Powers of Attorney and problems with siblings

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
Which is absolutely the right thing to do. Inevitably mum will find daily life harder as she gets older, but then it's HER choice whether to pay for more and more help in the home, even a live in carer; or to finally move into residential care.
Has your sister always been bossy?!!!!! (Is she older or younger than you, by the way - can say a lot!)

The point it though, quite apart from, as others are saying, not only is it entirely in your mum's say so as to what happens to her now, and if she wants to try out living back at home, then she is entitled to do so, with or without you or your sister's help, let alone needing your 'approval' or 'permission' (!!!), and not only again as others say, would it be a breach of confidentiality to talk about your mother's finances - which have been assigned to YOU - (does your sister resent this? It would seem so!), BUT, the main point is that EVEN IF your sister went through her mother's finances with a toothcomb, what on EARTH has that got to do with whether your mum lives at home or not!

The two are completely unconnected!

What 'trust' pray, is being 'compromised' by you not showing your nosy sister your mum's private financial affairs???

I am getting the feeling that this is about 'power' and your sister is getting angry that she hasn't got any power over her mother. Or you.

?????
Yes very bossy and yes, I think she does resent it, but she's never been around and never been involved in mum's life. I really don't know how the trust has been broken, but it must not have been there in the first place is all I can think of.
Thought as much!

She rather sounds like she's falling into the category of relative which on this forum is referred to as a 'helicopter'....

Helicopter relatives have nothing to do with the actual care of their parents or whoever the family caree is, but suddenly 'helicopter in' ,and hover irritatingly overhead, making all sorts of demands, often also offering all sorts of advice that is uninvited, unnecessary, irrelevant and basically 'intrusive', considering they do xxxx all for the caree themselves.....!!!
jenny lucas wrote:
Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:24 pm
Thought as much!

She rather sounds like she's falling into the category of relative which on this forum is referred to as a 'helicopter'....

Helicopter relatives have nothing to do with the actual care of their parents or whoever the family caree is, but suddenly 'helicopter in' ,and hover irritatingly overhead, making all sorts of demands, often also offering all sorts of advice that is uninvited, unnecessary, irrelevant and basically 'intrusive', considering they do xxxx all for the caree themselves.....!!!
I have a sister like this :(
Tell sister very firmly that it's NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!

In fact, it's quite obvious from what you've written, why mum gave you POA, not your sister!!

I know it's not nice falling out with siblings, my younger brother and I are no longer on speaking terms after he felt aggrieved that mum left me half a share of her estate, him a quarter. The day he sent a solicitor's letter demanding more money. I decided enough was enough!

(This is a man who took his children to the Caribbean on Concorde, telling mum it was better for the children as the flight was shorter!!!!!)

She didn't see him often for 12 months or more, although he lived only 60 miles away and had a top of the range car which would have done the journey well inside an hour. Meanwhile I did all the hospital visiting when she was in for months, her hospital washing, did my very best to support her.

,
Family is everything to me, I've given up much for it.. but lord help anybody that shows me the sort of attitude your sister has shown you because I would take them to the cleaners so fast its not even funny

Honestly, tell her to back off... and resolve her absentee / guilt complex issues elsewhere

Do not allow this person to intimidate you, if you happen to keep in touch with the solicitor or have a decent rapport with your SW it might be worth discussing the situation with them, as the whole thing stinks to high heaven of ulterior motives and I'd be very weary of them becoming involved in the delicate aspects of your loved ones care/wellbeing

Best Wishes
Hi all,
Sorry to bump on this topic but we're in the process of obtaining Poa for my mother atm after learning just how important it is in recent months,
I am the carer and live in with my parents since my mum became ill around 6 years ago but my sister is actually going for poa after we all sat down for a chat and I told them what I had learnt / my concerns,
I really feel for the op because your family is being split down the middle over this, we've had our falling outs over the years but the good in all of us has eventually prevailed.
Just to say that we all sat down and discussed it, noted what was important which was the wishes of my mum should she at any stage lose mental capacity, and all agreed what would be best for her, not for me, not for my sister, but what my mum wanted,
I took a leap of faith in suggesting my sister get it and do the right thing, and now we wait...
Maybe you guys just need to sit down and talk, or should I say let your mum do the talking and then enforce her wishes together as a family regardless of the Poa, together you'll be a far more effective team,
All the best,
J
J - surely you should be PoA AS WELL? (I think there can be more than one!).

It's vital since YOU are the person doing the actual caring, that YOU have access to your parent's money.

You don't know what may change in the future - eg, worst (nightmare!) case scenario is that your sister dies, emigrates, ends up in a coma, whatever - then you are 'stuck' again.

I think it is absolutely essential that the person DOING the caring gets access and control of the money with which to care.

Otherwise you are making yourself dangerously vulnerable.

Do you still have a place of your own to live, or are you 'homeless' without your mum? That' another very 'dangerous' situation to be in!
jenny lucas wrote:
Mon Apr 30, 2018 9:55 am
J - surely you should be PoA AS WELL? (I think there can be more than one!).
yes, you can have more than one "Attorney". the PoA can be so worded that the Attorney(s) can act 'singly' or 'jointly'.
With 'singly' any one Attorney can act independent of the others; with 'jointly' they act together. My Mum's PoA was worded "jointly or singly" which meant that my sister and myself could act together or independently of each other (i.e. if one or the other of us was unavailable). In reality I did all the work (!) but always with my sister's agreement.

If there is any likelihood of one or the other Attorney "accusing" the other of inappropriate behaviour in the future then it's always best to have it worded "jointly" so that they can only act if all are in agreement.