Fiance is in a full mental health crisis need new ideas!!!!!

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
David, if you and your fiancé decide to refuse whatever medical intervention the doctors think essential to save your child's life, or to ensure it is born uninjured in body and mind, then yes, you are BOTH 'bad people'.

Why would anyone defend an adult who refuses to save or protect a newly born infant?

However, as is being said to you over and over again, I fully expect that, if that grim decision should be required - eg, a C-section to save the child, that YOU will step up to the plate and face your responsibilities as a FATHER, and insist, for your part, that everything be done that is medically necessary to protect your baby.

Baby comes first. Parents second.

End of.
Of course your fiancée is the centre of attention -everyone from you outwards is bending over backwards to accommodate her needs and wants.

This is not 'getting' at your fiancée -it's the blunt truth of everyone with mental illness. It's an incredibly 'self-centre' state to be in, being mentally ill.

She may not WANT to be the centre of attention, but the point is, she IS the centre of attention.

(And she's certainly making HER wants more important than her child's NEEDS when it comes to the issue of medical intervention. Not the sign of a 'good mother' alas. BUT, I also fully expect her maternal instincts to kick in automatically, and she will be desparate to protect her baby, if it comes to medical intervention in labour being necessary. It cold well be the making of her, and 'grow her up' on the spot - that would be brilliant all round. I do very, very much hope that becoming a mother, accepting her responsibilities for her daughter, will be the turning point for her in her young adult life.)

PS I'm now assuming that your fiancée is a good few years older than you, if she has TWO degrees, and you are only 19 as I think you said you were, unless I'm getting muddled?
This forum has given you nothing but kindness and helpful advice, while YOU David, just throw it back in the kind, caring peoples faces. I'm in need of help myself but I'm willing to take a backburner as your needs are greater.

Either you want help or you don't? But don't be rude to those who try to help you please?
Stephen, don't forget, David is very young - frighteningly so - he's still a teenager! At his age, 19, my son was off at uni having fun!!!! (With nothing scarier to cope with than essay deadlines and paying his bills!).

David's taken on HUGE responsibilities. Even with a healthy partner, becoming a dad at his age would be a huge undertaking - he has no support from his parents (we don't know why, but he says so, and that in itself indicates troubles and problems in his own background which will be challenging for him). But David's partner is clearly someone with immense mental and psychological problems - I'm sort of assuming a history of abuse is in her background, as that may be what is accounting for her 'touch phobia' (and very understandably) - and he's taken on her care just about single-handed apart from the help of her mother (I know they get a lot of professional help, but no other family support it seems).

I take my hat off to him personally - I have my own fairly stringent views, I know, about how much effort his partner should be making, and whether or not it was 'wise' to start a family so young, and in such dire MH conditions - not to mention they have NO earned income at all (another indication it wasn't wise to start a family alas) - and it is ALL falling on young David's shoulders!

(All that said, I remain hopefully that in fact becoming a mother will be the 'turning point' for his partner, and finally allow her to start putting her highly troubled past 'aside', and focus on becoming a 'happy mum' - they clearly are longing for their baby to arrive well ad safely.)

Personally, I think David is currently 'torn' between his caring role to his partner, and his upcoming responsibilities as a parent, and it is the latter that HAS to take priority, as it does with all parents - but that isn't to say that the shift in his focus is going to be easy or comfortable, let alone 'swift'. He's grown used, understandably, to focussing entirely on the needs of his partner, and not those of his daughter, and that will take time - and events - to make the necessary re-adjustment (just as it will for his partner).

I would say the message I, for one, try and convey always is that 'like it or not', babies come with requirements and necessities (of which, yes, an emergency C-section might prove to be one!) that HAVE to over-ride any of the fear and reluctance of either of their parents (however 'understandable' such fear and reluctance may be.....)

So, David is very young, he's coping with a situation not one of us would 'wish' on our own sons, (not just becoming a father, but being a carer for a desperately needy and 'damaged' human being) (however much love she returns him), and I do cut him a LOT of slack - BUT, yes, facing up to this next big, big challenge (parenthood) is what it's going to be all about!

And, of course, becoming parents, for any of us (I was twice his age when I had my child!) is 'stepping into the dark' - ALL 'pre-parents' make plans, make lists, say 'Oh, our baby will do this, won't do that' etc etc....and then, lo and behold, the baby arrives and all those lists and plans just collapse into jelly! It's typical, and well, well known amongst the 'mafia of parenthood' - we smile and nod and say 'yes, definitely have scheduled feeding, sleep training, play Mozart to them, only eat vegan food' (etc etc etc) and then say silently 'Oh, enjoy the purity of it all while you can! You'll be feeding on demand, walking for hours at 4 am, giving them a dummy to keep them quiet and feeding them pizza to keep them happy'...... :)
David - just to say, with all this talk of emergency C-sections etc etc etc, the odds are still WAY in favour of your partner having just the labour she is hoping and planning for - lots and lots and lots of labours DO go according to birth plan, and, like I say, if, in the middle of labour, things take a nose-dive and the obstetrician starts running up red flags, you BOTH will say 'Do whatever it takes to keep our baby safe!'

It's instinct - it kicks in. Don't worry about it until and IF it becomes necessary.

In the meantime, finalise the birthplan, do all the pre-labour that are good for one (I drank raspberry leaf tea to help with contractions -BUT with an abruption pending that might not be wise!) (etc), and get out into the fresh air, deep breathing, etc etc, - you know the drill and so does your partner -

Pre-labour anxiety is perfectly natural (it would be odd if one weren't anxious!), but yes, for your partner it will be exacerbated by all her MH situation. Do accept you CANNOT 'calm her down' and so don't feel bad that you can't!

PS Don't forget to warn her cat that the baby is going to be more important than her/him! She/he won't like it - no cat does - but there you go!!! (Give extra treats instead....:) )
thank you for the support we have seen a specialist consultant on the ward and have signed a medical document to state that a c section will not happen at all and it is a joint decision so that stress is under control. Hopefully we have found a new place to live so it's just the move to do now. My fiance has been coping amazingly, really doing as well as she used to before all the stress with the flat. We have sorted almost everything out now so it should just be down to pregnancy worry which as we keep telling each other is perfectly normal and acceptable. The doctors on the labour ward have been pressuring my fiance to change her mind on medical issues but the specialist is telling them to stop as the decision has been made.
David that sounds better all round. I'm sure that IF (and I do mean IF!) 'push comes to shove' during labour, and you change your mind about the C-section, then of course you will be able to have one, ie to change your mind THEN.

And again IF, if you don't change your mind, then, yes, you and your fiancée are able to cope with all the implications that that might mean, and know that it is your 'rational choice' at this stage, and that is that.

BUT, it's SO unlikely it will come to that, there is really no point worrying about it any further right now.

I'm very glad it sounds like you've found a better place to live - that's brilliant.

Wishing you all the best, Jenny