Very Elderly Mother has become impossible deal with

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Aw Fluffy - what a sad state of affairs for you.

I think you are right to limit contact. Her recent accusations really emphasise that you have very little other choice.

I didn't see much of my Dad in the last year of his life. Visits often ended in violence and accusations. I had to really steal myself to go and see him. However I knew he was well looked after and 6 months after his death, whilst i feel it is sad I wasn't able to see him more, i dont regret it as I don't think I would have remained sane myself if I had.

Best wishes to you are these are not easy decisions to take. xxx
Just updating really. All the advice I have been given has helped a lot. Also just knowing that there are other carers out there that have been through the same experience makes is much less isolating. As to my circumstances, and I am posting here so that if anyone who is just starting to realise they are on this road, my response would be to put steps in place as soon as you realise there is a problem, implement them slowly whilst you still have the ability to do so and then put really strict boundaries in place but much more importantly - stick to them.

My mother is still in a rehabilitation unit but will be discharged next week sometime. She flatly refused to go to a nursing home (no surprise) and has insisted on returning home. She can no longer walk, will have to have a care package (a total of 2.5 hours max a day!), will have to stay put from call to call and use a commode. She won't be able to use the bathroom or kitchen because of the access problems in her flat. I have told social services that I take absolutely no responsibility for her at all and if she falls again, which will happen as I can see in her eyes the "I'll practise walking when I get home" then it is down to them - I will confirm this in writing and copy to her GP - but will continue to do third party jobs such as banking, shopping etc. with minimal contact personally.

Me, I am now on tranquillisers prescribed by my doctor so that I can even get through the door of the rehab unit let alone speak to her. It has taken me 7 years to get to this point and my one suggestion would be if and when you begin to feel like I did 3 years ago now, taking into the account the way my mother acts etc., do something about it no matter how bad and guilty you feel. No one who matters will blame you, I would never ever want anyone to feel the way I do now. My wonderful husband and daughter have both suffered - I have put my mother before both of them and they don't deserve it. I've worked out some really strict boundaries for when she returns home and putting them into place will cause me more angst but I am determined to claim back my life and that of my family. My mother's happiness is not my responsibility, she has now chosen what she wants to do for the next part of her life and I have to do the same.
Fluffy
What a very inspiring post!! Well done, stick to your plan, and please enjoy the time now with your husband and daughter. Brave lady.
Dear Fluffy, I have been in a very similar situation to you, I am an only child and my dad died just over five years ago. Since then my currently 96 year mum has been in complete decline. She went from running the house and looking after my dad to sitting in her armchair doing nothing. I took on caring for her for everything but personal care. Almost two years ago I had to get help from professional carers as I couldn’t deal with her incontinence. She has become more and more aggressive towards her carers and some she just threatens and sends away, a few she accepts. She swears and says completely inappropriate things to the carers, asks them about their sex life and there is no holds bared when commenting on their personal appearance. I at the same time was dealing with supporting a alcoholic and drug addicted son and splitting up with my husband. My mum has been diagnosed with Dementia but there is no help there. She has been in and out of hospital over the last few years and every time it’s the same, chat to OT who confirms she is back at her baseline and she is discharged, usually her aggression uncooperative is worse for a week or so after her discharge. I think what I want to say to you is that you are not alone with this situation and how your mum is acting. At the great age of 100 she must have some Dementia. I have walked away and in fact moved far away too as I have to live my life and she is destroying both me and my life. She is in good hands with the carers doing their job. You have to think about yourself and your husband, my mum helped to destroy my marriage. You have gone above and beyond in your dedication to her. The carers will soon be on the phone if there are any real problems with her and at the end of the day she can decide her own fate. I think you have done all you can...should you wish to pm me I am happy to chat to you further. Good luck!
Fluffy,

BEFORE mum is discharged, the occupational therapist should visit mum's home with her, so that she can see mum in her home situation, assess how she would cope, and arrange the appropriate aids and adaptations. Make sure they do this. From what you say, it would count as an UNSAFE DISCHARGE for her to go home.
Let the OT see the place with all the clutter etc.
Mum undoubtedly counts as a "Vulnerable Adult" and it's possible that Social Services should hold a "Best Interests" meeting. If you visit and mum starts being abusive, record her on your phone, so that others can see how she behaves. It's sometimes the easiest way of getting the doctors etc. interested.
From what you say, it would count as an UNSAFE DISCHARGE for her to go home.



Seconded ... link already suppied to the " Bible " on hospital discharges.

Was CHC / NHS Continuing healthcare discussed ... and then rejected ?

If so , by whom ?
Bowling Bun and Chris - thank you. Have done the OT bit at the flat and they have signed off as being a safe environment (with the equipment they are going to provide) even though I have objected in the strongest terms, knowing that the minute that she is there she will try to get up and walk. I have read the discharge bible and CHC is denied on the basis that although she is a very unpleasant person she does not have any on-going health problems - she has full mental capacity and her heart is very strong. Have looked at the Mental Health Act 2015 (she does not fall within the criteria for"decision making") and Care Act 2014 re care to be provided and funding etc. and all are in line with the guidelines set out (my husband is a solicitor). She has also been seen by the Mental Health practitioner for the elderly. Her GP is also on board and, to be fair to them, will always come out to see her within 4/5 hours if I ever have to call At present I don't think there is anything else that can be done except let her go home and insist social services pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong and believe me I will. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with similar situations, you have to have your wits about you and persist, persist, persist! Walking away and detaching myself has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and deep down I don't think I will ever forgive myself but I know that this is the only way and I have to move forward and get on with my life. I don't believe that I will live to her age, but if I do here's to the next 30 ish years - I shall be telling my daughter that she can find me a lovely home where I can wear purple, e at lobster and drink chablis!!!!!
Hi fluffy

I have read your post and can relate to a lot of what you have said. I am going through a similar situation with my father who is 83 and has been diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2013. I am alone and have no real support. I was wondering if you would be interested in having a chat with me and we could share ideas and advice. By the way my name is Karim and i am from London. There is a lot i can share with you about my father and its worse for me because i live with him.
bowlingbun wrote:
Wed Aug 14, 2019 12:30 pm
Fluffy,

BEFORE mum is discharged, the occupational therapist should visit mum's home with her, so that she can see mum in her home situation, assess how she would cope, and arrange the appropriate aids and adaptations. Make sure they do this. From what you say, it would count as an UNSAFE DISCHARGE for her to go home.
Let the OT see the place with all the clutter etc.
Mum undoubtedly counts as a "Vulnerable Adult" and it's possible that Social Services should hold a "Best Interests" meeting. If you visit and mum starts being abusive, record her on your phone, so that others can see how she behaves. It's sometimes the easiest way of getting the doctors etc. interested.