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Dealing with family members - Carers UK Forum

Dealing with family members

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
My dad shouts at mum and I. Mum has dementia and alzheimers and it is not her fault she does not understand. We have no carers because dad turned them awake because they were upsetting mum.

What can I do? I feel like I should stay but a part of me wants to leave
Rachel, that's a difficult situation.
As your mum already had carers, presumably she is known to Social Services? Perhaps you could have a chat with them and express your concerns, in confidence. Did can cancel the carers because he didn't want ANY carers, or was he just against the personality or standards of the carers who came?
Yes we are under social services, we originally had a company who did 3 hs with mum but only had them twice (once to get to know mum and a second to shower her) then she was admitted to hospital for 11 days with an infection. When she came out we were given a new care plan with a company who had staff who came in when they wanted i.e. a 9am visit became 11.20 and we could not manage mum before they came so I still got mum washed and put her to bed (when they came everything was done). Also they were not trained in caring or dementia. I had one try to get mum in the shower but she had a wobble and she gave her a wash but she was a bit loud and could smell smoke on her. This has affected mum badly and now she refuses to shower at all. All I need is someone to help me with that and a bit of company. We may be getting something sorted out next week hopefully. I know both dad and I feel we have little purpose in life and both felt like walking out.
In that case, it's time to think about residential care. Some homes can offer regular respite beds, with a view to permanent residency later. Would mum be self funding, or funded by the local authority? You CANNOT be forced to care for someone else.
I understand perfectly where you are coming from with this Rachel as just been through exact same thing a few weeks ago. Calls we had were getting later and later. However, the service is there to suit yourselves NOT the company so if time slots they are doing are not working, tell them so. They cant put right if they don't know. We stayed with same company and now they are never any later than 8.30am. I am glad ours were able to work it out as the staff coming in have been lovely. Hope it continues ;)

Have you enquired to see if you can revert back to original company, if you think they were better.
If you get no joy speak to social worker. It is in their best interests for this to work too, as if you and your dad go under, that will possibly mean 3 of you needing support.

x x
I'm not sure about residency care home, dad said they agreed never to put each other in one and although dad knows he may have no choice, I doubt he'd be willing.

We have another care company we could try next week, I hope they are better. I doubt we could go back to the old one, they were disorganised although the carer was very good with mum,
If this is at all physically possible, do consider whether 'weekly boarding' so to speak in a care home might be an option. You'd still have to pay for the full week, but if your mum could come home for the weekends, (say) it might then become 'doable'.

What breaks us over caring is the non-stoppedness of it - when my MIL first went into a home, I used to have her back for 'sleepovers' twice a week, as that was something I could cope with, but it still gave her a taste of 'home life with me' (which is what she wanted).

Anyway, just a thought.

Sadly, so many posts here include statements like yours about 'we promised never to put them in a Home'.....and not realising that that decision is never a 'choice' one, as though we could keep them at home 'easily' or even 'at all'.

It's a sad time, though, no doubt about it.
Talk with your doctor and tell your doctor about your dad shouting. It seems to me he is at the end of the road. I would suggest if you were in Scotland to talk with Tommy Whitelaw and I will give you his email. This is the area he deals with daily and went through this with his own mum. He a man with loads of information and I think you would find him useful to talk too. Tommy here in Scotland but is knowing through out the world for knowledge and gives support to many people.

His email is Tommy.Whitlelaw@alliance-scotland.org

It sounds as if your dad and you could do with someone to talk too and to get you added support. Your doctor or practice nurse might be able to get you that support. If you have social work coming in and out then you should speak to them as they can get your father some rest time and also yourself in the format of rest bite. This is like having a short break from the caring roll. If you don't have a social works support worker go ask for one,

Also you can seek a payment were you take on the control management of your mum's care and you pay someone wages to come and help out in the house were your mum is concern. It allows you to pick who comes in to look after your mum and were she goes and what added support you get. This is called Direct Payment and you can get more information from your local social works office or the carers centre. It allows you too keep control but have the support worker their to do stuff. This might help your dad as then he can interview the person given the help to your mum and decide who is employed to do the Job. This not as straight forward as it sounds but is worth considering

Rachel, if dad wants to care for dad as long as possible, then it's really even more important that he has regular reliable breaks, especially as mum's needs will increase further. If you can find a local nursing home that does day care or respite, then he might not get so stressed. Have you been told by Social Services if there are any local day centres to care for dementia sufferers? Would dad find this more acceptable? Does he ever open up to you about how he's feeling, or just clam up? Has he ever had a Carers Assessment or been offered counselling? I found counselling really helpful when trying to support my elderly disabled mum.
There are various books about how to manage someone with dementia, one is called "Contented Dementia", the other is called "The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring". I've met the "selfish pig" as he gave a talk to our local carers group, he was brilliant. Perhaps reading these might help you and dad.
Is there anything specific which always frustrates dad more than anything else? If you could share it with us there might be others who have met the same problem who can share if and how they managed it.