Getting dad to do his fair share - Am I being unfair?

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
Matt, while it would be fair and reasonable for Dad to do more it is very very unlikely that he ever will, he's very very unlikely to change. It sounds like
He's in total denial about Mums issues. It may be wishful thinking on his part, it might be the start of cognitive deterioration.
Easiest is to start getting them to pay for a cleaner. That will get them used to others coming into the house.
Learn to sweat the big stuff and find ways around the small stuff
It could be a long haul so pace your battles

Kr
MrsA
Matt, do you have Power of Attorney?

I suspect your dad is like many men of his generation. Housework is "women's work".
So it's NOT your job either, on that score!

Employing a cleaner would be a good idea, especially someone who could keep an eye on both of them as well, and perhaps prepare lunch for them, and veg ready for an evening meal, or putting something in a slow cooker?
Good point - if the reason he's doing sod all is because it's 'woman's work' then yes, as you are a bloke too, it's not your job either!

While you do it, nothing will change alas.

Time, alas, for some long term planning. You are a 'sticking plaster' at the moment - not sustainable alas.
Thankyou for all your kind replies!

Regarding my own house, I sold it. The original plan was for me to buy a place down here so I needed to realise the capital. Unfortunately I didn't realise as much as I hoped from the sale as it was in the northeast where prices collapsed after the crash 10 years ago and still haven't recovered! Saying that, I'm not in financial difficulty and could move out at anytime on that regard and if honest have thought about it several times! My parents also are not in difficulty financially but that would mean they/I would have to fund any care.

The reason I'm staying for the moment is simply that mum has asked me to. To leave and therefore dump the stuff I do back on mum would be very unfair - Dad won't change his ways. And it's not just practical things: mum gets very down as she loses her eyesight, hearing and mobility and emotional support isn't Dad's strong suit. Mum appreciates my hugs as much as my cooking and cleaning! And so far they have been reluctant to get any kind of care - we've recently arranged a cleaner for 2 hours a fortnight, but that's it as far as it goes. So for these reasons, I'm not planning on moving out immediately.

But as people have rightly said, I need to face reality. Things will only get worse. And Dad won't change, even if I walked out tomorrow. If I'm honest I didn't "plan" things when moving back, it was just done on instinct - but I'm guessing that's not that unusual! I have no idea what they or I am entitled to to be honest, and need to do some research.

The nearest I have to a "plan" is this: When they need more intensive support that I can't provide, we will get care in, but I would stay to do the practical "house" things and be an emotional support. But it still leaves the "dad" issue, and the best immediate solution would be to get a cleaner in more often who would be happy to clear up after him and maybe a good talking to!

Thanks again.
I agree with the last post. It sounds like (as many issues) things are complex. There are many things to consider especially with the house and the finances.

Your dad will never change, so just set some limits, ignore his requests, or whatever, he won't be happy about it no matter what you do. It could be stubborn-ness, feelings of entitlement, not understanding how bad off your mom is, or the beginnings of dementia, WHATEVER the cause. I think the first step is to get them SOME HELP, even to the smallest degree and start with that. Tackle the problem one step at a time.
When is a paid carer not a paid carer - when she is a "Cleaner"!

Once you have wedged the cleaner door open, just gradually keep increasing the hours slightly, with some excuse or other. Someone to save you doing the kitchen, the bathroom, the laundry, the shopping. Then they will just get used to having her around, and I'm sure that once dad realises that once more he has a "Willing Slave" he will take advantage of her to make fetch etc. just as mum used to be.
Would mum go along with this idea do you think?
Mum would probably enjoy some female company too, as well as a willing slave of her own!
My mum was really against any carers, until I had major surgery. Then she enjoyed hearing about their children, what they were doing at the weekend, etc. etc. At holiday times, the carers would sometimes bring their children to see mum too, which she loved. Many of the carers were well qualified foreigners who needed to improve their English before able to take up their old jobs, and they all loved mum as she would gently correct their English grammar and punctuation. She always helped me with my English and I ended up with top marks in the whole school at GCE!
Just take things very gradually.
Care agencies provide cleaning services and it although you would pay a little more per hour it is easier to extend their duties without anyone protesting as needs arise.

Even if you are only employing cleaners to help at this stage make sure your mum applies for attendance allowance which is not means tested.