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Advice needed -Carers UK Forum

Advice needed

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
Hi I'm new to this site
I am in dire need of some advice and help
I am 21 and care for my mother who has multiple sclerosis as well as short term memory loss and diabetes. I also care for my 14 year old sister who is autistic, ADHD, and has other speach and learning difficulties.
I'm just wondering is there anyway I can get help or put a plan into place for if I ever move out or away. I love them both very dearly but I have been caring for them since the age of 11 and really want to live my own life and move out get a job ect... All the things people my age are doing.
However I always feel so worried about this happening because I don't know what they would do without me and I no it sounds selfish but I don't want to be a carer any more I just want to be a daughter and a sister. Please help
Danielle, that's an unbearable situation, and you should not, indeed, have to bear it. Of course you must have your own life - that's essential. Anything else is unthinkable. I'm sorry to hear your mum hasn't done anything to free you up - but it's all too easy to find the 'easiest person' to look after one, and of course, her other daughter. Sorry if that sounds a bit mean, but even with MS SHE is the adult, not you!

I'm no expert in 'the system' but I know that others here are, and I'm sure they will be here either later tonight or tomorrow to guide you through to getting support for your mum, and your sister, so that you can start your own life, as you urgently need to do.

What are your plans? College, work, travel, moving out with boyfriend - all of the above?

Wishing you a MUCH better life than now - kindest wishes, Jenny
Danielle, of course you must make a life for yourself.
First step should be asking Social Services for a Carers Assessment, AWAY from your home, so you can be frank and honest, and even have a cry without mum or sister knowing. Then you can explain how you feel. Has anyone ever told you that you CANNOT be forced to care?
Then both your sister and mum should have individual Needs Assessments.
My own son has severe learning difficulties. When he was 16 he became a boarder at his school when I had health problems, and he hasn't lived full time at home since. My friends with special needs children were horrified that I had "put M in a home" but 20 years later their adult children are now stuck at home. At the moment the government are tinkering with names of things, residential care is being replaced by "supported living" but whatever they call it, your sister needs full time care away from home. Ideally somewhere close enough that she can still see mum and you regularly. My son comes home alternate weekends, which works well for all of us. Can I ask if the Education Department are talking to you, or to mum, about "transition"?
Does mum have any outside help at all, from Health or Social Services?
Where are you all living at the moment, is it a rented property? It is vital that you find out whether or not you can stay there if mum can no longer live at home.
Has mum signed a Power of Atttorney in your favour?
That's enough questions for now, it's a lot to think about. There can often be a delay between contacting someone and arranging a visit, so make sure you write everything down, who you spoke to, when, where, phone number, what was agreed.
Danielle, hi again! I knew there'd be some good solid practical advice and guidance from members. Hope that all points you in the right direction.

Just to say that I assume your dad is not on the scene? (Or he would have been moving heaven and earth to stop you ending up as a young carer.) Do you have ANY other relatives to turn to at all?

What about a forum for 'Young Carers becoming Adults', as you, sadly, cannot be the only one who lost their childhood because of the shameful shortcomings of our society, that fails to provide the support that parents-with-illnesses obviously need.

What is your mum saying about all this, and what your future should be? I do hope she is 'on-side' and eager for you to finally be free to start your own life.

Wishing you a much better future - you have 'an old head on young shoulders' - all young folk who go through 'life difficulties' are inevitably far more mature than their peers who have 'sailed through' - so you may well find that many of your own age are very 'young' compared to you.

Kindest wishes for a better future for you - Jenny
Hiya I have had a carers assesment and am with carers support. My mum is very controlling over me and hardly allows me to do things I'm at the end of my teather. Feel like I'm going to go crazy! Everyone I go out my mum and other family members make me feel bad. My mum constantly tells me I do nothing and puts me down alot. I am on tablets for depression and anxiety partly because of this. I'm supposed to be going to stay with some friends next weekend which I have told them and ever since then I have had constant greif. I tried to extend the time I was going by one night as it was easier for my friend and they (my mother, auntie and nan) have gone nothing but say how selfish I am. I really can't cope anymore
Danielle, the only folk here who are selfish are your mum and aunt and nan. SHAME ON THEM.

How DARE they treat you like that?

Sorry, Danielle, but I think the time has come for you to leave home, and set off for your own life.

It doesn't matter a damn how much of an invalid your mum is - she can look after herself or go hang, for the way she's treating you!

You are being shamelessly exploited, and your kindness taken advantage of. You owe NOTHING to a mother who treats you like that. She has NO RIGHT to insult you and belittle you, and forbid you to have any 'time off' from the drudgery of looking after her and her other daughter.

She is NOT your responsibility, nor is your sister your responsibility. Leave home. Make a life for yourself.

You deserve to be free of this exploitative set up.

Go to your friends, and tell them you are planning on leaving home, and can they help at all in making plans with you.

When you've left home, Social Services will have to step in and sort out the care situation for your sister, and for your mum. While you go on looking after her, they won't help.

You've done QUITE ENOUGH for your mum, and she does NOT deserve you.

Go - and start your own life!

All the best, Jenny
Hi Danielle, lets be plain here. Your status at home is that of a slave. No right to do anything for yourself. The olds are never going to change, unlikely to say thank you, or show any gratitude? That means that you are the one to do something. You are not a child, but an adult now. Make a plan to "escape" and make a new life. It won't be easy, but it will bw worth it. Sadly, we have one or two carers every year in a similar situation.
Danielle, when you are with your friends, who is going to look after your mum and sister? (How much help does each actually need?)

If, as I suspect, they are going to be looked after by your aunt and your nan, then that is EXACTLY why they are trying to tell you you are 'selfish' for visiting your friends!

And that also tells us exactly why THEY don't want the 'burden' of having to look after their daughter/grand-daughter/sister/niece!

They just want to use YOU as a slave - just like BB says!

You have NO NO NO legal obligation to lift a FINGER for your mum or sister! None whatsoever! Whatever your mum/aunt/nan are telling you, you are ENTIRELY legally free to pack your bags, leave the house and never damn well come back!

You say you love them - well, your sister might love you but your mother doesn't! She just USES you. I know it's a horrible, horrible thing to think of, but if loved you she would be the FIRST to tell you to set out on your own life! At the very least she would be incredibly grateful for what you've done for TEN YEARS! And she wouldn't DREAM of belittling you and complaining!

So for all those reasons I'm afraid the blunt truth is she does NOT love you.

You owe her nothing.

I'm not in the least surprised you are on anti-depressants - you'd probably be screaming your head off right now without them!

You're 21 - you've officially been an adult for three years, since you were eighteen, but let the traditional age of 21 be the year you 'break free'.

Like I say, talk to your friends over the weekend, and see what your options are for making an independent life for yourself. Do you think there's a chance you could stay with them in the first instance, and get a job (ANY job, doesn't matter!)(Even working in a care home if you wanted, since you have so much experience!)(Not permanently, just to get you away from your mum.)

I'm afraid I think you've been 'brainwashed' by your family to make you think you 'should' keep being used as a slave - you will need to free yourself in your head, and see yourself as we see you - a kind, generous person who'se given up their childhood to look after a mother who can't even say thank you to you.....

Go to your GP, tell him/her you'll be leaving home, and saying that he'll have to arrange something else for your sister, and your mum. Tell SS as well if you can.

Remember, NO ONE can 'MAKE' you stay at home and keep being used as an unthanked drudge. (Tell your doctor just how horrible your mum is to you, and that your aunt and nan tell you that you are selfish...)(DEAR GOD I'D LIKE TO TELL THEM A DAMN THING OR TWO!)(I can't believe how horrible they are to you - I just can't believe it!)

Wishing you a MUCH better future!. Kindest regards, Jenny