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Carers UK Forum • Guilt
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Guilt

Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 1:05 am
by Julia_2104
Hi,

In wednesday this coming week dad who is 91 will be going into respite care for 4 nights.

This is the first time.

He doesnt want to go.

We havent had a break since june 2019.

I feel really guilty and worried, not sleeping well.

He has to go as no other family members are willing to care for him.

How can i make sure this goes well?

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 8:28 am
by bowlingbun
DUMP the guilt.
IF you love him enough to care for him for over 52 weeks , then he should thank you by having respite for a short time.
Feel proud for what you have done, and he should feel grateful.
It's only four nights, no big deal.
Expect toddler tantrums, sudden illness just before, but do it anyhow.
Your health, physical and mental, is so important.

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 1:43 pm
by Melly1
Hi Julia,

name all his stuff, remind yourself why you are doing this - because you need a break - because you have been looking after his every need and are worn out - and by taking a break you will be able to carry on caring for him.

My Granny used to stay in care home (a very nice care home) when my Auntie and Uncle went to visit their children and grandchildren - she used to view it as a little holiday for herself.

Melly1

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 5:03 pm
by bowlingbun
Don't let him take in any valuables, watch etc, or any cash. Say you will settle up at the end of his stay. Mum's nursing home did this. Are there any books or magazines he would enjoy, or a daily paper?

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 6:03 pm
by sunnydisposition
Everything you are feeling is quite usual and normal. Think positively you are well deserving of space for you. Think of it this way if you give in to guilt feelings. And the respite doesn't go ahead and you need it again in the future. How much harder it will be.

Stand firm!

https://www.saundershouse.org/article/8 ... spite-care

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 8:18 pm
by Julia_2104
Thank You.

He likes playing games on his laptop so he wants to take that. I guess i will take photos of it. Apparently he has a lockable drawer and they will put things in the safe for him.

Since i havent done this before do i need to worry about his valuables?

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 9:34 pm
by bowlingbun
Sadly, yes. Even in homes where fees are £1,000+ a week!

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 9:57 pm
by sunnydisposition
Julia_2104 wrote:
Sun Jun 27, 2021 8:18 pm
Thank You.

He likes playing games on his laptop so he wants to take that. I guess i will take photos of it. Apparently he has a lockable drawer and they will put things in the safe for him.

Since i havent done this before do i need to worry about his valuables?
Perhaps you could check your house hold contents insurance. Which may cover the cost of the lap top away from home. You could also ask the care home what policies they have for residents valuables.
I would leave anything of sentimental or otherwise unreplaceable and of value at home.

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sat Jul 03, 2021 10:14 am
by Denis_1610
Hello Julia. As Melly suggested, treat this as a little holiday for him. A change of scenery and a chance to meet others. Care homes are not the dreadful places some people imagine them to be. You never know - he may actually like it and want to go again. Let's hope so, anyway.

It is good that his mind is still active, so let him take his laptop, and make sure he has other things to read - books, magazines, newspapers, etc.

Do please keep in touch, and let us know how it went when he returns.

Re: Guilt

Posted: Sat Jul 03, 2021 11:54 am
by Pennie
You say no other family members are willing to look after him - they are the ones who should be feeling guilty, not you!