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Dad getting up several times a night. - Carers UK Forum

Dad getting up several times a night.

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
Hi,
I am hoping to get some advice on how to cope with my elderly father. He is presently in a nursing home and is apparently getting up several times a night to wee. He has a urine bottle to use but I am not sure whether he needs assistance to use this or not. I am worried I will get no sleep when he moves in with me in a few weeks. Also I believe that it is not normal to have to get up so much in the night to wee even when you are elderly and he may need to see a doctor. The home have been very unhelpful and unsympathetic and basically said it's normal and I'll just have to cope. They said I should contact the doctor myself but the doctor will not be able to help. I have no support network. I don't know how I will cope without sleep. For your information I have been on another similar forum in the past and had certain people judging me for even daring to think about my own needs. But if I go crazy myself then I will not be able to help my dad anyway. I hope to get some understanding responses here.
Of course your own needs are equally as important as those of the caree, because if you are ill, you can't care! What was the reason for dad moving into residential care? Why is he moving out? To your home, or his? You CANNOT be forced to care, and if you want his plumbing investigated before he is discharged, then say he can't come home again until this has been done. Most GP practices have access to a Continence Nurse, so the first thing is to contact the surgery and insist that he is seen as you WILL NOT care until this has been done. How old are you and dad?
Thanks for replying. Yes I will check into the continence nurse idea. Thanks for that. My dad will be home in a few weeks. I am presently getting organised to prepare for his return. We can't afford for him to stay in the nursing home any longer but he hates it anyway. He had a bad accident and was seriously injured which is why he ended up there after a stint in hospital. I was just worried I might lose the plot if I don't get any sleep. He is a very challenging person anyway. I really believe that he must have a serious medical issue if he needs to pee as much as all that. I know he is elderly but even so. I would like to see them manage with no sleep. I cared for my mum for several years and that was hell on earth because of her continence issues. My dad is also suffering diarrhoea and they have sent off a sample apparently but not looking forward to going back to dealing with all that. It was just the lack of sympathy that got to me as in tough luck deal with it kind of attitude. It got me down. Thanks again for the advice.
If he was in hospital after an accident, and was transferred to a home, why are you paying? Was a financial assessment done by Social Services? Usually, the first few weeks are subject to a capital disregard. I ask, because I reclaimed £8,000 from my mum's LA which didn't apply the rules properly. Before dad comes home, ask the home to do an NHS Continuing Healthcare checklist assessment, and to contact Social Services for a Needs Assessment for dad and a Carers Assessment for you.
Unfortunately needing to get up in the night to pee is quite normal as we get older - I'm only 70, have no plumbing health issues and I usually need to get up at least twice a night, some nights it's as many as four or five times :blush: :shock: Dad's GP should be able to confirm if his problem could be prostate related with only a simple initial examination and a urine sample would confirm if he has a UTI. The diarrhea is a more serious issue - could just be related to the hot weather or maybe diet related ? Perhaps a commode in Dad's room when he comes home would be helpful ?
For your information I have been on another similar forum in the past and had certain people judging me for even daring to think about my own needs
you will NEVER be judged here, we've all been there, done that and some have more than one t-shirt to prove it ! :shock:
Thanks Suzieq. Yes we do have a commode and I bought dad a urine bottle also. Hopefully things will not be as bad as feared. Thanks for the advice and the non-judgement.
Hi and welcome. I don't know what forum you were previously on, but I'd be curious to know about it! Sounds like exactly the kind of forum no carer need go near with a barge pole!

Just about everyone here has a 'dire story' to tell about how caring 'eats up our lives'. It doesn't matter how much we may love the person (and that isn't always a given - and it certainly isn't a given that the caree/the person receiving all our care loves us for it, or thanks us for it, or sometimes even notices anything we are doing for them!!!) but even if they are loving and appreciative caring for them can still, as I say, eat our lives.......

Why is your father coming out of his care home? Why did he go in in the first place? Was he previously living on his own, or was he already living with you?

Do you want him to come to you? (ie, even if the constant 'get ups' in the night weren't happening)

Would you rather he stayed in the care home?

Please do NOT feel pressured to have him with you - as others are saying, there is NO legal obligation to do so, and if he is 'challenging' as I think you call him, that is even more reason NOT to have him with you! He is unlikely, after all, to get less challenging, is he???!!!! Sadly/grimly, as he ages more, he will inevitably deterioriate further, and his care needs will only go on increasing and increasing.

Why not leave him in the care home? I take it he's self-funding, and therefore has assets, property or savings over £23k, or else the council would be paying for him already.

But how badly do you want (or need?) his money, if the 'price' you are paying to inherit it 'one fine day' (!) is that your life now is going to have to be dedicated to looking after him in your home (and, as I say, those care needs only increasing!).

I'm afraid that him 'not liking the home' is no reason to take him out of it! Not when it's YOU who have to look after him to enable him to not be in the care home!

I know all this sounds very negative, but are you sure that it wouldn't be better all round to leave him in the care home?

It really might be the best solution you know!
Hi Dogfanclub
welcome from another big dog fan with an elderly poorly father who lives with me. Talking from experience several points to think about.
Can you get OT referral from SS or GP and ask if Dad can have a commode next to his bed. This wills ave his wanderings, less risk of falls, less risks of accidents on the way to the bathroom and less disruption for you.
If Dad does come back home with you make sure you ask SS for a full needs assessment for Dad, and a full Carers Assessment for you to assist you with identifying any financial benefits, respite needs, signposting to services, etc that are available to you.
If Dad is old enough have you claimed Attendance Allowance for him which is not means tested?
It will affect your sleep, speaking personally I seldom get more than 3 hours in a row either waking for myself, my dog or my dad. I always sleep with an ear open.
If Dad is under the self funding limit, I would advise getting in The professional carers and stepping back from doing everything for dad whethe rhe likes it or not. Otherwise as Jenny says it is a case of weighing things up and working out your best path.
Does Dad have any other medical issues besides the waterworks?
Thanks to everyone for their advice. I just want to make it clear though that I am not after my dad's money and that is not the reason I am caring for him. I admit I am not looking forward to it because he can be very abusive and difficult but of course I love him because he is my dad. I just want to talk about practical issues of how to cope. I just don't want to end up having a nervous breakdown that is all. Things are not so black and white as some people seem to think. I don't want to answer too many questions about our situation. Needless to say we have all had a very tough few years but I do appreciate the practical advice people have given me.
If you want to talk someone in complete confidence you can contact the Carers UK Adviceline team - they are the experts regarding benefits and caring related matters.
Need expert advice? You can talk to the Carers UK Adviceline five days a week, no matter where you are in the UK or how complex your query is. We do benefits checks and advise on financial and practical matters related to caring.

0808 808 7777
advice@carersuk.org
Open Monday to Friday, 10am to 4pm

The Carers UK Adviceline also includes a listening service, there for you to talk through your caring situation with a trained volunteer who understands what you are going through. Available Mondays and Tuesdays, from 9am to 7pm.