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Advice please - Carers UK Forum

Advice please

Share your ideas about the practical side of caring.
Hi there

Is there anything I can do regarding my Mom who is refusing to go in to hospital?

Mom is bedridden for most of the time although when she feels well enough she'll spend a few hours in her electric wheelchair. She has numerous health issues but has been bedridden since she had sepsis/septic shock in December 2015. She spent 3 months in hospital and the first few days were touch and go. She has carers 4 times a day and I live a couple of doors away so am in and out all the time.

She's been really poorly over the weekend (allergic reaction to some antibiotics given to her for a terrible skin infection) and both the out of hours gp (yesterday) and her own gp (today) have advised she needs to be admitted. She has flatly refused :(

Tonight she's showing signs of confusion, not knowing what day or time it is (even when I've just told her), and quite frankly I don't feel equipped to cope. She needs to take medication at specific times and that's not been a problem until now, but with her being so confused I'm scared she'll forget and I can't be there all the time as I work. I'm terrified if she doesn't get the proper treatment she'll get sepsis again, but she is adamant that she will not go into hospital. I've tried talking to her until I'm blue in the face but she won't budge.

To be honest, I'm worn out/exhausted/scared and overwhelmed and being completely selfish about it at least if she was in hospital I could relax a bit...

I know there's probably nothing I can do to force her to go but any suggestions are welcomed.

Thanks for taking the time to read this x
Hi Jackie,

How stressful and worrying.

As your Mum is now confused due to her current health it may be argued her mental capacity is in question. In which case, those supporting her, (her GP, you, other family & health professionals,) may be able to make a "best interest" decision and have her admitted.

Hi Jackie

Just wondering if calling NHS Direct would help at all? May send on-call doc (assuming similar system in 'englandshire' than north of border) who could try to persuade on admission?

Hang in there,
Hi Jackie,
How old is Mum? I'm asking because I had the same attitude from my mum. She had a terrible fear of being in hospital. I think she may have associated it with death. My mum made it very clear, while she was deemed to have capacity, that whatever happened and however ill she was, she did NOT want to go into hospital. This was witnessed by many 'officials' and she had her way and died in the Nursing Home.(Didn't want to be there either!) She might well have survived for a while longer if she had gone into hospital but as she was almost 100 years old and had made her wishes very clear it wasn't even suggested despite the fact that she stopped eating and then stopped drinking (a sure sign of imminent death).
I didn't suggest it either as I was very aware of how desperately she didn't want to go and thought that making her would distress her terribly. At her age it wasn't worth causing her such trauma.
So, what I'm saying to you I that I have experienced the adamant refusal to go to hospital but luckily I didn't have to try to persuade my Mum when she was still young enough to have some expectation of quality years of life ahead of her.
If you think it is essential that Mum goes into hospital because if she doesn't then she will die prematurely and if she does and recovers then she will have years of good living to look forward to, then maybe she will go for YOU on the grounds that she is causing you distress and making you ill by refusing. Her 'maternal instinct' might overcome her fear. None of us like the idea of being in hospital but when it's for a foreseeable time for an op for example, it's something to be endured but not so very frightening as it must be when one is old and thinking that 'perhaps I will die there among strangers and not in my own bed and my own home'.
May I just add to that that 'we' (ie, the younger generation) can have a very different take on hospitalisation than the person who is likely to go into hospital.

Even if there is no coming back out as Nature has taken its course.

For 'us', we may actually feel that we 'prefer' our parents to die in hospital, because our logic can go 'They were ill, and in a dangerous situation. So I wanted them to be in hospital because there everything will be done that can be done, so that if they DO die, then I have the comfort of knowing that even the experts in hospital couldn't save them....'

But for them, they may simply think 'Look, I'm dying anyway, and I want to die at home, even if that means I die a bit sooner than I would if I were in hospital.'

Do I think it's important to try and distinguish between what makes US feel better (eg, them going into hospital!) and what makes THEM feel better (eg, staying well clear of hospital).

It may help us if we think what WE might think about hospitalisation when it comes to 'our turn' to be the older generation.

Sadly, no easy answers.
Thank you all. Happy to report that Mom is now in hospital and hopefully getting the treatment she needs. It took me another 36 hours to persuade her (cajoling/blackmail/I can't cope strategies) but finally she relented. And the strange thing is she's happy to be there now!
Thank you again x
jackie_b wrote:... And the strange thing is she's happy to be there now!
Thank you again x
:roll: :roll: :D :D

Well done, and thanks for letting us know
Try and have some rest now. Pleased to hear your mum was persuaded to go in the end.
Jackie, what a huge relief. Beware the hospital sending her home without going through the proper procedures. In view of her serious health issues, make sure they do an NHS Continuing Healthcare Checklist Assessment, you should be present when they do this. Although it's very much a postcode lottery I'm afraid, it does mean a proper assessment from an OT, physio, etc. and then, and only then, should they decide whether or not she is OK to go back home. If so, then they should decide the level of support she needs AND put it in place, in conjunction with Social Services, before she leaves.