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Useful books etc - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Useful books etc

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
I am now reading "Remember This When You’re Sad". You may read this book. This book is both a memoir and a vital self-care manual.
We don't like to say "no", do we! It feels like we are letting someone down. And yet common sense dictates that sometimes we must.

It is easy to dwell on what we may consider our moral or social responsibilities - loving our neighbours, putting others first, caring for the less-well-off. These are fine principles, which we can readily apply most of the time. However in life we are sometimes in conflict, between our wishes and needs, and what others may demand of us. In the worst case others may appeal to our moral principles to manipulate us to concede to their wishes. This is emotional blackmail. There are plenty of examples in this forum, of carees, of relatives, of officials from social services, hospitals, the welfare state and others, making demands that we cannot meet.

This book helps you to handle these conflict situations. How to assert your point, calmly, politely, non-aggressively and with dignity.

The book is "When I Say 'No', I Feel Guilty", by Dr Manuel J Smith. Published by Bantam, ISBN 0-553-26390-0. It was first published in the 1970s but still seems to be readily available. Try your local bookshop, library or on line.

The first three chapters are, I admit, rather heavy reading. They set out sociological principles of how people inter-react, and our basic rights. But persevere, they set the scene for the rest of the book. It really gets going in chapter 4. The author gradually introduces, with practical scenarios, coping techniques such as broken record, fogging, negative assertion and others. He also describes "workable compromise"; sometimes it is just impossible for us to be granted everything we ask for, and there are ways to negotiate a sensible compromise.

Slightly dated in style but with plenty of good advice nevertheless. Well recommended as a good read, and also something to dip into subsequently for reference.

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I sometimes think that childhood is a very bad preparation for adulthood. Thence lies the idea that we must do many things we don't like to do in order to please others. At school we may have hated doing our English grammar homework, but if we made a really big effort at it we might get top marks and a gold star!

The adult world does not work like that. Those that earn the most respect are those that negotiate firmly and politely to get the best deal.

The child/parent relationship is more difficult, however, because each party tends to carry on with ideas from an earlier age. Hence some of us may feel the need to kowtow to our parents, even though we have a much more level relationship with colleagues and managers at work.

This book, How to Stand Up for Yourself, by Dr Paul A Hauck (ISBN 0664242235) can help you to avoid being pushed around. It explains how to negotiate for a better relationship.

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Assert Yourself by Gail Lindenfield (ISBN 0007557973) explains how to do just that. Assertive speaking is about getting your point across in a clear and simple manner, leaving no doubt about your expectations. It is not about shouting, getting aggressive, bullying or beating about the bush (being vague or making innuendoes). Such actions harm your relationship with the other person and you are less likely to get what you want.

We may frequently need to assert ourselves when we deal with civil servants, social workers, doctors, relatives or even those we care for. This book contains many ideas on how to take control of situations.

Should be available via your bookshop or on-line.

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I see they do the Selfish Pigs Guide to Caring and the Swedish Death Cleaning book for Kindle these days. Much cheaper than paper copies, if you like e-readers (I do).
You have listed so many wonderful books that I will take note of. I highly recommend Archibald Brody's Hatter's Castle. Just be prepared for a special atmosphere of oppression and hopelessness. The plot is so dark that you are imbued with the fate of characters who endure oppression. I read the novel in a week, although the volume of the book is quite large.
Thanks Melly1 I will look out for that book! :D
Melly1 wrote:
Sat Sep 08, 2018 1:21 pm
The Selfish Pig's Guide To Caring: How to cope with the emotional and practical aspects of caring for someone by Hugh Marriott

This is a great book for how to cope with the demands of caring and not lose sight if yourself.
Totally agree with Melly 1 - I ordered this book via my library - suggest you all do the same, every library should have a copy of this accessible, informative and very funny carer's guide written in bite size chunks. You can either read it cover to cover or just cherry pick from the chapters relevant to your particular situation.