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Stress with great anger - Carers UK Forum

Stress with great anger

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
I wonder how others deal with stress combined with a feeling great anger, and that all too familial 'it's just not fair feeling'

It's not me that is experiencing this but my Jan (the one I Care for).

Ever since I have been diagnosed with Casanoide disease, She is almost 'beside her self with stress and anger'. She has been to see our GP, and was put in touch with NHS Counselling Services. They have proved to be no help at all . They keep getting the wrong end of the stick, ie they think Jan is talking about 'Care' as in personal Care, the stuff I do. She is really looking for some help and techniques to help her cope, and stop getting so wound up and angry.
I know, Jan is scared it doesn't really help me cope, I feel it's becoming all about her, but I'm the one with the condition.
Oh Jimbo.

No glib answer for you.

Apart from wishing you both strength, tolerance and acceptance.. and Bugger ... That WAS glib Image

PMs me if you think there is ANthing I can do to help.

Jinbo, Im not entirely sure of Jans and your circumstances and I dont know what treatment you will be having, so some of my comments are likely to be not applicable - so please forgive me if they are, but here are some thoughts.

If you have to give personal care to Jan then it sounds like she is quite disabled and, unfortunately, many people with that level of disability become quite dependant on their carer and become frightened of the idea of them being unable to provide that care. They often refuse outside carers, object to their carer having any respite and become self referential - unable to see things from their carers viewpoint. This may not be entirely true for your Jan, but there may well be a bit of it there. The thought is "what will I do without him to care for me" rather than "how will he cope". Fear often goes with anger - "its not fair - I need him to look after me". You are probably right - it is becoming all about her (because that is how she sees it) although it is you that has the condition.

Would it help if you put extra care in place so that she gets used to others caring for her too? That way she may worry less about what will happen if you are not there and it will also give you some extra support. If your treatment is going to require in-patient care then perhaps it would be a good idea to start short respite now?

Finally, perhaps she could try a different counsellor? If one doesnt understand that doesnt mean that they all wont. I wonder also if you might find counselling beneficial for yourself to help you cope too.

I hope some of this is helpful.
Thank you for you kind word, and suggestions, I will be considering all you ideas as time go by. Image
Hi Jimbo, is there a carers centre near you? They run courses on stress management , meditation etc. Have found that meditation is definitely helpful, and psychologists are now realising that instead of hitting a cushion etc to get anger out, its better to go and do some relaxation instead. Please read my post on Positive Affirmations also, as they work for a lot of people.Take care, hope this helps
weemocass , thanks for your comments, but it's Jan that is having the stress and anger issues.
Hi Jimbo,
When you are not very well, the very last thing you need is this extra aggravation. I always tend to "go to ground" when I'm poorly, not much chance in your situation. So much depends on the sort of relationship you have, and whether she is of the "ignore it and it will go away" school of thought, or the "let's face whatever comes together" school. In my area, we have services for ill carers, special arrangements. I think you should ask SSD to do a Carers Assessment for you, as you are an ill carer. I also think that your OH should also have a Carers Assessment, because clearly she is worried about the implications for her. Both should be done entirely separately, when the other isn't present. Before these, perhaps you should each write down what is worrying you most about the future. You need to write down exactly what you do for her, and also (on a separate sheet of paper) what you do in the way of housework. Then work out what can be a) avoided altogether (ironing?); what could be avoided if you approached it a different way (eg washing up - get a dishwasher) and what someone else is going to have to do, either now or in the future. One thing is for certain, it's not fair for her to somehow blame you for getting ill, after all, you've never done the same to her!! Perhaps your GP or similar needs to spell this out to her?
My Jan is an ignore it, it will go away, frame of mind.
The other problem is at this time I am quite well, don't feel ill and have no symptoms, but the proposed treatment are very likely to change all that.

Thank you for the kind words, you have given me 'food for thought' Image

We're finally back from the hospital. Another long consultation with the doctor. Only one of the two test results had come back but it showed up something which is an indication that the tumours may be 'active'. She doesn't want to start me on any treatment until I have the scan at Bristol which they have now decided will only be over two days, instead of three, and they will use some other 'stuff' that, hopefully, he won't be allergic to. This will be arranged, with accommodation for both of us in a Premier Inn at Bristol, sometime after his next appointment with her in six weeks' time. She hopes to have the blood test back by then too...it takes quite a while because it has to go to the UCL in London.