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Getting dad to do his fair share - Am I being unfair? - Carers UK Forum

Getting dad to do his fair share - Am I being unfair?

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
I'm 50 and I recently moved back in with my parents as my mum (90 years old) needs a lot of help. It wasn't the original plan. I relocated my job to be near them following my own breakup. I was going to live nearby but when mum asked me too I ended up moving in... I'm in full time work, do the cooking, cleaning, look after the house and care for mum (getting about, dressing,help her on the computer etc) when I'm at home from work. All of which I'm more than happy to do.

The issue is - my father (84). He expects to be waited on and for others to clear up after him. While not as agile as he was, he is perfectly able to look after himself and much more mobile than mum. Mentally he is all there. He prepares snacks for himself (but almost never tidies), expects meals to be cooked for him, clothes washed, house cleaned etc. Mum has always done this for him, so in many ways he's got used to it, but she increasingly is less able to. I'm out at work most of the time, so can't deal with him during the day, and don't have time to clear up after him on top of everything else. I'm more than happy to do anything they struggle with and help with whatever I can, but I refuse to deal with things he CAN do but can't be bothered to. When occasionally asked to tidy up HIS OWN mess, he gets indignant.

Am I being unfair or unreasonable? Please be honest if you think I am. Mum gets so tired (physically and mentally) pandering to him during the day and it gets me down how he takes her for granted. What I really need advice on is how to - diplomatically - ask him to pull his weight a little more. Thankyou.
What is their financial situation? Do they have over £46,000 between them? Does mum have over £23,000 in her OWN name?

They need to start employing a home help to sort out the house, so that when you can come home, you don't have to do any housework. They won't agree willingly mind you? Is mum claiming Attendance Allowance?
No need for diplomacy - and indeed, no use, either. He's got a thick hide!

Just stop doing things for him.

Oh, and move out and get carers to look after your mum. Tell your dad to employ a housekeeper if he's too lazy to shift for himself.

Sorry, but 'firm love' is needed at this stage.

The 'nuclear' option of course is to move out, and take your mum with you! (and have carers in for her, while you are at work.) Leave your dad to shift for himself....or get carers.

But NO diplomacy. Just straight talking.
Good Morning, sorry going off at a bit of a tangent but just a warning from the wise, please be aware that as you are well under 60 , should a financial assessment be carried out in the future the family home (if in your parents name and not yours) would be taken into account and you could potentialy end up homeless even if you have been living there until you are 59 providing full time care for one or both parents. This would only apply to a financial assessment for residential care and not domicillary care.
VERY good point. Do you own your own home 'elsewhere'? If not, then very, very tough issues have to be addressed.

Basically, it comes down to two overall choices:

(1) Safeguard your inheritance (of their house and savings) by doing ALL the care yourself, until they both die

(2) Foregoing any inheritance and simply using all they possess to pay for their care.

Of course, all the money may not be spent by the time they both die, and equally, you could use some of their money to pay for some care, to lift the burden off you a bit. But those are the two 'extremes' of the Care/Inheritance dilemma we face.

(I chose Option 2 for my MIL. She is currently burning her way through the proceeds of her flat sale.....if she lives for more than another two or three years she will be absolutely broke, apart from the £14k the council will allow her to keep, out of which I will have to pay her funeral costs as well! Luckily, we didn't need to inherit anything from her....)
I chose option 1 and got away with it by the skin of my teeth because Dad passed away but I had 5 years of hard full time care , 24 /7 care in the last year. Neither is a happy option and much to weigh up on either side. Just make sure you do your homework and know the pitfalls of each. If there is a property involved it is always a bit of a gamble/balancing act.
If parents live in rented property I apologise for hijacking the thread !
Henrietta, isn't caution advised even if it's rented accommodation? Because if the lease is in the careee's name only, then the carer can be evicted if the caree dies or goes into residential care!!!!
Yes indeed a positive minefield to navigate.
BTL / Social Housing ?

A minefield as mentioned ... more clearcut under a BTL tenancy.

If so , a carer / caree ... a partnership ... both SHOULD be the " Tenants " under the BTL tenancy.

Only one ?

Next review due ... assuming a standard 6 / 12 month tenancy ?

Social housing ... succession ... the " Lampchop " problem ?

If necessary , make contact with SHELTER as a precaution.
Matt, while it would be fair and reasonable for Dad to do more it is very very unlikely that he ever will, he's very very unlikely to change. It sounds like
He's in total denial about Mums issues. It may be wishful thinking on his part, it might be the start of cognitive deterioration.
Easiest is to start getting them to pay for a cleaner. That will get them used to others coming into the house.
Learn to sweat the big stuff and find ways around the small stuff
It could be a long haul so pace your battles