years ago opened a savings account in my name as an extra for me ...

I am close to my dad obviously ...but at times feel resentment and I hate that feeling. I dread his passing but at the same time I know it will mean I'm finally able to live my life for me my way. Makes me sound cold I guess ....but its the truth .

Thank you both for the replies. This forum never fails to get me through on the days I'm struggling

Re: Will i lose my home?

Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2017 6:10 pm
by Tired
Oh my goodness, had to sign up to the site after reading this as almost exactly my situation! Looking after Dad for 10 years, close to zero help from family who think calling in for a brew once every six months is enough. Not entitled to any carers from our council as he has "enough" care with me here. No social life as his symptoms are worse in the evening. No partner, only a couple of friends. Have tried getting out and about volunteering etc but haven't made any new friends.

Started to act like he was developing dementia recently, so I started to panic and look into what would happen. I am on the deeds for half of the house, but still unsure if I would need to sell it if he had to go into care. Dragging his heels about wills, funeral plans, power of attorney etc, cannot get him to do anything. And the more I mither him about it, he just said to me the other day I think you're making all this up so you can ship me off into a home. Yeah thanks for that, and leave myself homeless? Definitely what I'm trying to do :angry: :angry: :angry:

I'm with you babybyrd with the resentment. Of course I don't want anything to happen to him, but also found myself thinking this week what it would be like if I could have my own life, my own house, a JOB that I enjoyed... I really think I need to talk to someone because I'm getting more and more resentful and angry. I have never wanted children but recently have had that cemented as I would never ever put my children through this.

Re: Will i lose my home?

Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2017 6:45 pm
by bowlingbun
Definitely ring or email our Carers UK helpline for the very best advice. It's good that you own half the house, they cannot force you to sell it.
However, it's time for you to get tough. Dad can't have it both ways. The more help he accepts other than you, the longer he can stay home. He doesn't have any real power, you are the one with the power. Go out for the day, what can he do? Nothing.

Re: Will i lose my home?

Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2017 6:47 pm
by Henrietta
Hi Babybyrd- just read your thread and sounds like a post I would have written about 3 or 4 years ago. Same situation, mother passed years away and cared for dad in own house for decades and under 60 myself.
In a nutshell- you are right- we don't seem to have any legal rights besides "at the discretion of the LA" kind of rights.
I've chosen to give up work nearly completely and do the large part of caring myself. A year or sos extremely hard work but half a house at the end of it (I have a helicopter sibling who does nought) Dad had same mentality as yours- no LPA - daughter will do it anyway, ultimate selfish stance.
If you sign a house over , it needs to be 7 years before the person passes away to be counted , otherwise may still count for IT I think.
If you are lucky enough though to be on the deeds for half the house , I think the LA would not force the sale on the basis that - who would want to buy half a house ?
Been through the resentment phase but it passes nearer the end!
I would highly recommend getting third party access to main bank accounts- this has been a godsend to me as can access funds and remain independant from the LA . Need to do this while they still have capacity . Ultimately cheaper than LPA and more flexible.
If your dad received care at home the house is excluded in any financial assessment - it is only included if going into residential care- this worth doing the care yourself- unless you are on a very good wage of course. I've done it gradualy -first giving up the career and doing some part time care work and then cutting my hours back time and time again.
Sorry to make this sound so mercenary but after all that is the crux of the problem- if a typical house is valued at £200 K then your half of the house is £100K. If you have to care for another 3 years, can you earn over £33 K per year etc

Re: Will i lose my home?

Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2017 6:50 pm
by jenny lucas
That's definitely the line to take - ie, that if he accepts outside help (even if he has to pay for it) it means he may not have to go into a care home.

But you DO need to have 'time off from caring' etc.

As BB says, vital that you own half the house. From what (little) I understand, even if he has to use his share of the house's value against eventual care home fees, I believe the council cannot force you to sell up until he dies.....they will put a charge on (his) share, and 'claim' it after he's died to 'pay them back the fees'.

BUT, yes, DO get this all clear and legal, ie, by getting it from Carers UK experts.

Are you going to be his only 'beneficiary' or are there other siblings/relatives who will share the total estate once he dies? In the end, you don't want to give up your life, to keep him out of residential care, only to find you don't inherit that much anyway!!!!

He should also be 'paying' you to care for him - that way you have some of the estate 'now'.

Re: Will i lose my home?

Posted: Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:05 pm
by Tired
Thanks Jenny

I had to give up a job when he fell down the stairs a few years back, I was still not entitled to carers allowance. So we agreed I would stop paying "rent" (which was actually the mortgage and he paid bills), and he would cover the mortgage and food bills. So financially he covers me for many things, and I've just let him carry on as I give him so much of my life I feel that's what I should get. I have 5 other siblings, but the mortgage adviser said I would inherit half of the house, plus a 1/6 share of his side of the house. I will speak to the carers helpline.

Bowlingbun, I do disappear out for a few hours with my dog quite often, but I always have to give him an exact time of how long I will be, which drives me crazy. I'm fine when I'm out of the house and so much calmer, but inevitably I have to go back home, and that is getting harder and harder. The only thing is nowadays leaving him for long periods of time I come home to find crazy things that he's done on one of his "funny turns" as I call them, dementia style spells. So now I've imposed more of a curfew on myself because I worry about him doing something really stupid. We are seeing the Parkinsons nurse this week to discuss these strange behaviours. (Gp's already consulted and tests done)