Mother calling out at night

[Jacqueline_180912]

My mother clearly has dementia and is on pills which also help with her anxiety.

She has recently got a uti and is on antibiotics fornthat.

She keeps calling out help help help all day cos she needs the loo but doesnt want to go in her pad.

She has 2 carers four times a day (immobile) and I live with her in her bouse.

She calls out at night.now and I am finding it sososososososo hard to sleep. What can I do?

She is just under the 23,500 threashold so we still have a bit of money for respite for me but not for ling. I am so anxious and stressed. It is ruini g my peace of mind. Youtube calming music etc just isnt enough any more, I feel despirate.

[Henrietta]

Hi Jaqueline
I had a couple of months of that and then Dad started falling very frequently and I put Dad into respite only where he passed away peacefully a month later. You truly are at the hardest stage- hang in there, sadly it may not be for long.
Rather than you having the respite can you place Dad into respite?

[Jacqueline_180912]

Yes. I will be arranging some kind of respite. Prob get a carer to live in. Booked a holiday for me in feb. It is just soo expensive compared to what I get for caring!!! Luckily mother does still have a bit of money.

[Henrietta]

If the live in carer is respite and not a long term arrangement I would seriously recommend residential instead. The purpose fof respite is for you to have a break at this stage so having a stranger in the house 24/7 using your kitchen and needing constant supervision and explanations and taking their own breaks at inconvenient times is not going to be very restful. I think the difference in price will not be that great between residentiala nd live in. Your mum would have a whole team of fresh people in residential. I was dead against in and looked into live in care just over 12 months ago but looking back I can see that a good residential home was by far the best place.
Can I just pose another controversial thought into the mix- where would you like mum to end her days? If it is at home in the lounge , you will be living with that image and thought day in day out. It may be easier if she were in residential? You can walk away from the images , they will stay with you but won't be in your home. It sounds as though your mum probably is beyond knowing where she is and if not explain she is going to a caring hotel for a break. I thought I would meet a storm of protest at the prospect of a care home but not a bit of it when the time came to transport dad. I had brother and ambulance crew on standby to help and dad hopped into his chair quite contented with no protest at all.
It really does sound as though your mum is in the same phase. at the moment and it may not be as bad as you think.

[Henrietta]

If the live in carer is respite and not a long term arrangement I would seriously recommend residential instead. The purpose fof respite is for you to have a break at this stage so having a stranger in the house 24/7 using your kitchen and needing constant supervision and explanations and taking their own breaks at inconvenient times is not going to be very restful. I think the difference in price will not be that great between residentiala nd live in. Your mum would have a whole team of fresh people in residential. I was dead against in and looked into live in care just over 12 months ago but looking back I can see that a good residential home was by far the best place.
Can I just pose another controversial thought into the mix- where would you like mum to end her days? If it is at home in the lounge , you will be living with that image and thought day in day out. It may be easier if she were in residential? You can walk away from the images , they will stay with you but won't be in your home. It sounds as though your mum probably is beyond knowing where she is and if not explain she is going to a caring hotel for a break. I thought I would meet a storm of protest at the prospect of a care home but not a bit of it when the time came to transport dad. I had brother and ambulance crew on standby to help and dad hopped into his chair quite contented with no protest at all.
It really does sound as though your mum is in the same phase. at the moment and it may not be as bad as you think.

[jenny lucas]

Just to say that my friend used to get live-in carers for her dad-with-dementia-living-with-her when she went on holiday. It wasn't 'too bad' in that it meant her dad could just continue as he did (he did a lot of wandering around the house, putting things in places they shouldn't be, turning the radiators on and off constantly, and then sitting in the living room asleep etc, so his daily routine went on the same, but with a carer not his daughter.

The cost was a bit more than residential care possibly - about £130 a day. You have to provide food as well. The carers seemed to be different every time, and yes, she did need to explain everything to them (eg, how to make the washing machine work etc etc)(she had a file she would hand to each one as they arrived, but they still needed to be talked through everything.) She also got calls from them from time to time!

As for residential care, when my friend finally 'cracked' and moved her father in to one, she too found that he went very 'peaceably'......he really doesn't seem to mind being there, or when she takes him out he goes back in 'like a lamb' etc etc. I think it is because he really hasn't a clue any more where he is, etc.

It's a hard call to make, but one thing about respite care in a care home is that it does 'try out' whether permanent residential care is going to work (whether it is affordable is a different issue!). So much depends on the stage of dementia.

Also, though it can of course be a huge 'relief' that they are now in care, and we get our lives back....there IS an element of 'empty nesting'. Even now, several years after my MIL was with me, I can sit on the sofa and remember how we used to watch TV etc etc, and know that that will never happen again.....there is a sense of loss, as well as relief.