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When the person you are caring for lashes out

Posted: Thu May 24, 2018 11:56 pm
by Teresa_18051
Hi - I'm new to this forum but I am increasingly struggling with my caring role.
I cannot contradict the person I am caring for as they get very angry and tell me that I never support them and that I always have to be right. I only contradict them when I know that what they say is not right - I try and explain in a positive way but the person ends up getting angry and upset. I am also tired of having to have a battle over everything. If I want to change the sheets or do some washing it is always very hard and I am not allowed to do these things without an argument. I do them when they have to be changed and I don't want to be blunt and upset the person. It is really hard.
Any suggestions on how I can get things done without a constant battle and how to explain the reality of a situation without upsetting the person? I am just constantly feeling exhausted. :-(

Re: When the person you are caring for lashes out

Posted: Fri May 25, 2018 12:16 am
by jenny lucas
Yes, highly frustrating! May I ask who it is you care for, as that can affect how they treat you. For example, a parent may assume you are still a 'little girl' and want to boss you around, and not 'take orders' from you! Or be 'corrected'!

Also, if the person is elderly, do they have dementia do you think? It's impossible to 'reason' with someone with dementia - they just can't any longer. So telling them 'the sheets are dirty they need washing' wont' make sense to them.

Finally, people who are ill and dependent on others can get very frustrated at their own helplessness and, grimly, take that out on the very person who is looking after them!

What was this person like before they needed care? Were they cooperative and appreciative, or were they already 'difficult' and 'controlling' etc etc??

Re: When the person you are caring for lashes out

Posted: Fri May 25, 2018 5:22 am
by helena_1512
No advice but I can relate to your post as in a similar situation with my older husband. I cannot seem to do anything right and he has no comprehension on how caring for him for the last 5 years has affected my emotional health. I guess ill people especially those suffering from dementia, are selfish. He even resents my telephone befriender as he says HE is the one who has health problems so why should I have someone helping me!!!!

I do agree with Jenny's comments. What health problems does the person you are caring for suffer from? Is it potentially dementia related? Do you live with them?

I do feel that you have to put your welfare first and could you join a local Carer's organisation? I cannot easily get out but I do have a telephone befriender who phones - she was a carer herself so is well aware what the reality is. Also take any chance to get away from the person you are caring for and leave the house.I know this can be very hard to do but the constant carping and walking on eggshells wears down the strongest person.

Re: When the person you are caring for lashes out

Posted: Fri May 25, 2018 8:40 am
by Ayjay
You can't change who you are, and you can't change the person you're caring for.

We've been married for 47 years now, the first 45 completely free of arguments (yes, really!) but the last two have been awful in that respect. We probably argue about something at least once a day, and I hate it, but I can't not do it. My wife has cognitive issues and memory problems and often comes up with some very strange reasonings. If she is wrong I'm afraid I will not let it pass, I can't, it's not me.

The worst of it is when we argue about the same thing several times cos she's forgotten that I've already proved her wrong the previous day and the day before that etc etc..

I know she's no longer the girl I married, but I also know it's not her, it's the MS. It's just how things are now, for better or worse etc etc.......

Re: When the person you are caring for lashes out

Posted: Fri May 25, 2018 8:56 am
by bowlingbun
Teresa,
Would I be right in thinking you are caring without any help or support for someone who is bedbound? Do you have any life of your own? Time Off? Holidays?
One person can't do this all by herself long term. Has he/she had a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment? Claiming PIP or Attendance Allowance?
It DOESN'T have to be like this, help is available, and we will give you all the support we can to help you change things.