My father and siblings (and my late grandmother) have been caring for my mum for 25 years. She has multiple sclerosis so to start with it was when she relapsed but it's been progressive MS for at least 10 years and she needs us for absolutely everything. We have carers for some of the time but her needs dictate my life and my fathers life in particular. In the last few years she has regressed mentally to a mental age that we guess is around the same as a toddler in many ways which has really exacerbated the whole situation.
I have been supporting my parents financially, with my time, my physical health, my mental health (which feel irreversibly damanged) and putting my own future on hold for a long time.
I feel my future cannot start until my mum dies and my dad has her on a diet and exercise that might keep her here with a low quality of life for decades to come. This fills me with despair and then guilt.
I always wanted to be a mother and now I can't imagine having another human being for whom I am responsible so I don't even know if I want to have children any more.
I often wish I would die so I don't have to face this indeterminate period of time when my life is hijacked by my mum's illness. I've been to therapy on and off but whenever I have to come and look after her (especially longer than a weekend), it triggers my anxiety, depression and wish to die or for my mum to just pass on.
I have lost my compassion and resent and hate her. I'm not certain exactly how I'll feel when she eventually dies but I suspect relief will be a significant part of it but guilt plays a huge part in my life now. I struggle to find joy much of the time, feel negative and cynical about the future and honestly believe I am likely to kill myself at some point because its too much or that I'll end up with an illness myself that requires someone to help me at some point and decide to kill myself before I become a fraction of the burden she is to anyone else.
I want a partner in life but struggle to date (in all other respects I shouldn't struggle except that my outlook has been so negatively altered because of long term caring and I constantly feel I have to keep giving to my parents). I try to set boundaries but there's always a need and my siblings have 'lives' and families that give them the perfect excuse to do far, far less than me. I genuinely believe I would have found my own life partner by now if my mum was healthy and I really hate her for it.
The only boundary that works is to put continents between me and my family but I am scared about how I will be viewed by my big Indian family (and all the elder care and values that come with it) if I do that and if I can live with the guilt of it. I want to run away 99% of the time. It feels like the only out is if either me or my mum are no longer here
I have been supporting my parents financially, with my time, my physical health, my mental health (which feel irreversibly damanged) and putting my own future on hold for a long time.
I feel my future cannot start until my mum dies and my dad has her on a diet and exercise that might keep her here with a low quality of life for decades to come. This fills me with despair and then guilt.
I always wanted to be a mother and now I can't imagine having another human being for whom I am responsible so I don't even know if I want to have children any more.
I often wish I would die so I don't have to face this indeterminate period of time when my life is hijacked by my mum's illness. I've been to therapy on and off but whenever I have to come and look after her (especially longer than a weekend), it triggers my anxiety, depression and wish to die or for my mum to just pass on.
I have lost my compassion and resent and hate her. I'm not certain exactly how I'll feel when she eventually dies but I suspect relief will be a significant part of it but guilt plays a huge part in my life now. I struggle to find joy much of the time, feel negative and cynical about the future and honestly believe I am likely to kill myself at some point because its too much or that I'll end up with an illness myself that requires someone to help me at some point and decide to kill myself before I become a fraction of the burden she is to anyone else.
I want a partner in life but struggle to date (in all other respects I shouldn't struggle except that my outlook has been so negatively altered because of long term caring and I constantly feel I have to keep giving to my parents). I try to set boundaries but there's always a need and my siblings have 'lives' and families that give them the perfect excuse to do far, far less than me. I genuinely believe I would have found my own life partner by now if my mum was healthy and I really hate her for it.
The only boundary that works is to put continents between me and my family but I am scared about how I will be viewed by my big Indian family (and all the elder care and values that come with it) if I do that and if I can live with the guilt of it. I want to run away 99% of the time. It feels like the only out is if either me or my mum are no longer here