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Fiance is in a full mental health crisis need new ideas!!!!! - Carers UK Forum

Fiance is in a full mental health crisis need new ideas!!!!!

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
HELP PLEASE!! no negative comments. my fiance is in a serious ongoing mental health crisis (has been for a few days)

Basically this is whats happening:
1) shes 31 weeks pregnant, terrified of giving birth (due to being touched/examined by strangers and she is panicking about needles, assisted births etc as she wants NO medical interference. We have a meeting with a mental health midwife this week so will hopefully get some answers.

2) She has been diagnosed with nodular melanoma on her leg that needs removing as soon as our little girl is born, but she is terrified of hospitals. She wont have canulas, or any needles due to her fear and beliefs. She is too horrified by the thoughts of premeds as she has Emetaphobia so anything that might make her feel sick is out of the question. I will need to be by her side 24/7 to get her in hospital and her mum will have to babysit. She cant be on a ward as her fear of strangers would make her breakdown and that will risk her become violent. She is so scared and i cant get her to sleep without so answers and reassurance.

3) we are still without a safe home

4) Her depression is at a really low point due to the stress

5) she is having pains and ached in her back and legs and due to pregnancy complications must have bed rest most days.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!! She has been holding her emotions in and this has just overflowed. She is using her techniques to try and control the breakdown or at least make it bearable but i am really scared for her. She can't eat or sleep due to the worry. can anyone give me an idea??????
Sorry David,
This is out of my experience.
I hope the MH midwife is able to understand, advise and support you both.

Keep calm and strong,


PS S is needle phobic, I insist we use EMLA cream and distraction techniques, when a needle is unavoidable.
You have both made a baby, and need to accept that there will be many new challenges as a result. Please make sure you don't have another pregnancy too quickly.
As I child I was never allowed to say "can't do.." My parents always made me say "I'll try" and that is what you two must learn together. Don't keep refusing, work out ways to overcome the challenges.
It is quite normal to have aches and pains in pregnancy. I'm really concerned that she is having a lot of "bed rest" because the fitter she is before labour, the easier it will be, and the quicker her recovery time. You should both be going for little walks/waddles every day.
I've never met anyone who wasn't afraid of the pain of childbirth, everyone would like a pain free birth without intervention, but in reality, it's VERY unlikely that she will deliver without some form of pain relief.
So you both need to think much more positively, that she may need to have gas and air, or an injection, BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT for the sake of the baby.
Adopt a WE CAN COPE attitude, keep telling her this.
Also have a ONE DAY AT A TIME attitude, I once faced certain death without surgery, so I know how useful the one day at a time strategy can be.
If she needs surgery, then usually they insert the cannula and then administer the medication BUT they can give her a quick whiff of gas anaesthetic so put her out first. They did this for my son with learning difficulties when he had his teeth out. I was there supporting him, it works incredibly quickly, within one or two breaths!! So just make sure the anaesthetist knows.
I was sick after my first operation (everyone hates being sick) so when I told the anaesthetist before my next op, I just had a different "recipe" of treatment, including an injection before I woke up so I wouldn't be sick.
Have you got everything ready for the birth? Bag packed? Baby's bag ready? Pram/crib sorted?
Try to focus on getting these sorted, and how happy you will be when the little one has arrived. Have you chosen names yet? Concentrate on all the positives.
David, an elective Caesarean might solve a lot of the problem - it's only 'one injection' so to speak, and the everything else is done while she's unconscious.

Look, I know you don't want negative replies, and I can see why, but this is the time for your fiancé to discover strengths she probably doesn't think she has - and it is not for HER, or even for YOU (though you well deserve some 'consideration' from her for all you are doing for her) (I discount the 'she loves me' as you love her too, so that is 'equal' already!), but this is for her DAUGHTER.

Like or not, her MH now HAS to take second place to the NEEDS of her daughter. She took the adult responsibility of getting pregnant (even if the pregnancy was not intentional, she's old enough to know that sex can cause pregnancy!), and now she has to 'woman up' to that responsibility. SHE is the adult here, and has to find the strength - yes, with your support - to be a MOTHER.

Being a MOTHER is now her PRIMARY identity, and that, bluntly, is all there is to it.

Remember 'firm love' and if you have to remind her that her primary responsibility is to the wellbeing of her child - and if that means putting up with things she fears, like injections etc, then, well, 'tough'! She is not important right now, nor her feelings or reactions or fears or worries. Everythign she does has to be for her baby. If she can't 'woman up' to that, then she is not fit to have the baby, is she, and the baby will need another ....better....more courageous....mother.

'Courage' is a moral issue, NOT a mental one, and that is why it behoves her now to show it, whatever her mental state.

I wish you both well, as ever, but most of all I wish her the courage to see through what she started - ie, by getting pregnant.

Adulthood is about responsibility. That's it really. (You've shown HUGE responsibility even in taking on your fiancé and her many many mental problems - now it's HER turn to show responsibility for her actions, ie, in being a woman who puts her baby first, and overcomes her own fears to do so. It isn't a question, as BB says, now, of her saying 'I can't!' and panicking, it's a question of her gritting her teeth and making herself endure what she is scared of. Then it will be ALL CREDIT to her.)

Kindest wishes - but remember, 'firm love'....Jenny

PS - I don't think ANY of the above is 'negative' - it's AL positive, as it looks towards HER becoming an adult, a mother, and yes, a wife. It requires courage, that is all. Good luck to her, and to you. Your baby needs you BOTH.
She is against medical interference all together and wanted a home birth. A c-section is completely out of the question unfortunately. She has been planning a hands off birth and i have been reading up on how to best help her. I think that me telling her "you have to do this or that because your a mum now" is totally unfair on her. We have been to the specialists today and she expressed her anxiety and hate towards all medical procedures he was pretty good.
As for the birth i have seen her birth plan now and we went through it together, i think its fair, no needles, no touching without permission etc and we have found all the paperwork we need to show the hospital. hopefully our meeting with the mental health midwife will reassure her that they are not allowed to do anything without her consent. i have given her my word that i won;t let anyone do anything she is uncomfortable with.
im also going to point out that "tough love and firm love and no choice now just do it" answers are actually affecting MY mental health and causing me anxiety and depression. so cheers for that.
What do you expect us to say? "It's OK, the baby is going to wait in the womb until you are ready in 18 months time"?! We don't have any magic wands right now, but we do have experience.
Stop knocking us and start reading carefully and taking on board what we are saying. Most of us are parents ourselves, we know all about pregnancy and childbirth, it's no picnic and like it or not, your wife will be glad of all the pain relief possible
You and your wife are entirely responsible of the current situation. We ARE trying to help you.
In a few weeks (it could be less) ready or not, your baby is going to be born and you will be a father, That is entirely your responsibility.
Stop "flapping", don't panic, take control, make a list, and do what needs to be done. If you take one day at a time, plan what needs doing, and make sure at the end of the day, between you, it is done, you will both gradually build up your confidence..
Ditch all the negativity and start getting ready, and actually enjoying these last days of just being a couple. It's going to be a long, long time when just the two of you can do things. Don't waste them.
I dont expect anyone to have a magic wand but i do expect people to not just assume that things can be done a certain way just because thats how they would do it. I asked for advice, not preachy "i was raised this way" or "well it is this way..." like i tried to explain my fiance doesnt even want a hospital birth but that choice has been taken off of her by the mould in our home. She has every right to say no to ANY medical interference with the birth. But people are already talking about her like her choices for her body are irrelevant.
I have stated my fiances beliefs and feelings on needles, assisted births and all people are doing is telling her she is "wrong"
From what you say it sounds like all the medics involve with her are bending over backwards to accommodate her neuroses.

Now it's up to her to be brave and cope with what she doesn't want to.

She is responsible for being pregnant, now she has to face up to that, whether she likes it or not.

She is NOT the most important person in this situation - the baby is.

Being 'unfair' to your fiancé is preferable to being 'unfair' to her baby, and she has to put herself second, not first. This will be novel for her, I'm sure, but it is what parenthood is about.