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Carers UK Forum • Not coping with partner's depression - Page 2
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Re: Not coping with partner's depression

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 12:48 pm
by Sandra_1407
Jenny,
Many thanks for your pep talk and new views on this dreadful situation. I am going to go ahead to give my husband some time in a good hospital where he can get physio etc. My brother-in-law wanted him in a B&B near his flat when he really needs to stay with a family member.
The separate rooms are great and sensible.( A friend in a similar position says now she gets a good night's sleep!) I do have a hypnotherapist for weekly sessions and she has been hugely helpful. Carers appear to loose their own identities because the job is so draining and fearful.
I am going to re-read your post to get as much out of it as I can. You seem hugely wise.
Happy New Year to you and to everyone out there. I also would like to share what happened to me yesterday when I went to get his medications. I saw a woman pushing a wheelchair with a disabled boy in it. She looked really strained but determined and I thought to myself. My situation is like first class travel compared to her situation so that was a good slap on the wrists. My heart went out to her. What I do not understand is why family members, friends and people one has helped turn their backs and ignore one when one is in need. If I say ignore
"you" , you may think it is you so I am saying "one". Tad old fashioned I know. I live in a particularly snobby city where my colleagues constantly "pose" and seem split people because you never know who they really are. I am putting this badly but it seems to me to create difficulties all across the board as you are not dealing with a whole person just the mask.
I have never been able to cope with that as I am what you see, you get type of person and
cannot pretend I am something I am not except as a "fun pose" to take the mickey out of them. Am glad the class system in this country is finally breaking down. As an old pal of mine said when he lived here, he'd never experienced anything as destructive. bet a lot of our problems stem from it.

Re: Not coping with partner's depression

Posted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 8:49 pm
by Sandra_1407
That was such a helpful response to me. I cannot believe how helpful it was. I have arranged for my husband to go to a hospital which deals with his depression which is about his inability to express anger - always the Gentleman which cause so much anger as it is such a false self.
He has agitated depression because of this. I am sick of his "gentlemanly front". I am just the dustbin as far as he is concerned. I hope the hospital I have chosen accepts him and I hope he will find himself. The English so called public school man of yore are appalling tyrants who think they are entitled and women are their staff, slaves, domestics and door mats. Road kill. I have provided my husband with the best care I can find as well as looking after him for nearly 48 years. I always earned my own money but he was never there for me ever.... and IF he recovers he can jolly well make a life of his own.

I am sick of being his doormat. When I went on holidays ALONE(always) as he did not like the destination he would not even look at my photos. When I met my brother whom I did not know existed he did not come with me as support. When my mother died of cancer I had to sit by her alone as he would not come to help me. He's a consultant doctor's son too - hey that was useful as that family never helped either. Pardon my French. What is it with these English so-called public school gentlemen?

They are horror stories for women. Is there anyone out there in my situation. Nothing is ever good enough. He cannot even open a tube of toothpaste. He has the hands of a farmer but --- do not get me started. What is it with these public school jerks. Do they really think women these days will buy in to their crap. Fine if you have servants but really - should your wife be a servant??? Let us hope that hospital accepts him and let us hope he can stay there for a couple of months so I can find myself and figure out what to do with my remaining years.

I always worked and paid my own way. I cannot believe my treatment even though I know that my background primed me for it.

Just hope women out there do not fall for these public school bastards. Let them marry their own kind.

I am funding his care and I hope he gets well and after that "wither then I cannot say" but was there ever such a terrible husband. I reckon and my heart goes out to all those women. I now cannot care less and I have told him he best be looking to find a new home or, get this guys, he can go and live with his mistress who, by the way, is a psychotherapist who broke every professional law in the book. Can I deal with that? No. She has huge clout. She messed with us when we were in therapy and that in itself should make her struck off. But no. She is a free spirit. Know what? I have good my husband. I will hire a car and dump you on her doorstop and she can look after you, clean after you. OK. I have vented. Why do these so called psychotherapist do this? I know. It is the Jungian anima and that has to be venerated no matter what. Hope the government investigates those charlatans. Boy and do they charge!
Get this. One of them told me she could no longer see patients in her London flat which was in the most prestigious part of London. She said. I bought the flat above so the patients did not think I was wealthy. Did I puke? You tell me? Was I right to cut off relations with her? Can anyone explain this to me?

Re: Not coping with partner's depression

Posted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:51 pm
by jenny lucas
Public school boys are very often emotionally damaged. For a start, they've been placed in boarding schools (often since prep school days from seven onwards), which means they have little contact with their parents, and second because public schools are often a reincarnation of Lord of the Flies (the author of the book was inspired to write it having been a teacher at a prep school and seeing how it was a junge for the boys).

Some public schoolboys survive well - some survive badly. Of the latter, some survive by becoming 'bullies' themselves, and some by becoming very emotionally scarred. A lucky few survive by seeing what was done to them, and triumphing over it.

Boarding school is seldom a nurturing environment for sensitive souls....

Re: Not coping with partner's depression

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2015 1:07 pm
by Jade_1412
Well i cant really offer any suggestions the only advice is keep venting here in a safe space. Sounds like you have come to the end of your road with your husband. Time to start thinking of your self now. And yes therapists who take advantage of their situation should be struck off. You sound a strong lady who will get through this hard time.

Re: Not coping with partner's depression

Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2015 2:00 pm
by bowlingbun
In my organiser I carry a little card, with a few lines from a poem. It's all about recognising the things you can change, the things you can't, and having the wisdom to know the difference. Ultimately, we only have one life, and are responsible for our own happiness. Sometimes we are faced with hard decisions. Is it better to do nothing, or vote with our feet?

Re: Not coping with partner's depression

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2015 1:03 pm
by Sandra_1407
I am trying to get a second wind because my husband's illness changes him into someone I do not know and as I am run down and discouraged it makes me depressed. I reckon I am just having a severe moan and groan and I have to say anger comes in to it too. He was always the gentleman and saw expressions of anger as a not the done thing thing but where does that anger then go? Someone else has to act it out for them. On the other hand maybe it is good not to express it and find other ways to show it. I have also researched many clinics out there - private ones and there are so many different ones. He is not typical so would find joining in very difficult and the expense is shattering. Our poor NHS is pushed to the limits so home care is best I suppose. If anyone is depressed out there I send my sympathy as it is one of the worst things going.