New member, but long time carer, struggling badly....

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211 posts
Have had hospital on twice today. Mother has rejected care home assessment for 24 hour needs - has said she will come home and pay for home care, will discharge herself today, they can'r keep her in. Have been trying to get care package in place but even they think she needs 24 hour care.....

Phoned SS for a carers assessment - couldn't even get to first question, broke down in tears, my head feels like it will burst. Told them the whole story. They are now liasing with hospital SS as they feel this is NOT a safe discharge given my own fragile mental state at present. They are going to get the social worker at hospital to call me back - apparently Mum has NOT had a full assessment as yet...
Oh Diane. I am sending a massive big hug your way. What a total nightmare.

You have done the best thing you could breaking down to social services. Hopefully this will make them understand how mentally fragile you are right now.

Make an emergency appointment with your GP tomorrow too. They sounded that they are on your side and make clear to them that your are on the brink of a breakdown if she comes home. They may be able to intervene, or at least give some advice.

Unsafe discharge is your mantra now. If she is sent home with no care package in place it is unsafe. Because you yourself are far too unwell yourself right now to do ANYTHING for her. So keep asking them if you are not going to do all the care for her is? And if you are so stressed by caring for her that you end up in hospital yourself who is responsible?

I kind of think the fact that she is turning down the discharge and lying about the smoking etc show just how delusional she is and just how much she actually needs 24hour help. Press for a second opinion on her competency.

Sorry for brief response, I'm dashing out. But didn't want to read an run.

Take care my lovely.
Now got three people in hospital trying to persuade my mother not to self discharge tonight, as I am too ill to cope alone and havent been able to get a care package in place today at such such notice.

Have been told in no uncertain terms that as its her house, and she has been told discharge is unsafe, but she has accepted all the risks of me trying to cope alone and ill and they consider she has capacity to understand this so they can't stand in her way, but they will try all they can. Apparently yesterday it was all systems go with the care home assessment but this morning mother turned round and demanded to come out.

Mother has now told the hospital that I have hit her whilst I was caring for her. I don't have a violent bone in my body. Am just in tears, utter defeat.
Diane, doesn't that just say everything about her. BUT you cannot be forced to care for her. Just how much mobility does she have right now. Can she walk to the bathroom, stand to cook in the kitchen etc. etc.?
How is she going to get home? What does she think she is going to eat?
Diane, does your mother have the key to her house in her handbag at hospital? If she doesn't, DO NOT provide it. If she does, please, please do NOT be in the house when she arrives. Go to a café, or a pub, or McDonalds, or the library if it's still open - it really doesn't matter where, but do not be in the house.

That way, if she arrives in an ambulance (how else will they get her home?)(and OBVIOUSLY you do NOT go anywhere near the hospital or have ANYTHIGN to do with her discharge - STAY AWAY), either they won't be able to get her indoors (ie, if she doesn't have a key)(it's NOT your responsibility to provide one, or let her in!), or, if she has a key in her handbag, they will have to get her indoors, settle her, and FIND THE HOUSE DESERTED.

That is SO important. It's SO important that YOU ARE NOT THERE to do a SINGLE THING for her.

If they leave her there, and then you return, DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR HER.

(By the way, remove her cigarettes and matches RIGHT NOW, and lock them in your bedroom or somewhere where she cannot get them)

It's crunch time now, Diane - you've done brilliantly, but now is the important important important bit. It's the bit where you don't just say NO to caring - it's where you DON'T do caring.

Remember always you have NO legal duty of care. NO ONE can force you to - and you are opting out.

If your mother screams at you or for you, it doesn't matter - it truly doesn't. She's a vicious old witch, and why should she win? Why SHOULD she win and make a slave of you AGAIN?

But, Diane, only YOU can save yourself by REFUSING to lift a finger for her. Don't go near her. Ignore her. Don't make her dinner. Don't make her a cup of tea. Act as if SHE IS NOT IN THE HOUSE. Don't even speak to her if you can, unless it's to tell her you've had enough and you are refusing to lift another finger for her, and that she should have stayed in hospital or gone into a home.

Please please please find a strength you need desperately now! We are all backing you, and this is only a temporary 'glitch' to prove to SS that she CANNOT be at home any longer - and if she is, she must do so without you doing a SINGLE thing for her.

Really, really rooting for you - we are all here for you now.

Stay strong. Say no, and do nothing.

Diane. I know you haven't hit your mother. Just to let you know that I truthfully believe that 100& . But are the hospital prepared to send her home to you now she has alleged that. To me she has dug a bigger hole! Safeguarding etc. Please do not be home.
Thinking of you .
Pet - brilliant point!
Do I understand the above right, that YOU were phoning around trying to get a care package in place? You are so thoroughly overstressed at the moment that you forgot to do NOTHING for her, and that should have included not phoning around for a care package. If Mum says she can do it for herself then let her. You tell whoever needs to know that you are doing NOTHING for her, not even phone calls.

Please go and stay somewhere else , even if it's just for a few days. You need the rest and respite, and to give her and the officials time to realise and sort her situation out.

I'll never deny that I've had rows with my mother, and been times when I wished the ground would just swallow her up, but I don't suppose there are many carers or mother/daughter relationships that can't with all honesty say the same...? Despite everything I have and still do love her, its just I know, for the first time in my life, that I am at the end of my mental rope after this virus & mental delirium saga. I have told the hospital that I am not denying her life in her own home...just that I cant do 24/7 care anymore. I'm burnt out and I begged them to tell my mother that I was ill - and hence the accusations flew about me.

Hospital have now denied her capacity (just for tonight it seems) and they are getting the mental health team on board tomorrow (or if not - it will have to be done at home) and also a care package of their own making as I can't get one in place at this short notice.

I did also, once I'd got over the whammy of my mother saying I'd abused her ask why then did she want to come home with no care package and just me to cope? Apparently she then told them she 'knew how to handle me' which probably says it all, but the hurt still remains in my heart. I have explained to the hospital that my mother has had at least twice weekly visits from the district nurses since 2015 which I am so glad happened now - at least they will hopefully vouch for me. She always told everyone how wonderful a carer I was.

Tomorrow is another day - lord knows what it will bring. I guess she will be home & I will be surviving (as best I can) the storm. Bless you all again xxxx
She's not home tonight and tomorrow IS another day.

I agree with Pet, that such accusations work against her rather than on her favour. Horrible and upsetting as it is really try not to focus on this. You know and we all know that it is utter rubbish.

Your heath is a priority and at the VERY least you need a substantial care package in place before she comes out.

Take care and keep us posted when you have a chance. Even if it is just to vent about it all. We all understand here and we have all been involved in make difficult decisions about care for our loved ones.
211 posts