Please help

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi, I really don't know where I should post this. I am posting this anywhere I think someone may be able to help me.

First I will say about my self. I am Ellie, 28 years old, I have sciatica in my hip, climbing stairs is difficult for me and it's painful. I can't get in and out a bath tub. Sometimes I can only walk a very short distance because of the pain in my hip/leg area. I also have times when I get really short of breath. I had a spirmometry test at the doctors and they said my lung capacity was fine. But every now and again I get short of breath and fell like I am not getting enough air. I feel tired all the time. I have been listed as a vulnerable adult in the past. I also self harm and have suicidal thoughts. I have been In a and e a lot and spoke to the crisis team a lot regarding my suicide attempts. I have depression, generalised anxiety disorder, an adjustment disorder and emotionally unstable personality disorder.

I am currently living wiTh my sister, her partner and their 3 kids:

The person that I care for is my husband. My husband is 37. Male to female transgender. Changed name officially to A female name by has not had any physical changes due to health conditions. She has gone out wearing female clothes but has been verbally and physically abused because of it. She has had 5 tia strokes, has perpherial neuropathy, has had seizures in the past, has asthma, has an under active thyroid, has been listed as a vulnerable adult, self harms, has attempted sucide, has depression borderline personality disorder panic attacks acrophobia and ptsd. Has been sexually assaulted on numberous occasions.

I used to live with my husband and I used to care for her full time but it got too much for me with my own health being so bad.

I would have to walk behind her on the stairs and make sure she got up the stairs sometimes I would have to put my hand on her back and take her weight like try to hold her up so she didn't fall down the stairs she is not heavy but like I said my health is bad. We had an ordinary shower and I would have to stand in the bathroom watching her shower to make sure she didn't fall over, I would have to pass the soap, shampoo ect to her as she can't bend down to pick it up, when I would go for a shower she would have to stand in the bathroom because she said she did not feel safe being left on her own.

I would cook dinner and she would sometimes not want to eat and would throw the food across the room I would have to clean that up. I was the only person that cleaned the house. She would throw rubbish on the floor. She would make herself sick on the floor or on the bed. I. Had to wash clothes by hand.

I had to watch all the time that she was not going to hurt herself or take an overdose.

There were several times when we wen out and she tried jumping off a bridge and several times when she just laid down in the middle of the road. There was a time she ran out the front door no shoes or t shirt on just jeans ran out and stood in the middle of the road.

When we went out I never knew what she was goIng to do.

I would cancel my own apppintnents. I never went out with friends. My family stopped speaking to me.

Sometimes she would wake up in a the middle of the night think that I was her ex wife that abused me she would kick me out and she would threaten to call the police.

Sometimes I would go out the house for awhile like to the doctors and I had a key but she would put the catch on and wouldn't be able to get in I would have to sit on the door step waiting sometime for 20 minute sometimes for hours I had no money no where to go

I know it was all because of her mental health but it all got too much for me

We lived in Blackpool

I moved to Boston to be with my sister and I applied for a council house and I have a bidding number

She gave up her flat in Blackpool about two months ago and has been sleeping on the streets in Boston since

She can't go back to Blackpool as she told the landlord she was leaving and cancelled the housing benef claim. She has no local connection anywhere due to moving around so much. She filled in a form for social housing and they said she will be accepted but it will take a long time to get housed. She tried the homeless team but they cant help, she was sexually assaulted in Blackpool and didn't feel safe there. We have tried finding her a room to rent but no one will accept her because she is not working and is on housing benefit

During in her time in Boston she has been physically assaulted twice had her phone and wallet stolen and tried committing suicide

I can't cope, I don't know how to help and my parents are not speaking to me
Hiya Ellie, Welcome here. I'm sorry to hear you have so much to deal with and you're only 28. I hope you don't mind me asking, are you an official carer for your ex-husband? Do you get carers allowance to help care for your ex? I'm just wondering whether there is anyone else who could care for your ex? It seems to me he's controlling you. Were you in a controlling marriage to him before he decided to change sex? I think you need to take care of yourself and leave him to take care of himself and his choices in life. You are so young to be held down like this and you need to move on from your previous marriage. It ended for a reason so don't let it continue to be your future. Be strong and move on and leave him deal with his own problems.
Hello Ellie
My word you have an awful lot on your plate!! I wish I knew how to advice you, but sadly I don't.
I do feel however that you must somehow get your own life into some sort of order. Start by phoning the Samaritans maybe, and asking your GP to refer you to a counsellor.
I'm sorry this isn't much practical advice, but others will be along with other thoughts I'm sure.
In the meantime welcome to the forum.
Welcome to the Forum, Ellie. I hope you can at least get some online support here.

It seems you have two issues here - your own physical and mental health and that of caring for your husband. Of course the two are linked. Sad to say that you cannot be responsible for her health, at the cost of your own. First and foremost, you need to be strong yourself before you can care for someone else. I think your first step should be your GP to ask for support for you. Also, I have no experience of transgender issues which by their very nature are complex. I wonder if the Beaumont Society could advise and offer support?

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/help-and-advice/

One question which I hesitate to ask but will anyway, as I would ask this to anyone on the Forum - do you wish to continue to care for your husband? Does she need more support than you are able to provide, both physically and emotionally? A very big question but an important one.

In the meantime, welcome to the Forum. We try to offer support and also practical advice here, so use it as you wish.

Take care, Anne
Do know what I'd do if I were you...Move away from your ex and start a new life...I'd sign myself up to loads of courses, clubs, and groups and develop a fantastic social life to take my mind off it all...Street dance is good..The world is your oyster young lady...Believe in yourself!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fmI4Aa0gzU
Ellie, this might sound a little callous, but bear with me. I'm afraid I agree with Charm. I think it is time for you to 'cut loose'.

My reasoning is this. As others are pointing out, YOUR health is at stake here, and quite frankly you have quite enough health problems, both physical and mental (more on the mental below), to need a carer yourself!!

I would argue, I'm afraid, that your husband's problems are SO severe as to be 'beyond you' - perhaps beyond anyone except highly specialised transgender psychiatry, for he/she seems to be a desperately 'tormented soul' (perhaps not surprisingly if he is in the 'wrong body').

I know you want to help her - the 'him' you originally married - and I know you have done your very, very best. But, like I say, I think she is now 'beyond you'. I would say, too, that you may very well be slipping into a role that can so, so easily beset those looking after someone with mental illness - that your 'support' has become, in effect 'enablement'. You've put up with the most totally unacceptable behaviour - her 'domestic habits' for starters! - that NO human being should put up with (however mentally ill the person committing such behaviour).

I truly believe that SHE would do better without you, and you too......while you 'reach out' to her in any way, it precludes her getting the help that WOULD be effective in 'moving her on' (whether that is coming to terms with her 'inner gender' - and perhaps assuaging that by making it her more 'outer gender' too - and that will, as I say, need really, really specialist help - which, in this new era of a far greater understanding, support and tolerance for transgender issues, hopefully is more forthcoming than it ever was previously).

What does your sister think? I can't but suppose she is glad you are living away from your ex now, and that this will give you a vital chance to pull your own health together, and sort your own head out.

Now, on the issue of your own mental health concerns, how much, do you think, has been contributed to you having lived with a very 'troubled soul' as your ex surely is? Do you think that away from them, handing them 'over to experts', (or just, in effect' walking away to 'save yourself' as sadly I think you ,must - at the least until YOU have sorted yourself out and are better equipped, perhaps, to look out for them again??? Maybe in years to come????), but do you think that living with your sister, hopefully moving into your own accommodation, slowly and carefully rebuilding your own life, that you can yourself start to heal 'on the inside'?

I do very, very much hope so.

Sometimes in life, sadly, there are relationships that with all the love in the world between the partners, with all the good will and compassion, there can still be a state of what really amounts to 'toxicity' between them - ie, that the two people are just 'no good for each other' and only prevent each other from become 'whole'.

I think the time, now, with your thirties approaching, and your 'first youth' coming to a conclusion, it is time to focus on yourself, and how you want yourself to be, how you want your life and your future to be - and given all that you are dealing with in yourself, I think it is best done 'solo' if you see what I mean, or at least with the help of your sister, and maybe, soon, even your parents???

Wishing you al the very best possible in a very, very difficult situation, kind regards, Jenny
charm_1965 wrote:Hiya Ellie, Welcome here. I'm sorry to hear you have so much to deal with and you're only 28. I hope you don't mind me asking, are you an official carer for your ex-husband? Do you get carers allowance to help care for your ex? I'm just wondering whether there is anyone else who could care for your ex? It seems to me he's controlling you. Were you in a controlling marriage to him before he decided to change sex? I think you need to take care of yourself and leave him to take care of himself and his choices in life. You are so young to be held down like this and you need to move on from your previous marriage. It ended for a reason so don't let it continue to be your future. Be strong and move on and leave him deal with his own problems.
Thank you for your reply. He is my current husband. I had a break from him. We both want to get back together but we both need a lot of support. I don't get paid to care for him. He needs a professional carer. Someone who is trained to deal with his behaviour. I don't know how to help him. There is no one to care or him. My family can't help him. My sister tires to help me and she has 3 kids and is in bad health herself. My dad has dementia. My husband has no family. I feel bad if j don't help.
Pet66 wrote:Hello Ellie
My word you have an awful lot on your plate!! I wish I knew how to advice you, but sadly I don't.
I do feel however that you must somehow get your own life into some sort of order. Start by phoning the Samaritans maybe, and asking your GP to refer you to a counsellor.
I'm sorry this isn't much practical advice, but others will be along with other thoughts I'm sure.
In the meantime welcome to the forum.
Thank you this was good advice I have spoken to my Gp they know about 70 percent of what is going on I have called the crisis team a few times and I have been to a and e because of suicidal thought. I am on medication and I am waiting to see the mental health team twice they cancelled on me
Ellie, forgive me for being a bit 'clumsy' here but you say you'd like to get back together with your husband, who is now female, at least inside their head, and in their appearance (and surgery may follow??). But how would that work? What of your own sexuality I mean? After all, if you married a man, who is now in the process of being a biological woman, how would your own sexuality cope with that?

Sorry if all that does is illustrate my ignorance of transgender intimate and emotional relationships!

I do have to say, though, that warning bells are ringing with me when you say 'I feel bad if I don't help'.

I'm going back to my own post here, which is that, in the end ARE you helping? That's really the main question. The second one (perhaps even more important than the first one) is 'Why should you feel bad?'. That is, not one of us has a 'duty of care' towards another person, and when the 'price' that caring demands from us is SO great (and it's clearly taking a HUGE toll on you, and you are physically and mentally frail already!), I would argue strongly that the time has come when your primary responsibility is to yourself, not another human being.

Love can take us a long way - but it can be insufficient when problems - which afflict both you and your ex very severely - are too great.

Wishing you well all the same, but I do urge immense caution in trying to 'get back' again

(If I were your mum, I'd say 'Don't do it!'.....)
Thank you for your reply. I have spoken to my doctor and They know about 70 percent of what is going on. They have put me on medication. I struggle talking to my Gp. I struggle with all appointments. My sister takes me and speaks on my behalf. I am not comfortable with her knowing everything. My sister is the only person in my family that supports me. My sister recognises when my mood is low. I am waiting to see the mental health team. They cancelled on me twice. My sister has seen me at my worst, she has seen fresh cuts on my arms, I have self harmed since I was 12, she is 3 years younger, she has seen me pull my hair and taken me to and r after over doses, she has watch me hallucinating. And she tells me it will be okay and she helps and my husband is so bad that She says he needs sectioning for life in a padded cell now I know that is not likely to happen but I know I can't care for him, he needs more help and care than I can give him.