Wits end with my mother

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Hi
I’ve found this forum so helpful in feeling not so alone.
My dad died 18 years ago over the years my mum has become more needy full of doom and gloom and makes me feel guilty for trying to lead my own life. I’m 36 married with a son. If I didn’t spend time with her she would get down and make me feel guilty.
Anyway 6 weeks ago she fell and fractured her leg. I was staying with her then once we got her a bed downstairs I then went to visiting 4 times a day as well as working full time and splitting myself between her and my family at home. I only live round the corner. Thing is she could now be doing more for herself but she won’t. She says she’s unsteady but can happily walk round a shop or two before needing a wheelchair if she can do that why can’t she make a cup of tea. I think she is enjoying me running around after her. I go in the morning and while I’m running around making her breakfast and getting myself ready for work she just lays in bed. I fall out with her because I say I’m tired and struggling...her answer is well give up work or it’s not my fault I’m like this. I say try make a cup of tea and her response is I’m not steady on my feet. I know full well she’s up and down stairs while I’m at work as she moves my stuff or turns off the heating I say you’ve been upstairs but she denies it. There is a step in and out the kitchen and know she would struggle holding a cup or her dinner while getting up the step but at least make some effort to make it and I carry it in.
I’m tired frustrated and want my time back instead of go in the morning to make her breakfast going back on my lunch break then after work to then go home have my tea see my husband and son to then go back and make her a drink. Just want to sit on my own settee watch tv and not think god I’ve got to go over again.
I feel selfish but she’s making me so angry not even trying to get better and be independent
I think there maybe a bit of fear of falling again as well as loving me where she wants me mostly the latter
We are at physio tomorrow and have told her I will be telling them that she isn’t able to make a cup of tea or her meals and isn’t independent. She gets a sulk on but sorry this isn’t healthy
I threatened her with carers if she doesn’t get better then she’ll go I’ll try make a sandwich then the next day back to her I can’t do anything self
I don’t know what to do besides getting angry with her all the time
She constantly asks when am I coming and in my head I’m like arrrrggghhhh
She never has a good word to say about me, puts me down never says please or thank you I’ve brought her shopping and never offers to give me the money she is the selfish one
I mean I’m not sure where her recovery should be so maybe I’m being harsh
Sorry for the rant
Hello and welcome back!

Find ways to get away from her. Say “I need to go shopping/meet a friend/to work/socialise now” and put your coat and shoes on to show her you mean it. Can you afford paid for carers or not? All councils are legally required to do a needs assessment with you. Also they should do a financial assessment to determine how you will afford to pay. Telephone your local council tomorrow morning to ask for a social worker.

There are lots of care homes all over Britain, make a list and visit a few local ones to see what happens. Get as much information as possible to help you to choose a good one. Make notes during your visit. Do some research too.
Thing is she don’t need carers she is quite capable of being independent herself or at least a little bit
I’d visit everyday anyway which never was an issue cause we would sit and watch tv with my son just now I’m doing every damn thing when she is now capable of trying to get back to normal
I would ring the council but feel I’d be laughed at cause she’s 6 weeks from fracturing her leg which should be healed by now. I know recovery can take longer but when she bloody walk round home bargains I’m sure she can make herself a cup of tea
Then stop making yourself so available!
Stop visiting every day so she has no option but to do more.
Reduce frequency of visits.

Say “I can only visit once a week” and leave it at that. Refuse to answer your phone if she calls on days other than the designated day. Be honest and polite with her. Use these responses “I have to go shopping” “I am simply unavailable to answer my phone now” and “I am at the library”. Another good one that works is “I am in the gym”. Hope this is useful!

Decline all future calls and let them go to voicemail.
It is NOT neccessry to justify yourself to your mother.
You are an independent adult, not a child asking for "permission"!

This is really the root of the problem, she is ignoring the fact that she has no right whatsoever to CONTROL you any more.
I had counselling to manage my own mum's demands. I just wish I'd learned the tricks 30 years ago, to avoid doing things without ever saying "No".

If she didn't have a daughter, or you were in Australia, or not near enough to visit so regularly, mum would have no option but to
1. Do it herself
2. Get someone else to do it
3. Move into residential care.

Every time you waiver, remember this.
Does she have enough to fill her day, or are you her only regular contact with the outside world?