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"You'll know when it's time for residential care"...will I?! - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

"You'll know when it's time for residential care"...will I?!

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
You can't go on like that. My mum was very, very frail in her last year. She was in a home down the road from me, literally on the way to Waitrose.
When she was still at home, every time I visited, as I walked in the door, she would reach for a little notebook in the pocket of her recliner, and say "before I forget, can you...." How I hated that book. The stream of jobs was never ending, and I was struggling to cope with everyone's competing needs.
Visiting mum in the home was so different, I still got little jobs to do, but it was lovely knowing that someone else was responsible for mum's care, I could pop in and out whenever I wanted, every day or every other day. We went back to the old mum and daughter relationship.
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:05 pm
You need to look for a care and nursing home, so that wherever mum goes, it will be her last home.

From how you are feeling, utterly exhausted "doing nothing" is not an option.

I remember driving from mum's house to mine one day, when a voice came into my head that said "I just can't do this any more". It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. Mum had been housebound for 30 years, as well as her I had a brain damaged son, I was widowed, and disabled myself. Achingly tired.
Your health has to be top priority. If mum has dementia, by definition she is incapable of making rational decisions.
You have POA for exactly this scenario.

I worked out all mum's income on a weekly basis. Pension plus Attendance Allowance, and in the home she was also entitled to "Funded Nursing Care", that's about £150 a week now, I think.
I took this amount away from the fees every week, and worked out how much mum would have to contribute on a weekly basis.
In her case, she would definitely die before her money ran out.
Your mum is 88, older than mine was, and is clearly getting ill very quickly. If she is already so confused, then you have to decide if her dementia is going to get so bad that she becomes entitled to Continuing Healthcare, before her money runs out. That's assuming that Boris doesn't finally get round to keeping his promise.

Find the home which you like that is affordable, and let mum go there for respite care. You need a break. Then you can assess how it is, and just as important, the home can assess her too.

Had you not bought a house with mum and cared for her, by now she would have been in residential care anyhow, think how many thousands you have saved her.
Once her money goes down to under £8,000 you could investigate if legal aid was available.
Look after yourself, especially when driving.
You really do 'get it'. It makes me feel better that someone else has been through similar feelings. After a particularly gruelling evening last night, I think that voice was trying to make itself heard. You're right - it's not that I don't want to care for Mum, it's just the fact it's taking it's physical and mental toll on me now.
What's "Funded Nursing Care"? It's probably on the link you suggested earlier - I'll have a look. It's so awful that you have to weigh up what's going to happen first - complete incapacitation or death. As we're all living longer, Boris really does need to sort this out for an ever increasing elderly population.
There's a residential home I've passed on the way to my favourite dog walk for about 20 years. I always thought it looked well kept and in a lovely location. I've looked into it and it's no more pricey than other homes in our area and they do offer respite (unlike some).
And on a positive note, I'd never considered the money I've saved her! :D

Thank you so much. x
Six years on from mum's death, and I realise I will never ever get back to how I was before she was ill, further complicated by the fact I was ill and my brother had died of pancreatic cancer the year before, abroad, and I'd been left to sort out the house, complete with 10 years of undone filing, 6 motor bikes in a million bits, and a 50's Chevrolet with no bonnet, steering, or wheels fitted. Fortunately, eldest son is mechanically minded, so he took charge of dealing with that lot, but both things took a huge toll on me.
Try to think about balancing mum's needs with your own.
Become mum's care manager, not hands on provider.
Apparently, the very elderly, classed as over 85's, increasingly become totally self focussed, unable to see what others are doing for them. Certainly the case with our parents.
Funded Nursing Care is a payment usually made direct to the home by the NHS. Google should find more for you, however the NHS is supposed to do a Continuing Healthcare Assessment first, and then award it to those who don't qualify. In my area, they just gave it without the assessment as far as I could tell!
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Aug 03, 2021 3:16 pm
You can't go on like that. My mum was very, very frail in her last year. She was in a home down the road from me, literally on the way to Waitrose.
When she was still at home, every time I visited, as I walked in the door, she would reach for a little notebook in the pocket of her recliner, and say "before I forget, can you...." How I hated that book. The stream of jobs was never ending, and I was struggling to cope with everyone's competing needs.
Visiting mum in the home was so different, I still got little jobs to do, but it was lovely knowing that someone else was responsible for mum's care, I could pop in and out whenever I wanted, every day or every other day. We went back to the old mum and daughter relationship.
That’s what I hate - we’ve lost our relationship. I spend every day trying to learn new tasks in a new (not by choice) job and dreading going home; I spend every evening being told I’m not her daughter, she doesn’t live her and when am I taking her home - helps my anxiety no end. It’s no wonder I’m perpetually exhausted.
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Aug 03, 2021 4:51 pm
Funded Nursing Care is a payment usually made direct to the home by the NHS. Google should find more for you, however the NHS is supposed to do a Continuing Healthcare Assessment first, and then award it to those who don't qualify. In my area, they just gave it without the assessment as far as I could tell!
I have researched the continuing healthcare and I understand if need is obvious during step 1 of the assessment you can skip step 2.
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Aug 03, 2021 4:49 pm
Six years on from mum's death, and I realise I will never ever get back to how I was before she was ill, further complicated by the fact I was ill and my brother had died of pancreatic cancer the year before, abroad, and I'd been left to sort out the house, complete with 10 years of undone filing, 6 motor bikes in a million bits, and a 50's Chevrolet with no bonnet, steering, or wheels fitted. Fortunately, eldest son is mechanically minded, so he took charge of dealing with that lot, but both things took a huge toll on me.
Try to think about balancing mum's needs with your own.
Become mum's care manager, not hands on provider.
Apparently, the very elderly, classed as over 85's, increasingly become totally self focussed, unable to see what others are doing for them. Certainly the case with our parents.
Moving when we did and sorting the power of attorney actually went in my favour as it meant I had to sort all of mum’s paperwork and empty the overflowing cupboards. As I’m sadly single and didn’t have children, I knew I’d never be able to deal with it alone when that fateful day arrives.