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Heroes and victims - Carers UK Forum

Heroes and victims

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
Brilliant blog post from carer Mark Neary.
I wonder how many of us are stuck on the triangle?
https://markneary1dotcom1.wordpress.com ... o-no-good/
Yes, I follow Mark's blog and was fascinated to read this one - insightful.
Well it annoyed me beyond words. I hate labels like this, because it demeans the people concerned. What everyone really wants is decent services.
Sorry about that BB.
The drama triangle can be applied to explain behaviour in many situations, not just in those of us fighting for services.
I've encountered it in many a work situation and understanding it helps me. For example when I spot it happening now I can consciously decide to step off it and act more calmly and logically instead.
I try to apply it with my son too who often seems to put himself as victim and me as either aggressor or hero. Now, rather than getting cross and feeling guilty, or stepping in to rescue, I try to reflect back to him that he has the ability and choices not to be the victim and has the ability and choice to solve whatever the problem is himself. Works quite well as in him saying "Theres no milk in the fridge" with all the attitude, intonations and implications it's my job to ensure there is. So I could respond as aggressor ""Well it's not my job, ive got too much else to do" or as rescuer "I'll pop get and get some now " . Instead I recognise the drama triangle, step off it and say " You're right. What are the options to solve the problem? "
After a few times of trying on being the victim, now he says " We're out of milk. I'm just popping to the shop to get some "
Very simple example but it helps Me, and him, I hope.

I think many of us carers feel pushed into the hero or rescuer roles more often than we'd ideally like
Hi Mrs A
I haven't read the thread as BB put me off - I would probably agree with her and having spent 30 years in political offices it would probably wind me up too much .
I think from your brief desciption it has a lot in common with the CB course I trialled for TP carers with Dementia. It focuses on looking at your responses , thinking through the options and selecting a different approach to see if it works out better.
Yesterday I started getting a lecture on communication skills from the helicopter. I would challenge anyone in such circumstances to apply these rules- truly impossible :lol: Say no more ;)
With my hubby, I have to try to be one step ahead. My approach depends on his day. Going along with confabultions, and telling the ' kind lies' to be able to leave comfortably, or for him to feel good. That's for my sake as well. Nothing worse than leaving with him being suspicious. We are both victim's of this blasted dementia! I feel anything but a hero. If I've left him ' comfortable' and provided for, been his spokesperson if needed, then that's my very best. Not enough, I often feel but all I've got. I get it wrong occasionally, but what I do comes from the right place. That applies to lots of us, all in different situation's.Im sure.
Being lectured on communication skills by family would send me over the edge!
Hi Henrietta, even recognising the helicopter as a helicopter is recognising there is a drama triangle in place! Just means their preferred
default position is rescuer or aggressor. You step off it and refuse to play victim.

Pet, no it wouldn't work with dementia suffer as takes ability to recognise the roles which sadly hubby doesn't have any more :(

I'm fairly new to the concept and find it useful, but its not mandatory, just another tool in the box