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what can I do for the best in this situation? - Page 5 - Carers UK Forum

what can I do for the best in this situation?

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Hi All, I don't know if it is ok to ressurect a thread or better to start a new one? Anyway, an update such as it is, I can't believe it has been a year since I posted here. Basically we are no further forward, another year has gone past of my partner living in bed, relying on his morphine which GP still merrily doles out. He's had a couple of hospital appointments for scans on his hip requiring an injection of dye, the first one went ok with the injection but the scan didn't come out well enough and he went for another one during which the injection was unbearable and the scan didn't happen, that's it in a whole year. He has another appt next week at a more local hospital so basically starting from scratch on the hip. No treatment on the back, no appointments.
Things between us got worse, him constantly angry everything my fault, a few months ago he assaulted me and was arrested, he moved out (to parents) I had previously been to everyone I could think of for advice and help, CAB, womens resource centre, womens aid, shelter, local authority, and basically just being referred round and round I had come to the conclusion that there is no help. When he left I tried to get help/advice again and went to CAB and the gentleman's first summing up of the situation was 'right so you're going to be homeless'. I can't afford the rent here on my own and upon reassesment of housing benefits after he left the upshot was that my HB went down by almost half and my council tax went up by almost half. I do work but don't earn much and am in the situation where any extra I earn comes off the HB, am sure you know how it works. Well he moved back in after a couple of weeks, during which time he had lost a stone in weight from not lounging in bed all day (not being allowed to by his parents!) and eating more sensible portions at sensible times so really he did benefit in that short time from a change in lifestyle which is very telling. He even said he felt better. He looked better.
So since then things have been better in that he does control his temper somewhat and does not use the vile names to me he did before, while he was away I told him in no uncertain terms that this could not continue. However nothing else has changed, as I knew it wouldn't, he still lives upstairs, cooks late at night, eats in bed, is awake all night frequently, sleeps a large part of the day, the weight is back on and more I would say, I spent the whole of christmas alone downstairs, he doesn't see anything wrong in it and says if he had a job I'd be on my own all day anyway so what's the difference. I'm still so frustrated he won't take any responsibility for his own health, he wants a cure on a plate, he won't read up on anything, he won't listen to anything anyone says (ie me as no medical professional has ever commented on his lifestyle, I mean is that standard?) he refuses do do any exercise, physio is a waste of time, counselling at the pain clinic as offered is a waste of time. So that's him still making his condition worse than it needs to be and storing up problems for the future. As for myself I have really struggled over Christmas with loneliness and isolation, I saw my son a couple of times but that is all. I need a new outlook, something to do, company, I spend so much time alone I am starting to get used to it even though I hate it and starting to find it harder to be around people when I am not on my own. Sorry if I sound really self pitying and as ever I know people have far more to face. It's just the frustration of seeing someone do this to themselves and the isolation I am finding hard, just wanted to talk to someone. Thanks if you got this far Image
Nice to have you posting again, but can`t believe nothing has changed in a year.

I take it your caree wouldn`t return to parents full time then?

You deserve a medal for all you put up with, and most folks would have been hunting for a live in job by now and would have walked away. Good live in care staff are very hard to come by.

Hope some of the others will pop along and catch up later, with better advice.

Just didn`t want you to think you were being ignored.

Take care
Meg
Hi,
Sending you Image
Hello Image I've just read all through your latest posting. I'm new around here so had not heard about your situation before. I'm amazed how you have kept going. Really I am. Its always easy to give advice to others of course. I just wish you could feel more in control of your own life. There is most definately a limit as to what anyone can give of themselves as a Carer. Somehow you have to give yourself back some of the power you have lost. And I'm really sorry to hear how you spent Christmas. You deserve better. And you know it ! Think about what sort of advice would you give to a good friend in the same position as yourself ?

It's easy to say you need a plan. If you listened to your heart, where would it take you ? Would it tell you to grit your teeth and put up with things ?

Nobody can tell you what to do. Its your life. I hope you can find the courage to take back the power you have somehow given away. And align yourself towards a place where you will find the peace and love I think you deserve. I wish you well.

Robert
Thanks so much all, just nice to hear a friendly word! I don't know what the answer is I really don't.
He can't go to his parents they don't want him, he'd have to get a place of his own which would involve borrowing from them, he also knows this would leave me high and dry as regards a roof over my head, he isn't all bad, but he is so frustrating to deal with. He also wants in time to move nearer where his parents live, where it's 'nice and quiet', think coastal retirement town, he's 39! Image I am not keen, even more isolation and as his parents age he won't be able to care for them so that leaves me.
One thing though can anyone tell me whether GP or hospital doctors ever offer lifestyle advice if it is not asked for? Do they just say nothing even when aware of what's going on?
Have you considered the possibility that, although your partner has some physical problems, that the main problem could be psychological, including or even maybe exclusive to addiction to prescription drugs? Reading through your posts, including your description of his reluctance and, on occasions, refusal to engage with services which through diagnosis and treatment could reduce or remove the need for these drugs along with the way he responds to suggestions that his drugs should be reviewed suggests that this may be a major part of the problem.
Parsifal, yes I've thought and thought about it and basically that is the conlusion I have come to and you have summed it up and put it so much more eloquently than I ever could have. He's said some things that have disturbed me tonight (and on other occasions) grudges against neighbours which I won't go into, I think there's a lot of psychological issues going on.
He's said some things that have disturbed me tonight (and on other occasions) grudges against neighbours which I won't go into, I think there's a lot of psychological issues going on.
If anything he's saying gives you reason to think that there is an intention to threaten or harm you, your neighbours ( or even himself ) then contact the police immediately rather than waiting to raise concerns with Drs.

The police will take the matter seriously given his past record and the recent dreadful events in County Durham Image
I agree... although you have a duty of care for him (albeit an unwanted one) you also have the right to be able to do that in a safe environment. If he's causing you alarm as a result of his distressing behavior then you need to get in touch with the police - especially if you think there's any possibility of him carrying out such threats he's making (no matter how slim this possibility may be). Sometimes even the slightest things have to be taken seriously and given the fact that he has previous for this type of behavior it's safe to say that this is one of those times.

It might be a wise idea for you to quit your caring role on safety grounds as well - simply inform social services in writing that you've been caring for (Insert name) for (Insert time) and you no longer feel able to continue your caring role based on his behavior. As a result of this, you'll quit your caring role in one months time from the date of this letter. If they don't acknowledge you or get things in place fast enough, quit as scheduled and then he'll have to make calls to arrange his own care.

That will distance you further from him and hopefully get you further out of harm's way. It'll also give him an idea of what life will be like without you.
also, if he is taken into custody, the police will be able to get a duty Dr. or psychiatrist to assess him and he will hopefully be given the right help and treatment to deal with his drug dependence and other problems.