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Helping My Mum Get around on her own - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Helping My Mum Get around on her own

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of your advice. You've all been so helpful. I think it's best that I talk to my mother about it and ask her what she wants.

Thanks again for all your help and support.

Jon
All the very best with it all. It's so easy for us to go into 'panic mode' and become our parents' 'instant parent' with their best interests at heart which actually may not be the best option for them and for us.

Hope we haven't 'overwhelmed' you!

KR, Jenny
You will have gathered that it's a very emotive subject for some of us. You clearly have serious worries about mum living at home now. If you can clear your thoughts on your worries, writing them down on a piece of paper in priority order (with your wife's input too), then work through them to see how they can be overcome, you can then involve mum and work out what her biggest worries are. Perhaps have another list about advantages and disadvantages of living in either place. Gradually, by working through these points methodically, you will have a very clear view of the current situation.
Jenny has raised the idea of a Granny Annexe. I now sleep in my garage, beautifully converted by my son together with vaulted ceiling, and en suite. It's the nicest bedroom I've ever had, and so cosy thanks to loads of insulation. This was forced on us after a car accident which left me with mobility problems. My son and his partner live upstairs with their baby, we share the lounge and large kitchen. The dining room is now my den/sewing room. I do the cooking, my son looks after my half acre garden and my car. It works well for us. They tend to use the front door and stairs. I always use the back door to go in and out. We can come and go as we please without disturbing the others at all. There is Sky Plus in the lounge and my room, and now we can use Sky on all our tablets and computers, so no one is forced to watch a programme they don't want to. My son and his partner give me a good weekly housekeeping amount, to cover their share of the food, council tax, utilities etc. Maybe you have a garage you could convert, or could add an extension to your home, funded by mum? Alternatively, if you and mum both own your houses, perhaps you could move to a larger house together, with separate sections of the house? Clearly these are long term solutions. Maybe you could sort mum out for the time being in her own house, perhaps paying privately for daily help, whilst you plan a long term solution. Good luck with it all. Feel free to bounce any ideas off us as you go along.
I think it's emotive because some of us have been 'burnt' by our caring situations, in that we made decisions initially that didn't turn out to be the best ones.

I, as I say, reacted in 'panic mode' and went into instant 'oh, oh, oh, I'll drive 400 miles and rescue you!'.....and had MIL to stay for weeks on end (five weeks at a stretch, with only two where she was returned home - much to her increasing reluctance), and the only thing I achieved by all of that was to get her used to the 'wonderful idea' that she could live with me permanently.....with the result that anything other than that (eg, living in the Abbeyfield home she's in now)(to save my sanity) is a dire disappointment. I raised expectations in her that I could not fulfil, but which I didn't realise, at the time, just how 'impossible' it would be to have her with me for that length of time......

I am the prime example of someone who was 'kind to be cruel' if you see what I mean - ie, my kindness (having her to stay for so long) actually turned out to be cruel (as she now is unhappy because she isn't living with me!)

(I did think about Granny Annexes, but even if I could have converted my garage, I became very, very anxious about whether it would turn out to be possible to actually 'not go in' all the time, and end up being 'on call' and feeling guilty if I didn't spend the evenings with her.....the joy, to me, about her being four miles away - not 400! - in a home is that I can relax knowing she is well looked after, and that I simply can 'turn her off' and get on with my own life when she is not spending time with me. I don't think, even with outsid carers coming in to see to her needs, that 'turning her off' would have been possible with her 'next door' in an annexe.)