I am being bullied at a care home

[Honey Badger]

.

[thara_1910]

I know this is slightly off the beaten track, but I have to ask,

You are a younger person who health issues aside appears to have capacity for decision making, certainly when it comes to your preferred place of care (which given your choice, would be home, not in residential)

Did you or your mother actually have a choice in any of this? Did you choose to live in the care home or were you simply told you were going to live there? Because if the latter, it sounds like somebody on behalf of the council/social services or whoever is responsible for funding your care has acted illegally..

Given we don't have the complete picture but this situation does not sit well with me. I really dislike the apparent "close ranks" behaviour of social services/safeguarding/care home staff as well.

The situation does place you in a unique position to gather a true "inside" account of their wrong doings as suggested in other posts with surveillance/recordings but your safety must come first. It does not sound like a safe place to live which does not bode well given you are supposed to be able to trust the home with your life in times of crisis.

And yes I have encountered employees in an environment of care of whom were bullies, were being the operative word.

Best wishes

This. All of it.

[Undermyduvet]

In reply to comments about recording things.I don't have a mobile phone right now(believe it or not)I could get a dictaphone I guess.Would a dictaphone work?

I know this is slightly off the beaten track, but I have to ask,

You are a younger person who health issues aside appears to have capacity for decision making, certainly when it comes to your preferred place of care (which given your choice, would be home, not in residential)

Did you or your mother actually have a choice in any of this? Did you choose to live in the care home or were you simply told you were going to live there? Because if the latter, it sounds like somebody on behalf of the council/social services or whoever is responsible for funding your care has acted illegally..

Given we don't have the complete picture but this situation does not sit well with me. I really dislike the apparent "close ranks" behaviour of social services/safeguarding/care home staff as well.

The situation does place you in a unique position to gather a true "inside" account of their wrong doings as suggested in other posts with surveillance/recordings but your safety must come first. It does not sound like a safe place to live which does not bode well given you are supposed to be able to trust the home with your life in times of crisis.

And yes I have encountered employees in an environment of care of whom were bullies, were being the operative word.

Best wishes

What do you do for a living Honey badger?If you'd rather not say publically you can PM

I ended up in a care home because I used to be on a NG tube so needed extra care at the time.There's not many homes suitable for young people so I came here.Now I am in a situation where I need my own space with carers coming into me.The place I am living is not a happy one as the staff don't understand my llness.There's some good people here don't get me wrong but the enviroment isn't good for me.Despite all this I need time to look for somewhere because I have certain needs and am in a situation where i'm being forced out.I don't want to end up somewhere totally wrong for me.
Yesterday they gave me written notice so it all feels more real now.I tried to broach the subject of the situation with my neighbour but the manager was evasive.I can't believe that after all these months the only action the home has taken is to leave me without a home.

If anyone reading this can help me or knows anybody who works in safeguarding or for social services then please either reply or contact me.It has got to the stage where I don't trust anybody.I have a new socal worker visiting on thursday who the home contacted and I am wary because it was the home who aranged it.

[Honey Badger]

.

[Denis_1610]

Good day, Undermyduvet. I have read through the posts and make the general observation that you are getting nowhere with your requests from help from various authorities.

Do you know what CQC ratings this home got on the last inspection? It sounds to me as though it is deficient on at least the safety and caring aspects, and it does not sound well-led either.

You can't expect the CQC to send someone to the home on the strength of a single complaint. What you can do is enter your own experiences on its website. This could influence its decision when to re-inspect and what to look for.

Social services and ombudsmen can help with many matters but their powers are limited. What do you expect them to do? Come round and give the bully a telling off? In the highly unlikely event of them doing that it would just result in intensifying the bully's actions. Complain to the home manager? It sounds as though this manager is incompetent, in which case a complaint will be as effective as flogging a dead horse.

Life can sometimes be terribly unfair and you are clearly going through a bad phase. We often need to fight our own battles I'm afraid. However I can suggest one person to "fight your corner". More about that later.

There are two courses of action that we can consider.

1. Stand up to this bitch.

2. Leave.

Since you have been given notice, the decision has effectively been made for you. But let's run through things anyway and consider what could or should have happened.

Option 1.
Usually I would say the best way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. Give as good as you get - maybe a little more. What bullies fear most is failure. When they realise they won't win they back down.

The problem here though is that this bullying has been going on for a while. She is on a roll. To turn this situation round will need more than one remonstration. In view of your illness I do not think that repeated confrontation would be good for you. What your manager should have done is arrange to meet you and the bully round a table and have a counselling session where you could discuss and exchange your differences and problems in a cool manner and seek an agreement of mutual respect. Your manager is clearly too weak-kneed to do this and seems to side with the bully any way. So if you confront the bully you will be taking the two of them on. This is just too much stress, and considering that you have been given notice anyway is just not worth the hassle. So it's down to . . .

Option 2.
Leave - and you have been given notice to do so anyway. I don't know the manager's real reasons for giving notice. There is a suggestion that he or she is taking the easiest course to eliminate a problem. This is unfair, I know. But you need to concentrate not on what is fair but on your own welfare. You are clearly in a bad situation in that home and things are not going to get better. You need to get out, for your own sake.

It may take a while to find personal accommodation that best suits your needs, so you should consider another care home, if only as a stopgap, to let you look around from a kinder environment. Don't assume you will be in a similar situation in another care home; that is unlikely.

And this is where "fighting your corner" comes in. I presume you have your own doctor, though you have made no mention. He or she is probably well able to advise what type of caring is best for you, and support you case in applying to another care home.

Don't see this as running away from an unsatisfactory and unfair problem. Do see it as taking control of your life to better your circumstances.

And if you really wish for "justice to be done" at your present care home after you have left, send in that report to CQC. It will benefit the people remaining there after you.

[Undermyduvet]

Good day, Undermyduvet. I have read through the posts and make the general observation that you are getting nowhere with your requests from help from various authorities.

Do you know what CQC ratings this home got on the last inspection? It sounds to me as though it is deficient on at least the safety and caring aspects, and it does not sound well-led either.

You can't expect the CQC to send someone to the home on the strength of a single complaint. What you can do is enter your own experiences on its website. This could influence its decision when to re-inspect and what to look for.

Social services and ombudsmen can help with many matters but their powers are limited. What do you expect them to do? Come round and give the bully a telling off? In the highly unlikely event of them doing that it would just result in intensifying the bully's actions. Complain to the home manager? It sounds as though this manager is incompetent, in which case a complaint will be as effective as flogging a dead horse.

Life can sometimes be terribly unfair and you are clearly going through a bad phase. We often need to fight our own battles I'm afraid. However I can suggest one person to "fight your corner". More about that later.

There are two courses of action that we can consider.

1. Stand up to this bitch.

2. Leave.

Since you have been given notice, the decision has effectively been made for you. But let's run through things anyway and consider what could or should have happened.

Option 1.
Usually I would say the best way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. Give as good as you get - maybe a little more. What bullies fear most is failure. When they realise they won't win they back down.

The problem here though is that this bullying has been going on for a while. She is on a roll. To turn this situation round will need more than one remonstration. In view of your illness I do not think that repeated confrontation would be good for you. What your manager should have done is arrange to meet you and the bully round a table and have a counselling session where you could discuss and exchange your differences and problems in a cool manner and seek an agreement of mutual respect. Your manager is clearly too weak-kneed to do this and seems to side with the bully any way. So if you confront the bully you will be taking the two of them on. This is just too much stress, and considering that you have been given notice anyway is just not worth the hassle. So it's down to . . .

Option 2.
Leave - and you have been given notice to do so anyway. I don't know the manager's real reasons for giving notice. There is a suggestion that he or she is taking the easiest course to eliminate a problem. This is unfair, I know. But you need to concentrate not on what is fair but on your own welfare. You are clearly in a bad situation in that home and things are not going to get better. You need to get out, for your own sake.

It may take a while to find personal accommodation that best suits your needs, so you should consider another care home, if only as a stopgap, to let you look around from a kinder environment. Don't assume you will be in a similar situation in another care home; that is unlikely.

And this is where "fighting your corner" comes in. I presume you have your own doctor, though you have made no mention. He or she is probably well able to advise what type of caring is best for you, and support you case in applying to another care home.

Don't see this as running away from an unsatisfactory and unfair problem. Do see it as taking control of your life to better your circumstances.

And if you really wish for "justice to be done" at your present care home after you have left, send in that report to CQC. It will benefit the people remaining there after you.

Hello

Not sure how to respond to you asking me what I expect social services and the Onbuds people to do.If they came and gave her a good talking to they'd need to go in armed.My neighbour is built like Jean Claude Van Damme.
The safeguarding people were originally involved in my case(not sure what is happening now)and they do have certain powers(and can remove residents in certain circumstances which is what I was hoping for)so I wasn't sure what powers the Onbuds people did have.Perhaps some people on here are more familiar with different organisations but is new to me.I guess I thought if anyone here did have connections with social services they might know who to contact.

I am more than capable of fighing my own battles and have had a lot of challenges over time but in this situation am out of my depth.My neighbour has mental health problems and none of the unit feels safe around her.One of the residents even said as much and was in tears the morning after my neighbour had tried to break down my door and raised her stick over my mum's head(my mums quite a bit older than she is)

Yeah,I have stood up to her in the past but there's no reasoning with someone like her and am now trying just not to react in the hope she'll get bored.

Everywhere I have been I have had issues because not enough is known about my illness.I was in another home for a while and it was not a happy experience.Even on a temporary basis a home would not be a healthy enviroment for me.

[Undermyduvet]

What do you do for a living Honey badger?If you'd rather not say publically you can PM

Its alright though I suspect not the answer you are looking for/expecting

I am a full time unpaid carer (former young-carer now in late 30's) looking after several family members, primarily a younger (adult) sibling born with complex needs/neurological problems/learning disability and life shortening disorder (full assistive). This encompasses the legal side of things as much as the day to day care.

Professionally my (former) life couldn't be more distant, I worked in engineering and also ran a business, I've also done bits of volunteering notably support/advisory (as a means to help other people and get myself through some problems) which is something I would like to become involved in again some day as I just have zero tolerance for bullies, I am very strongly opinionated on how people are financially victimised by a system that is supposed to help them because I can relate to the sense of abandonment.

There are some really bright/exceptional individuals in this community from all walks of life. They just happen to be looking after someone dear to them. There is a hidden irony in living a life where you can be around people you look after, and deal with 100's of people in supporting them, yet still feel utterly isolated/alone.

Not the life we plan for, my health is not fantastic but pales in comparison to what you are dealing with.
Most of what people pick up is acquired from spending a long while negotiating the hurdles of the system of behalf of those they care about - which actually places them in a position of having a "one up" on the people that actually do it for a living.

Going back to your problems with social services/safe guarding.. in the long term you need to have the mind set of tasking the ombudsman with looking at what you are being put through, but in the short term you need an appointed person who can allow you to actually be heard (an advocate, there are organizations which provide them), or possibly even see if you qualify for legal aid, so you can get assistance from somebody that specialises/is qualified to deal with what is going on that can't be fobbed off and has your interests at heart.

At its core we try to support each other however we can here, and sometimes that means we are able to point a person in the right direction and I honestly hope that will give them a slight improvement in that situation which has a real positive change for them, but ultimately you always want to seek out professional assistance where you can.

If your mothers health is up to it, would she be able to approach anyone on your behalf in-between visits? Or at least set up some sort of meeting with one of the previously mentioned parties. Even if it means just cycling through phone numbers.

Best wishes

Thanks for your reply Honeybadger

It sounds like you are a supportive carer.I like this community.Everyone on here has their own story and hurdles to overcome and I think anyone who gives up their time to care for someone deserves respect.I hope things improve for you all.

I had thought about seeking legal advice but it seemed to be so expensive.The legal aid suggestion has got me thinking.I would also consider an advocate and will ask my social worker about that.In what ways could they support me?I know Melly1 here suggested it too so thanks

My mum is very tired out right now so me thinks am going to be busy:)Hopefully she'll be able to help out more as time goes on..

[bowlingbun]

Under the Care Act, anyone who is "having difficulty making their voice heard" is entitled to an advocate.

From what you have just written, it is very clear that the neighbour is upsetting others, as well as you, and this needs to be addressed. Maybe it is just not the right place for the neighbour. However, I do have sympathy for the neighbour as well, because being moved is never easy. Maybe a review of the neighbour's medication might be in order?

However, you clearly need someone on your side, and an advocate would be able to do that. I have an advocate as even I have difficulty with Social Services!

Contact Social Services and ask for a Care Act Advocate to be appointed asap Don't take no for an answer, and be sure to write down the name of the person you speak to, date, and what was agreed. Stress it is URGENT as you feel threatened and it's not safe..

[thara_1910]

What do you do for a living Honey badger?If you'd rather not say publically you can PM

Its alright though I suspect not the answer you are looking for/expecting

I am a full time unpaid carer (former young-carer now in late 30's) looking after several family members, primarily a younger (adult) sibling born with complex needs/neurological problems/learning disability and life shortening disorder (full assistive). This encompasses the legal side of things as much as the day to day care.

Professionally my (former) life couldn't be more distant, I worked in engineering and also ran a business, I've also done bits of volunteering notably support/advisory (as a means to help other people and get myself through some problems) which is something I would like to become involved in again some day as I just have zero tolerance for bullies, I am very strongly opinionated on how people are financially victimised by a system that is supposed to help them because I can relate to the sense of abandonment.

There are some really bright/exceptional individuals in this community from all walks of life. They just happen to be looking after someone dear to them. There is a hidden irony in living a life where you can be around people you look after, and deal with 100's of people in supporting them, yet still feel utterly isolated/alone.

Not the life we plan for, my health is not fantastic but pales in comparison to what you are dealing with.
Most of what people pick up is acquired from spending a long while negotiating the hurdles of the system of behalf of those they care about - which actually places them in a position of having a "one up" on the people that actually do it for a living.

Going back to your problems with social services/safe guarding.. in the long term you need to have the mind set of tasking the ombudsman with looking at what you are being put through, but in the short term you need an appointed person who can allow you to actually be heard (an advocate, there are organizations which provide them), or possibly even see if you qualify for legal aid, so you can get assistance from somebody that specialises/is qualified to deal with what is going on that can't be fobbed off and has your interests at heart.

At its core we try to support each other however we can here, and sometimes that means we are able to point a person in the right direction and I honestly hope that will give them a slight improvement in that situation which has a real positive change for them, but ultimately you always want to seek out professional assistance where you can.

If your mothers health is up to it, would she be able to approach anyone on your behalf in-between visits? Or at least set up some sort of meeting with one of the previously mentioned parties. Even if it means just cycling through phone numbers.

Best wishes

Thanks for your reply Honeybadger

It sounds like you are a supportive carer.I like this community.Everyone on here has their own story and hurdles to overcome and I think anyone who gives up their time to care for someone deserves respect.I hope things improve for you all.

I had thought about seeking legal advice but it seemed to be so expensive.The legal aid suggestion has got me thinking.I would also consider an advocate and will ask my social worker about that.In what ways could they support me?I know Melly1 here suggested it too so thanks

My mum is very tired out right now so me thinks am going to be busy:)Hopefully she'll be able to help out more as time goes on..

Definitely request professional advice on the legal aspects of this matter.

[Denis_1610]

Thanks, Undermyduvet, for your replies to my post and others'. We are learning a bit more about your situation.

It does not surprise me that your neighbour has mental problems. She is probably a very unhappy person at heart. This could be the reason why management is particularly attentive to her. This is probably more the reason why it is better for you not to try to battle with this person but secure a better position for yourself.

My previous recommendation is endorsed. Consult your doctor for guidance to finding new accommodation suited to your illness. Follow Bowlingbun's excellent advice about an advocate. You sound as though, despite your illness, you are strong in spirit and, with a little help from the right people, can steer yourself towards a better life. Best wishes and keep in touch.